Shadow Butcher (LokixAvengersxOC)

Trust Issues

TW: Panic Attacks!

With a massive headache, I woke up in my room at the Avengers Tower. The throbbing pain makes me groan before I can sit up. As soon as my gaze locks up with Loki's, my body stiffens. The heart inside my ribcage pounds harder than usual, making it harder for me to breathe. And even if I want to scream, I couldn't. So all I did, was hyperventilate.

"Princess, breathe, please," Loki says softly as his hand travels to meet mine but I slapped it away. His concerned eyes change into hurt.

He opens his mouth but somebody else cut him off. I couldn't hear who the person was or what he said. My ears were ringing, and my sight was blurry as I try to catch my normal breath. Loki slowly stands up and leaves the room. I shut my eyes but stiffen when two hands were placed on my shoulders, shaking me slightly.

I reopen my eyes and see Tony in front of me, mumbling a few words. His narrowed brows rise and he lets go of me. He points his finger onto his chest and with his other hand he points it onto my nose. I narrow my eyes until he mouths the word 'breathe'.

Closely, I watch how his chest rises. While doing so, I take a deep breath and when his chest flattens, I breathe out.

"Good, now again, Reaper," Tony says softly and demonstrates again.

We do that together for a few minutes until I feel my sore muscles relax from all the shaking. Though, my chest still hurts, I feel a lot more calmer and can breathe. Suddenly his cologne can be smelled.

"Do you have panic attacks yourself?", I question as I pick up the skin of my hand, noticing the power dampeners are back and activated. He nods, biting his inner cheek as he watches me doing my habit of pinching the skin. "What's your trigger?"

"Do you know yours?", he asks me back and I look away. "I'm not a fan of Reindeer Games, not after even the slightest of what he had done to you yesterday. But Steve told me he had only done it for you."

I scoff and get up. Feeling dizzy and still weak on my knees, I stumble but luckily Tony steadies me by holding me up, in doing by hooking his arms underneath my armpits. As soon as his hands touch my upper arms, my body tenses up. Tony sees how I struggle to breathe again and backs away. As soon as he took three steps away by giving me enough space, my breathing gets easier.

"How many did I-"

"Stop! Don't. It wasn't you," Tony shushes me. "It was HYDRA." His jaw clenches as he fiddles with the curtain at my window.

I blink the tears away. "But it was still me," I pause and Tony stops playing with the curtains. He says my nickname but I hold my hand up. "I was there when your parents got killed."

His hands drop to the side of his waist and his face is blank. "What?" His stare was cold and his jaw clenched.

A tear rolls down my cheek and I take a shaky breath. "You heard me. And your reaction proves that you're wrong. Even if HYDRA manipulated me, it was still me."

Tony breathes sharply through his teeth and jogs out, slamming the door behind him. Making it clear that he is done with me.

The thud makes me flinch and I start to hyperventilate again. My breaths get shorter as my chest tightens. Cold droplets of sweat form on my forehead. I crouch down from preventing to get unconscious. My shallow breaths hitch when out of nowhere a pair of familiar cold hands, that once I felt safe but not now, pick me up and engulf me into a hug.

"Shh... It's alright, little reaper. I am not going to hurt you," Loki whispers into my ear his hand caressing my head.

As he holds me tight, all I do is try to push him away. As he notices me tremble beneath him, his hand travels behind my shoulder blades and rubs soft circles. But yet, I still don't calm down. He sighs and lets go, looking down ashamed and guilty.

"I-you" I stammer and hold onto my chest to ease the pain. I gasp for air when I try to hold the tears that threaten to spill. Even my eyes start to hurt from all of this.

His hand moves towards me but when he sees me flinch, he stops. Taking in a sharp breath he closes his eyes to calm himself down.
"I am Right here if you need anything. You can talk to me, you can touch me or you can simply punch me. Use me to vent out if needed. I can take all the blame."

I desperately lunge at him, aiming my fist to connect it with his jaw. But instead, I stop myself and break down. My knees buckle and if it weren't for Loki, I would be on my knees. He slung his arms under my armpits and holds me steady. Reluctantly, I wrap my arms around his torso and start to sob.

Loki lets go of me, his hands almost touching my waist as if he's unsure what to do and so was his question. I never heard him so unsure before. This wasn't the Loki I know. This one is kind and caring. Trying to blend in.

"Tell me, how can I make your suffer much more bearable, my goddess?"

I whimper at now knowing what I actually want. So, I hold onto him tighter, all these emotions being overwhelming. My tears stain his silky robe as I sniff his scent. Pine, lavender, and vanilla calm me down a bit but I still can't stop my desperate sobbing.

"Shadow," he sighs. "May I touch you?" I shrug my shoulders as my sobs slowly fade but my eyes still watering. "I do not want to do anything you don't want me to do."

I let out a breathless chuckle as my hands curl into fists behind his back, clutching his robe tightly into my trembling fists. He shifts uncomfortably and lifts my chin with his finger to meet our gazes. His emerald eyes are concerned but soft.

While mine show pure disgust. At him a tiny bit, even at myself but mostly at the one man I once trusted in my past. Johann Schmidt was the one who made me so weak. The one who broke me. And even though I escaped and found a new family and friends. The past still haunts me.

"Men do all the things to bend just a woman. So, I don't care if you hurt me."

Loki's jaw clenches his genuine stare shift to anger for a moment before it gets back to the soft and heartbreaking look. He takes a flat breath. He seems to understand my deep trust issues at the moment.

"Darling," he sighs and cups my cheek hesitantly. I close my eyes and lean into his hand as my lip quivers. "I never had the intention to hurt you."

I scoff, the urge to get away from his touch is back again, yet my heart yields to stay at his soothing Body.

"You think the words I have said the other day were true, is it?" I look away as new tears start to form in my eyes. "It is not, but I believe you cannot trust me only when I say it."

I clench my jaw and push myself away from him. He's right. I can't believe him. Because the things he said in D.C. were also only words but yet I believed him. So why should I believe him now?

"Leave," I growl and point at the door.

Loki hesitates, his brows furrowed but eventually, he shakes his head. "As you wish, princess."

He glances behind his shoulder when he trespasses the threshold and slowly closes the door. Once the door locks, I jump on my bed and cry myself into my longing sleep. Even if the nightmares will haunt me just like before.