i'm a cheerleader.

thirty seven

-CJ's p.o.v.-

"Hello? Where are you, ma'am?" She asked me.

"Rooker Park." I mumbled out.

"Are you hurt?" She asked me.

"No. My finance just commit suicide." I muttered and the second those words left my mouth I felt as if my world had crumbled down around me.

"Okay, ma'am, please repeat your location so we can send someone down there." She said.

"I am at Rooker Park on 16th avenue." I said. "Please come quick." I said and she thanked me for my cooperation.

"Okay, ma'am please stay on the line until we can get someone to go out to your location." She said and I agreed. She asked me some simple questions like my name, age, and Rebecca's basic info. A few cops arrived shortly after and after the dispatcher got all the info she needed she hung up so I could tell all the same information to the cops. They asked me most of the same questions as the dispatcher but they went a bit more in depth about causes for doing it, recent events and the last time I saw her and how she was. They got some information together and got a large group of people to go and try to find her body in the lake. They tried for about an hour and found nothing, so they decided to try again in the morning. I decided not to tell them about the suicide note she left me yet since I wanted to read through the whole thing. Same with her journal. The cops offered to escort me home but I declined. I decided to take Rebecca's car. I knew how to drive and had a licence but I didn't like driving all that much. But tonight I really didn't want to walk home or raise suspicion from my parents by having a cop car drop me off at home. I left while the cops were still there and once I was inside Rebecca's car, I got a cold chill. I let out a sigh and started the car and left the park. I drove home and once I got to my house I turned off the car and looked at the notebook on the passenger seat. I slid the notebook and stray papers inside my coat and got out of the car and ran to the front door. I unlocked the door and walked inside to see my parents in the lounge area waiting for me. I closed the door quietly behind me.

"Where were you?" My mother asked me.

"I went out to get some air." I said as I clenched up my coat.

"Did you go see Rebecca?" She asked me.

"No. I won't be seeing her anymore." I said flatly.

"Oh that's good. Finally came to your senses. That girl kept too many secrets from you, that doesn't make for a good relationship." She said and I felt my heart sink. I wouldn't tell her. She would ask too many questions. I decided to keep my mouth shut.

"Mhm. Well, I am going to bed, goodnight." I said as I walked toward the stairs. They didn't say another word, they just let me go. I walked up the stairs and a few tears escaped my eyes. Once I got to my room I closed and locked the door and walked to my bed. I took the notebook and papers and slid them under my mattress, then collapsed on my bed. It felt like all the air in my body had been taken out of me. I felt exhausted but at the same time was panicking. All I could think about the last words Rebecca was ever going to say to me. 'goodbye'. And the last words I ever told her. 'i love you'. And as if it wasn't already broken into a million pieces, my heart broke one more time. But this time it was a mixture of heartbreak and regret. The worst feeling I had ever felt.

---

I fell asleep after crying for a few more hours, it seemed like our whole relationship was on replay in my head and it wouldn't stop. It made me sad that I was never going to hear her voice. Never going to hear her say she loved me again. Never going to hear her laugh again. Never again was I going to receive a late night text from her. Never going hold her or cuddle her. Never going to run my fingers through her hair. Never going to be able to tell her I loved her. Ever again. She was gone, and I was never going to get her back. I was never going to marry her. We were never going to do all the things we talked about. Ever. These facts haunted my dreams and made them nightmares. For an entire month after Rebecca's death I was unable to sleep more than 3 hours a night. Everything seemed to flash before my eyes. The day after I called the police about her body, they went to the park and closed it down to look for her body. They found it of course, and after they did they called me down to identify her body. It took everything I had to not stay home and cry my eyes out, and I went down and identified the body. My parents found out pretty quickly what had happened and were really touchy about what they said and how they spoke to me. So was everyone else. It was all over the news. They showed a photo I had taken of her along with some school photos. It was hard seeing the love of my life on the news and knowing she was gone, but it was harder that they completely cut me out of her life. They didn't mention that she was engaged and that it was her fiance that called in. They said they got an anonymous tip from a park-goer. It broke my heart that they ignored the fact that I was a part of her life, not because I wanted pity. But whenever someone was on the news after committing they spoke to their family about how they felt. They never asked me once. They asked her family and they took every chance they could to get any attention out of it which made me mad. They put her out and were part of the reason she was gone, but the second they can get media attention Rebecca was their pride and joy. They never brought up how they put her out. I wished they had, I wanted to see how they would respond to someone asking them how they put their 'pride and joy' out on the streets and how they would 'justify' something like that. But alas, no one ever did ask. Rebecca's family got the attention they wanted and everything. They even got people to help put in on her funeral. My family offered to help, but Rebecca's parents ignored every attempt my parents made to reach out and lend a hand. In the end, me and my parents were told to stay away from the funeral. I was heartbroken when I found out. I ended up going anyway but got kicked out when they realised who I was. I got to see Rebecca's body before they kicked me out though. I had a minute with her. I leaned over the casket to get a closer look at her. She looked so peaceful. Her skin looked pale and lifeless, but I don't know what I expected. She was dead. I whispered something to her before I moved on to let the next person see her. I leaned closer to her and whispered 'Que les anges veillent sur votre cœur et votre âme en repos, mon amour' It was the last time I could say it to her, and hopefully it would keep her as safe as she kept me.