i'm a cheerleader.

thirty five

(Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts/ actions in this chapter)

-Rebecca's p.o.v.-

I cried more than I ever had before. My vision was blurry but I knew exactly where I was going. I sped down the roads as I wiped my tear stained cheeks. The street signs and lights seemed like only blurs, nothing seemed catch my attention, nothing seemed clear. I heard my phone ding time after time but even give it a glance. I knew it was CJ and I didn't have the heart to respond to her right now. I arrived at the park quickly and parked. I turned on a light as I searched for my notebook. I ran to the trunk and grabbed my backpack as I rummaged through it looking for sticky notes and pens. After finding them I rushed back to the front seat and stuck a sticky note on the front of my journal. I scribbled a quick message on it and looked at it before opening up the notebook. I let out a sigh and opened up to the next blank page. I grabbed a pen and wrote two small words on the top, 'for CJ'.

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I wrote CJ my last note. In the end it was 13 pages long. After I finished I grabbed my phone and saw I had 13 missed calls, 7 texts, and 3 voice mails from CJ. I sighed and listened to all the messages, then looked at her texts.

To Rebecca: please respond

To Rebecca: I am sorry for what i did i know it was too soon

To Rebecca: please

To Rebecca: i love you

To Rebecca: let me see you

To Rebecca: Just tell me where you are

To Rebecca: We need to talk about this.

I put my phone down and ripped out the pages from my notebook that I had just finished writing on and folded them. I put another sticky note on them that read 'for cj.' I got out of my car leaving the keys on the outside of the door handle and sent her a text.

To CJ: I'm at the park. I'm parked by the playground. I left something in my car for you. I love you.

I sent the text and left my phone in the car and closed the door. I walked into the park and walked past the sand and playground straight to the pond. I stood in the wet grass looking at the pond under the dim lights. A few tears escaped my eyes and I walked into the water fully clothed. I walked slowly and as I went deeper the water seemed to get colder and colder. I walked until the water was at my chest. I took a deep breath and pushed off on the ground forcing myself into the deeper water ahead. It covered my neck, lips, eyes, forehead and whole head in what felt like a fraction of a second. I felt the cold water hit my face and I swam deeper and deeper into the water until the dim lights were no longer visible. All I could see was black for what seemed like forever. The longer I was down there the more my lungs felt like they were on fire. My finger tips began to tingle and in a matter of minutes my whole body was numb. I had to keep pushing myself deeper and deeper into the water to avoid popping back up. I didn't want to see the lights, I didn't want to feel the air on my skin. In a matter of seconds my thoughts became disconnected and came and left my mind before I could acknowledge them. I felt like I couldn't even open my eyes. I felt like I was no longer in my own body. Images flashed quickly before my eyes. CJ. My parents. Myself as a child. I let go of the air that was in my chest, small air bubbles flying above my head and away from me. And with that, I finally gave up. The last thing I thought about was CJ before everything went black and I was no longer able to think. Just, blackness.

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