my broken smile - Wenclair Fanfiction

Chapter 3: Wednesday's Soliloquy

 (wednesday pov)
I lie awake. It is 23:59. I leave for Enid's the day after tomorrow. What am I doing? I've been thinking about the blue eyed girl for too long. I'm distracted. I've texted her every night to remind her that I am fine before she has the nightmare, even though they've stopped. I'm using emojis, for f#cks sake.

Helping Enid back to our room.

Waking up with her worried about me being in the cold.

Letting her sleep in bed with me. Me.

I wake up first. I'm on my back, with Enid curled up against my chest, breathing softly. I lie there like an idiot for a couple minutes, and then worm my way out, hurrying to the showers to snap myself out of it. Shock. That is all it was. I force myself into a cold shower like I do every morning. It doesn't help me reset as much today. I can still feel... her. That shouldn't be. I put on a simple black shirt and some trousers, and untie my braids. My hair is like a rat's nest. I left the comb in the dorm after helping Enid. Crap. I tie the knots around my wrist and hurry back. Enid is sitting upright when I come back. Her face relaxes slightly when I walk in, and then her eyes go wide with shock. "What?" I ask defensively. She points vaguely. "Your... hair." Oh. I run my hand through it defensively. "I left the brush in here," I say hastily, snatching it up from the nightstand and brushing furiously. Enid giggles at my embarrassment. "It looks good, by the way." My face has the audacity to heat at the comment.

Later, Enid tells me all about why I will love San Francisco. I smile along, unsure if it is a good idea. Then, in the car, I work up the nerve to take her up on it.

What is this? What is happening to me? I stare at the ceiling, as if it has answers. It doesn't. Why would I let myself go this far down the road that leads to heartbreak and other... emotions.

I continue to stare. Enid hasn't texted. I don't know why she was. The nightmares have stopped. Why haven't I stopped texting? Why am I awake, in case my irritating roommate needs to talk? This isn't me. It has to be, who else would it be? But why am I doing this? I probably shouldn't go to Enid's. But I will. There is something so alluring about the girl. That makes me want to see her all the time. I don't understand it. I probably never will. I'm resigned to my fate of whatever this is. I suppose I will one day. Or not. Whatever this is, it makes me uncomfortable and nervous and vulnerable and everything I hate all at once. And I don't want it to stop. Wednesday Addams is evolving, I suppose. There is no answer. I hate things like that. I sigh, and roll over, drifting into an uneasy sleep full of werewolves and pink hair. I never dream. But I do this time.

The next morning I don't want to get up. Thing knocks on my door to tell me breakfast is ready, and then scurries off. I stand up slowly, and trudge to the family table. "Good morning, little spider," My father greets me, passing a plate of scrambled snake eggs. My mother smiles, or tries to smile, from the end of the table. My brother dances around like an imbecile, and I eat as quickly as possible. My mother prattles on to my father about something or other, and I clear my plate and hurry back to my room. "Can I come a day early?" I text Enid. "I can't handle it here."

I set down my phone before she can reply, fearing that I just made a grave mistake. What am I doing? I can't let myself be this way. Enid is clearly invested with Ajax, and nothing I am forcing myself to feel will change that. I curl myself into a ball, and fall onto the side of the bed. A tear traces its way down my marble cheek. How can I let myself be this way? Why am I not in control?

"Of course. Ajax doesn't leave until tomorrow, though."

The text is like a dagger. Of course Ajax is there. Why wouldn't he be? I don't know what I expected. I must still have clouded judgment. Spending the night with Enid shouldn't mean anything. 

"Actually, I don't think I can make it. I'll see you tomorrow."

 I sigh, and throw my phone at the wall. It doesn't break, and falls harmlessly to the floor. I glare at it, and then roll onto my back. I really should be doing something. I can't just sit here all day and be sad. That's what I normally do. No point. What is happening to me? Why have I never liked Ajax?

So many questions and no way to find an answer. I am supposed to be alone, so why am I even going? And why can't I accept the idea of canceling? I will go. And I will get to the bottom of whatever this is. Then maybe it will go away. I hope.

That afternoon, I wander around the estate. I stare at the trees, but don't climb. I watch the water, but don't splash. I used to do those things. Now all I can think of is that goddamn werewolf. It makes me want to scream. The walk does nothing. Here I am again. Tomorrow I will get on a bus, and go to see Enid. And it will almost certainly hurt, but I have no other choice. I won't allow myself not to go.