Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter three

"You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found."

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•Rae•

"How was it?"

I roll to my side to face Jill. "Huh?"

"The group therapy," she clarifies.

"Oh." I try to smile. "It was... nice."

Jill snorts at my answer. "Oh please, cut the crap. I know you despised it as much as I did."

She's right. And I'm sure I wasn't the only one who wanted to disappear. The only ones who seemed excited to be there were the green-eyed boy and the short-haired girl. But the rest of them, I could see it in their faces that going through group therapy was the last thing they wanted.

"The strange thing is, " Jill mumbles, "I haven't figured out how they sorted us into groups. I don't know what I have in common with any of them."

"Me neither, " I tell her. "What's your group like?"

"They're all... lame," she says with a chuckle.

"I guess we know now why you're in the group." I freeze immediately after I make the joke, thinking that she would take it seriously.

Jill bursts out laughing, making me breathe out in relief. "Your group must be bullies then." She smirks, sitting up on her bed to tie her long brown hair into a ponytail.

I surprise myself and her by laughing. This is the first time we've had a friendly conversation, and it feels unreal.

The last time I truly smiled like this was three months ago when I was staying with my neighbors. Their six-year-old son was so adorable that I couldn't keep a straight face in his presence. Spending time with him was the only thing keeping me sane after my parent's death, but Mr. and Mrs. Brown believed that I needed to get professional help. Being in a psychiatric ward was the last thing I wanted, but I couldn't object since I had nowhere else to go.

I'll become a legal adult in a few months, and I don't have any idea what my life would look like after I get released. I feel like I'm going through a never-ending tunnel and I can't see any light ahead of me.

*  *  *

I wake up with a gasp, my heart drumming inside my chest and my body covered in cold sweat.

Red. It's all I can see even when I close my eyes. How can you escape from your own mind? The memory of the day that I lost my parents not only repeats itself in my mind while I'm awake but also tortures me in my sleep. The events of that day, the fire engulfing my home from all sides, Mr. Brown holding me back from running towards it, it's still fresh in my mind.

I slowly crawl out of bed and sit on the floor, careful not to disturb Jill. The cold tiles do a much better job than the bed in cooling my burning body.

I pull my knees to my chest and stare into the darkness. I'll have to wait for hours before the nurse would knock on the door.

Not even a minute passes before my tears start flowing down my cheeks. I bite my lips to control my sobs. Stop it, Rae. Be strong, be strong, be strong... I keep repeating in my head.

If only it was that easy to bring my misery to a halt. 

*   *   *

"Our goal for today is to get to know each other. You can tell the group about your hobbies, pet peeves, anything," Shelley tells us.

I'm already dreading this.