i'm a cheerleader.

seven

-Rebecca's p.o.v.-
As CJ left me alone, I took the time to text Brandon.

To Brandon: hey! Just wanted to make sure we are still on to meet up and catch a movie! I'll only bee in town a bit longer. Ttyl. Love you

I sent it and put my phone away as CJ came back into the room. My heart jumped as she looked at me. Without saying a word she turned the tv back on for me and let me watch tv as she walked out of the room and downstairs. I heard her talking to someone but didn't listen to the conversation or pay enough attention to even make anything out. CJ soon came back and sat down on a beanbag in the corner of the room and began to write something down. I just kept watching tv. Soon her mother called us down to eat dinner. We all ate with the occasional small talk from CJ's mum, but not a whole lot from CJ and myself. After dinner I decided to go home. I sat in my car for a moment before driving off and quickly breaking down in tears. I stopped on the side of the road and cried. My mum called me in the middle of this episode and I didn't answer. I sent her a text saying I was in the middle of Starbucks and it was quiet and didn't wanna be awkward and I'd call her soon. It was a b.s. excuse but it was all I could think of to say without sounding like I was doing something wrong. I dried my tears and received a text from Brandon.

To Rebecca: of course :) can't wait to see you ! Love you

I smiled and put my phone down and got back on the road. I went to the park and walked for a bit. I walked to the back of the property to the lake and sat down. I watched the lake and soon it was pitch black outside. I sent a text to my mum saying I'd be back late and after that I took my shoes off and stepped into the lake. It was freezing cold. The second the water touched my skin I felt frozen. But I kept walking into the water. I slipped my pants and shirt off putting them on the dock and walked until the water was up to my neck. I breathed slowly and suddenly stuck my head under the water. I felt the water surround my ears and eyes. I walked deeper into the water and soon all of me was underwater. All I could feel or think was water. Silence. I opened my eyes and all I could see was black. It was comforting in a way. It felt as if I was the only one alive. The excitement of it all made me forget for a moment I couldn't breathe. I popped my head above the water and gasped for air. After breathing for a moment I looked around and saw no one. Not a single living being. Just me. Alone. In the middle of nothingness. For a moment I closed my eyes and then slowly submerged myself fully in water again. The feeling of saying underwater was so tempting. The curiosity overcame me. I stayed as long as I could and as I felt my feet and fingertips go numb I popped my head above water again. This time I pushed the hair out of my face and swam back to shore. I sat on the grass alone for a moment and then got up and grabbed my clothes putting them back on without thinking. They were quickly soaked with water but I didn't care. I got in my car and drove home. When I pulled into my driveway I got out of the car and walked to my door. I walked into the house without saying a word. I walked past my mother and when she asked why I was soaking wet, I just kept walking. I walked up to my bedroom and closed my door. I took my clothes off and showered. After cleaning up and getting dressed I sat in my bed and as I closed my eyes for a moment all I could see was the pitch black of the water. The feeling of my lungs running out of air. The feeling of my fingertips going numb. It was something I never wanted to go through again but at the same time yearned to experience just one more time.

---

The weekend flew by. Most of it was spent sleeping, but it felt like it went by in the blink of an eye and I was back at school in no time. The school day felt like a blur. I didn't pay attention to almost anything that was going on, but the second I saw CJ it felt as if my mind was put into hyperdrive. She sat down in her seat and greeted me with a weak smile. I smiled and asked how her weekend went. She didn't answer. As the class began, CJ doodled and took some simple notes as she always did. But today, her doodles were sad. Dark. No colour. I didn't understand but at the same time I could feel her pain  in my chest. My heart was heavy as if her pain was mine and I didn't even know what her pain was. I poked her arm and told her I needed to talk to her after class. She nodded and without saying a word went back to her notes.

---

After class we spoke outside the classroom. CJ approached me and leaned against a wall.

"Yeah?" She asked. "What's up." She said and I let out a sigh and looked at her. Her eyes were not sad or mad. They looked like a mix of that. Disappointment maybe. A million things raced through my mind of what I wanted to say. An apology. A question. A comment about her outfit. Everything I'd say to my other friends if we were going through something. But then it came to me, she wasn't just another one of my friends. She was different. Her friendship to me was more meaningful. I couldn't treat her as one of my other friends because she wasn't like them at all. She took things more personally. She analyses things, too much at times, very much. A simple hi can have a million meanings to her. She was special. I had to say something I knew would mean something to her not just an empty apology or explanation for whatever I did.

"I wanted to tell you I did want to go to that ball game with you after all."