Double Life (Larcel/Larry) *Trilogy*

Chapter 20

[Warning: There's self harm in this chapter]

*Also I understand if you want to murder me at the end*

"What?" Louis gushed, sitting up straight and staring at me with wide eyes. "From everything that happened yesterday, that's all you remember?"

"Well it seems to be the most important part." I said, moving myself up the bed to rest my back on the headboard.

"I-I didn't mean it." He said, looking away from me.

"Don't lie to me Lou. Why else would you say it, if you didn't mean it?"

"Because you were upset and being stubborn not letting me bring you to bed." He said, narrowing his eyes at me.

"No! I don't believe you! You wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it." My voice rose.

"Well I didn't ok? I don't love you and I never will." He got up and started walking towards the door.

I got up and grabbed his upper arm turning him around to face me.

"Stop lying to me!" I shouted.

"I'm not, I hate you! Who can love a lying drug addict like you!?" He screamed.

I growled as I pushed him on the wall and pulled my fist back. His eyes widened and he started to shake his head, muttering a chain of 'no' under his breath.

"You fucking bastard." I spat as I brought my hand down.

I watched as he cringed but then opened his eyes as he realized he felt no pain. He looked to his right to see I punched the wall next to his head. He let out a shaky breath.

"Let me go!" He whispered but I didn't.

"I'm not a drug addict. I've been clean for months now. Then you come along and ruin it. It's because of YOU that I took drugs yesterday. Because I fucking love you and I couldn't get your fucking hurt face out of my mind. It was stuck there, everything was replaying in my mind. The confused look you first had, then the realization, then the betrayal, the hurt and it was driving me fucking crazy! You are the reason, I even thought about taking drugs. You are the reason, I bought them and the reason I actually forced myself to swallow, a pill. So don't you dare come into my fucking house telling me that I am a drug addict." I let it him go and took a few steps back, my back facing him.

"M-Marcel...I..."

"Go Louis." I sighed.

"Please..just listen..." He pleaded.

"What like you listened to me when I tried to explain myself? Get the fuck out of my house and even better, get out of my life. I don't want to see you or talk to you even again." I didn't sound convincing and as I stood there, tears were threatening to spill.

"Sorry." He whispered and then I heard the door close.

I broke down there and then. Letting the tears run freely down my cheeks and falling on the carpet which covered my bedroom floor. I let out a pained scream as I struggled to breath, choking on the sobs which desperately wanted to leave my body. I stood up and pulled on my hair, screaming at myself over and over again. My sight was blurry from the tears as picked up the lamp from my bed side table and threw it across the room, hearing it shatter on the wall.

It seemed like hours until I finally calmed down. I felt weak, my eyes we sore and my throat hurt. I was now sitting in the corner of my room, with my knees pressed to my chest as I slowly rocked back and forth. I've been like this once before and that's when my parents died and I moved in with my grandparents. I would be locked in my room all day, sitting in the corner just crying my eyes out.

As much as I wanted to move and not let the past repeat itself, I just couldn't find the energy in myself to even crawl away from the corner, so I just stayed, staring at the broken lamp pieces on the floor. I slowly raised my hand in front of my face, and took off the many bracelets. My fingers gently traced the old scars on my wrists and as I stared at the broken glass on the floor from the lamp, I had that same urge to watch the blood drip from an open wound and stain the carpet beneath me.

I picked up a piece of broken glass and ran my finger over the sharp edge. I brought it down to my wrist , gently pressing it in my skin. I couldn't do it. I was about to drop the shard of glass, when my phone rang and startled me, resulting in me actually cutting my wrist as I jumped. It was a much bigger cut than I first intended but the minute I saw the first drops of blood I felt like all my problems disappeared.

I watched the dark, red blood slowly drip from my wrist on to the carpet. A weird feeling formed at the pit of my stomach as realization hit me and I quickly got up and walked to my bathroom. I washed the cut, hissing at the stinging pain the water caused and then put a bandage over it.

I walked back into my room and picked up my bracelets putting them back on. They just about covered the bandage and I sighed as I walked over to my phone, picking it up and unlocking it. I had three miss calls from Richard. I frowned as I read his name wanting it so badly to be Louis name but it wasn't.

 I text Richard telling him, I wasn't coming to training because I didn't feel well and then turned my phone off because I knew he would call over and over again. I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, as my conversation with Louis kept repeating itself in my mind. I don't know why, he acted like that. What's so bad about me actually being in love with him that would make him say something like that?

I love him but I don't even know, anymore, if he loves me back.