Separately Together

Chapter Seventeen: First 1/2

Harleys P.O.V

I had messed up.

Bad.

So bad.

I glance to her as she looks out of the window on the car ride home. Her eyes sparkling with something that I kindled when I really shouldn't have. I want to beat my fist on the stirring wheel but then she would know my exact intentions and how much she meant to me.

I needed to play it off, make her think what she felt was all in her head. I hated the way that thought left a bitter taste in my mouth. This wasn't me; I didn't manipulate woman; I didn't confuse them. I'm starting to act increasingly like him, and I hated it to the very core of my existence.

I had all but told her how her body mesmerized me then kissed her, it was a dare, but I should have lied, should have picked one of those nearly bare dancers to kiss but that was the only chance I was going to get to feeling her lips on mine. Any other way I wouldn't have been able to stop myself and while a kiss is one thing sex is another.

I can't let my obsession; addiction get the better of me. She needed me to protect her not to be a snake in her own den. If I took her, there would be no way I could let her go when the time is right. No way I could give her a better life.

"I'm sorry, it was uncalled for." I quickly decide on the best course of action, deception. "I had a little too much whisky. Made me a little bit pushy." I haven't drunk a drop of anything, I hope she couldn't see the lie. She needed to believe this lie for her own sake. I should make her realize that even though it happened, it was under false pretenses.

"It's no big deal, just my first and all." She shrugs her shoulders and doesn't take her eyes away from the window, the gleam still there but I could tell she was doing more to hide it from the outside world now. Good, if she didn't show it then I could convince myself that it wasn't there. I could deceive myself into thinking it wasn't there to begin with.

"Your first?" I swallow a little harder than I normally would trying to force down the damn pleasure it brings me knowing my lips were the only lips hers have ever touched. This should be a warning, too young, innocent, tender, gullible take your pick of all the reasons she could never be mine.

"My first kiss." She gulps this time. "That I count." Her eyes go to a dark place, and I'm reminded the reason behind all of this, the brand, talking to Ben again and for her living with me. It's not so I can take advantage of my addiction, it's so that I can destroy the man that put that frown on her face.

She shakes her head clearing it of the memories I'm sure is what fuels her nightmares and smiles a weak, but goofy smile my way. "My thirteen-year-old subconscious is pleased."

God, Maddie don't do that. Don't make this harder than it already is, hate me. Tell me you never want to see me again.

Tell me you despised it, me, for take your first kiss. I can't tell her this because I know her reply and if I hear those words come out of her mouth, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from doing it over and over again.

"Don't say stuff like that ..." I glance at her smiling face again. "You probably were wanted to save it for your future husband or some shit."

I needed to change the direction of this conversation, but I was seeking validation that I hadn't took something from her, something she was saving for ... someone else. I don't know why the idea of her with a man is repulsive, but I can't hold back the scowl that inhabits my face. Showing my inner thoughts in my outer appearance.

"Yeah, I was holding out for a nonexistent man, Harley." She rolls her eyes and looks back out the window just as we pull into the driveway, Mr. and Mrs. Ivorys house wasn't far from mine.

"There will be ... someone one day." I say it through gritted teeth wishing I could make those thoughts and words vanish from their existence.

"I really doubt it." She whispers, I can hear the doubt in her voice, and this should be a moment when I reassure her that some man would be lucky to have her, but I can't make the words leave my mouth. "Did you really think I was the prettiest girl in the room?" She was still whispering I could tell that she was nervous to ask this question, but she had been puzzling it for far too long.

This is the right setup where I should tell her that it was the alcohol but the vulnerability in her voice won't let me. I couldn't break her confidence like that, I couldn't do it. Maybe that makes me the problem, maybe it makes me the reason this shit just gets harder and harder but so fucking be it.

"By far, sweets." I see the reflection of her eyes in the window, and I see the gleam return and I heave a sigh, there was no winning in a situation like this. I needed to be brave and fix this but not tonight. Tonight, we were just Harley and Maddie. She wasn't Finnic's little sister; she wasn't the target of my enemies, and she wasn't my addiction.

She gets out of the car, and I sit there for a moment trying to put myself back together and get all of my thoughts in my head and off of my face before she read through me like I was one of her romantic books.

Finally, I get out of the car and lock it behind me. The living room is lit up with the TV as a movie plays. It was already like two in the morning it shocks me that she didn't go straight to bed. I walk up beside her and see that she had changed out of that enchanting dress and into a pair of shorts and sleep shirt.

"You sleeping on the couch?" She jumps a little as my voice startles her, she chuckles at herself and nods her head.

"I don't think sleep is coming to me anytime soon." I see the bags under her eyes and realize that this might now be the first night she has skipped sleep. I sit down beside her suddenly worried about this, she needed sleep.

"Why haven't you been sleeping?" I ask trying to keep my voice natural because I know if she heard the tender side of my question, she would accuse me of fusing over her as she says I've been doing all week.

"The nightmares have gotten worse since I saw him." She explains softly almost like she doesn't want to admit this fact to me. I don't know why she wouldn't have told me sooner, I might could have helped, got her some sleeping medication to help her ease off.

"Have you tried meds for it?" I ask and she narrows her eyes at me as she catches on to the 'fussing' in my tone. I sigh heavily. "Answer the question, sweets."

She sighs and stares at the television before she decides to fill me in. "Yes, they don't help."

She shakes out her hair and I find myself mesmerized by the brown locks tangling around her finger as she gets rid of any knots. I contemplate my self-restraint for a long time until I find it strong enough to offer help without acting on my addiction. I reach over to her and pull her into me until her head is laying on my lap. "Harley ..."

I'm sure she was about to stew out a bunch of sentences about how she wasn't my responsibility and how I didn't have to do this for her. I didn't care to hear it because I would do anything for her without a care I the world and its crazy that she hasn't realized that yet. "Shhh."

I bring my hand up to her hair and I let my fingers take over finding the tangles and fixing the strands to line up straight. I feel her shift to get comfortable making me a little less comfortable, but my self-restraint holds strong. We stay like that until I'm sure she's asleep, but I can't make myself move can make myself take my hands off of her.

I halt my finger and try to force myself up but quickly give up when my hands start to miss the silky feeling of her hair between them.

Fuck it.

I stay there playing with her hair until the act pulls me into a deep sleep.

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