Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter twenty-seven

"I only miss you when I'm breathing."

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•Kyle•

I slowly walk on the side of the road. Cars pass by, and people swarm the streets. The moon is visible in the clear night sky. This is what I wished to see for so long, but I'm anything but happy.

What happened yesterday feels like it was just a nightmare. I wish it was.

Right after fighting with Rae, I made a rash decision and went to Shelley right away. When she had come to check up on me the day that I punched the security guard, she already suspected it so I told her the truth and asked her to hide it from everyone in the group. She told me then that if I ever change my mind, she would help me get out anytime. She kept her word but I couldn't just leave like that so I thought of something. Since Shelley helped me out last time, I was sure she would do me one last favor: give my journal to Rae.

Two years ago, the night my father scolded me for getting into a fight at school, that night messed up my life. I stormed off and went to a bar with the intention of drinking 'till I pass out, but before I could even finish my second shot, some guy sat next to me and started asking questions. Why I'm alone, why I look down and whether I have a job or go to school. I didn't answer any of them, until he said something about offering me a job. He didn't explain much, but I understood what kind of job he was talking about. He said it would change my whole life, get me loaded, and that caught my attention. He gave me an address and told me to swing by if I'm interested.

I went there the next day and he introduced me to the others. They were some kind of gang that rob houses and public places at night. I didn't give it much thought before agreeing. All I wanted was to make some money and move out of my house. I wanted to be away from my parents, my school, and everything that reminded me of Jess. I was young and dumb.

It didn't take long for them to trust me completely, and so I helped out with keeping watch every night they had to rob a house. I got fairly paid and started saving it all to rent the apartment I wanted, and it clouded my judgment so much to the point that I stopped feeling guilty for becoming a criminal.

And then one night, we robbed a rich woman's home and got a huge amount of money and jewelry. We went to that same bar to celebrate, and I drank a few glasses before stepping outside for some fresh air. And then I saw the leader of our gang harassing a girl. She kept struggling and begging him to let her go, but he yanked her hair back and kept her in place. The alcohol was already messing with my vision, but it didn't take me long to realize that the girl was my sister Jess.

For a second there I wanted to run over and help her, but then I thought of what would happen to me afterwards. He was our leader and messing with him meant getting in trouble with the others. I wasn't scared of them, but I couldn't risk getting kicked out.

Thinking back, I couldn't believe how much of a hypocrite I was. She was my little sister and I chose to walk away while he did whatever he pleased to her. At the time, I had given myself the excuse that she chose to sell her body for money, so it was her fault. But that didn't make me feel better at the slightest. I felt more and more guilty as time went by. I couldn't get any sleep, couldn't eat, and that marked the start of my pills.

My mom saw the pills while cleaning my room, and noticed that something was wrong with me. She tried to take me to a psychiatrist, but I refused and my condition got worse to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I locked myself in my room for two days before overdosing on my sleeping pills, next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed. My dad didn't show up but my mom told me she was glad I survived, and that she won't let it happen again. I remember wondering why her speech sounded like a goodbye until I found out that it really was as I got transferred to the asylum and hadn't seen her since.

That's why I lost it when Rae mentioned my sister. My mind was clouded when I made the decision, but by the time I passed the gate I was already regretting it. I hoped she wouldn't hate me for it, and that when she reads my journal she'd know that I love her.

I spent last night in the provided place with another guy around my age. I don't mind having a roommate. They gave me a place to stay and I'm grateful for that. I'm sure the hospital called my parents to inform them that I'm discharged, but they won't care enough to find me and take me home. Would they even be glad about it?

The breathe is getting stronger so I zip up my jacket. Shelley said I could apply for a job that's looking for someone with my qualification, and I'm planning on starting my search tomorrow.

My life is finally getting back on track, just like I wanted, but I feel like I've lost much more then I've gained.

I stop walking as I see the glowing sign by the side of the road. I can hear the music blasting all the way to the street. It's been two years but I haven't forgotten this bar.

I'm already walking towards it without realizing. The probability of finding Jess here is close to none, I know. But I still want to try. I have to.

I walk in and push my way through the crowd on the dance floor. I take a close look at every girl I pass by. Would I even be able to recognize her?

I get to the bar and sit down on one of the stools.

"What can I get'cha?" the bartender asks, leaning closer.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? We don't have that here." He laughs at his own joke before pointing  to the shelves behind him which are stacked with countless bottles from top to bottom. "We do have every other type, so which one do you want?"

"I'm waiting for my girl. We'll order later," I say as patiently as I can.

He shrugs and goes back to his other customer. I turn my face to the crowd and watch people dance and have fun without a care in the world. It's all fun and games until you fall into a deep pit like I did. And there's no going back once you do.