Separately Together

Chapter Eighteen: Hormones 1/2

Finnic, Liz, Sara, Asher, Natalie, Harley, and I were sitting around the fire that was burning higher than my head. Finnic and Liz were curled up looking at the sky, Sara and Asher were walking around looking for more wood to throw into the already gigantic fire.

Natalie was sitting on the grass studying her phone closely. Which left me and Harley, ignoring each other but putting up with each other's presence for the sake of our facade with Finnic. This was the first time I had seen him since whatever you would call what happened on the couch the night after the party.

My dreams had got me in trouble, bad trouble that I didn't know if I could get myself out of. It was entirely my fault. I wouldn't be having those kinds of dreams if I would have put my boundaries up and left them alone. If I would have got rid of those thoughts when they first started.

"Harley ..."

"Maddie ..."

We start at the same time, and it causes a smile to form on my lips.

"You first ..." He had beat me to it because I would much rather have his words guide what I was going to reply with but now, I had to take a wild guess. I was going to play it safe. Just take accountability for my actions and maybe it wouldn't be so tense between us after. I would just be embarrassed.

"I'm sorry. I take responsibility for what happened on the couch, and it won't happen again. I don't really know what else to say ... Hormones. I'm going to blame it on hormones." I laugh towards the end because I was taking the effortless way out. I knew what happened wasn't just hormones. Yes, they played a role, but it was the internalized thoughts I've been having in my head about him. The kiss just lit everything on fire and my brain couldn't fight it off once I was asleep.

"It's not just your fault. It takes two ..." He blows out a breath between tense lips. "There's nothing that is going to explain what happened, but I want ... need ... to know that I didn't cause you to get ... to catch feeling."

He glances at me for the first time in a week. Is this why he had been avoiding the house? Because he didn't want to lead me on? I have never felt more guilty in my life. I felt like I pushed him out of his own house.

"No, Harley. It was a feverish dream fueled because I am nineteen years old and I have never had sex, okay ..." I can't look at him any longer I decide to look at the stars instead. I tried to believe the words that I told him that I am simply confused and need of sex but in reality, I don't know if I will ever be able to have sex with anyone after Vickers. The idea of being that intimate with anyone makes me nauseated. "If I've made you uncomfortable in your own house, I can just go stay with Finnic."

It was the last thing I wanted to do; I didn't want them to be involved with my life until it was settled. "No, Maddie. It's not safe and you didn't make me uncomfortable, I just needed some escape to get my head on right."

"I thought you getting that brand was so that they wouldn't mess with us, isn't that why you got it?" I prompt him to explain himself further. I was tired of being in the dark and I wanted to know what, and all was going on behind the scenes. Simply blindly trusting Harley wasn't enough anymore.

I trusted him but I wanted to know the logic behind this. I wanted to know the works behind him taking that brand.

"It's not that simple, sweets." He sighs heavily clearly knowing where I was going with this conversation. He couldn't use the people as an excuse not to talk to me because everyone was doing their own thing a ways away from us.

"Then explain it the best you can, Harley. I'm tired of being in the background. I want to know what's going on when you're not home." He looks at me reading me trying to decide if it was an innovative idea to share this with me.