Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter thirteen

"The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow."

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•Rae•

As Star, May and I watch Oliver and Megan play basketball-- for opposite teams, as usual-- he glances at us, and what he does next is surprising. He pauses for a moment and waves at us.

"What was that?" Star turns to us as he continues playing without waiting for our response.

"Well... he sort of apologized to you yesterday, so... I guess he's friends with us now," May mumbles.

I keep glancing at the door, eagerly waiting for Kyle. Why am I restless just because he's two minutes late? I frown at the thought. I need to stop overthinking everything. This is how it always starts.

I have never been one to give my heart away easily, but I know what it's like to develop feelings for someone. And I know this is how it always starts. You get used to spending time with that person, and you miss them when they're not there, you'd do anything to make them happy, you wouldn't mind sacrificing your time and energy for their benefit, and their thoughts and opinions mean a lot to you. That's when you'll start to realize that you have feelings for that person.

Is that it? Do I... like Kyle?

I've been so immersed in my inner dilemma that I hadn't noticed Kyle walking toward us. I look up in surprise as he sits next to me.

"Hey, " he greets me with a concerned look. "You okay?"

"Yeah, of course," I quickly reply.

"Why are you frowning then?" he asks, his eyes filled with curiosity.

"Oh, I didn't notice." I chuckle nervously. Pull yourself together, Rae. Don't make it obvious that you were thinking about him.

"You should've seen the look on your face." He grins at me.

For some reason, seeing him in a good mood brightens up mine.

Even though we start watching the basketball game, I can't help but glance at him a few minutes later. Feeling my gaze on him, he catches me staring.

"You need a haircut," I blurt out.

Nice save.

Now that I think about it, he does need a haircut. His blond hair is a few inches away from covering his eyes. 

"Really?" He starts touching his hair, looking up as if he can see what it looks like on him.

He's so adorable sometimes.

I look away and a girl cradling a little doll in her arms catches my attention. She's holding onto it gently, almost as if it was a real baby.

My mind has already started coming up with theories. Maybe it's a gift from her parents and they're not here for her anymore just like mine, so she cherishes the doll since it's the only reminder she has of them. Or... maybe she became a mom at a young age and lost her child, causing her to end up here. Either way, I start imagining her going back home and reuniting with her loved ones. The thought makes me feel a bit better. And I can't help but wish I could imagine the same happy ending for myself too.

If only I had someone out there waiting for me, someone who would make me look forward to the day I'd finally get released.

I feel Kyle's eyes on me and I glance at him. He nods his head towards the girl and I realize he's been looking at her too. "She reminds me of my sister," he says quietly.

"You... have a sister?" I look back at him in surprise. He doesn't talk about his family at all, and I never pushed him to.

He nods, and I stay quiet trying to choose my next words carefully.

"She was only a year younger than me, " he tells me.

My heart sinks as I notice that he's talking about her in the past tense, and I'm dreading to hear his answer to my next question.

"Where is she now?"

"She ran away from home two years ago. She was only fifteen," he states blankly.

I feel slightly relieved since I was assuming the worst.

"You've never seen her since?" I ask hesitantly.

"I ran into her once, but she was acting like we were strangers." Kyle shrugs but quickly looks away attempting to hide the pain and sadness in his eyes.

I don't ask him any more questions, assuming that he doesn't want to talk about it.

But he surprises me by explaining what happened to her. "She was miserable, that's why she left. She wasn't happy, and none of us were but, she had it bad. She was just starting high school and our father was getting drunk a lot. On top of that, our mother was working day and night. And whenever our parents were in the same room, they would always start a fight. He was physically and emotionally abusive, especially when he got drunk-- which was almost every single day. My sister couldn't handle that life anymore... so she ran away one night. She left a note saying she'll be staying with her boyfriend and that we shouldn't look for her, and I don't blame her. She didn't deserve that kind of life. She didn't deserve to put up with all of the shit they put her through."

You didn't deserve it either, Kyle.

"They didn't try to find her?" I ask him.

"My mother wanted to, but he was furious at my sister for even having a boyfriend, let alone run away with him. So he insisted that we let her live the way she chooses, and eventually my mother agreed."

I never had siblings, but I know what it's like to grow apart with a close friend. And if that hurt so much, then I can't even imagine how he must've felt losing his sister like that.

"Your sister... she didn't contact you after that?"

"She texted me two days after she ran away to let me know she's okay but when I tried calling the number it was out of service. I ran into her a few months later at a bar... she was... she became a..." He's struggling to say the word, and my heart aches for him as I realize what he's trying to tell me.

"She was too young for that. I saw with my own eyes... I saw my little sister being used like a toy by strangers and--" He sucks in a deep breath before continuing. "And I couldn't just ignore that so I went there and tried to talk her out of it but she wasn't the same girl that I knew. The difference wasn't only in her appearance, even the way she looked at me had changed. She looked me in the eyes with no trace of emotions and told me to leave her alone. Just like that. And I know it was wrong but I just left without looking back. What kind of brother does that?" His tone is changing and I can tell how angry and regretful he is.

"You couldn't have done anything," I try to assure him, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

"No," He shakes his head. "I could've done something. Any sane person would drag her out of there and force her to go back home. Even a stranger would be bothered by the fact that she was too young to be there. And I just... left. I left."

I know there's nothing I can say to him, so I reach out and pat his shoulder twice. It's a pathetic attempt to make him feel better, but that's all I can do right now.

He manages to offer a small smile, and I can see that he's grateful. He's been listening to me for the past few weeks, and this is the first time I've returned the favor.

It's surprising how much it hurt me to see him blaming himself like that, and how relieved I felt when he smiled at me. I suddenly remember what I asked myself earlier. Do I have feelings for Kyle? I shake my head in denial. But deep down I know what's happening to me.

Because this is how it always starts.