Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter twenty-six

"I can't afford to lose you. Because then I'd lose myself too."

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•Rae•

I feel like my heart stopped functioning.

Ryan tried to kill himself?

"What?" Star's hand flies to her mouth as she gasps in shock.

"For real?" Megan frowns in confusion. "But how-- why?"

I look at Kyle and realization hits me. Ryan did it because of what he said to him. He notices my expression turning sour and shakes his head repeatedly. 

"I want you to know that I'm not in any way blaming you guys for what happened. I just have to make sure you'll be extra careful just in case he comes back," Shelley adds.

Ryan tried to kill himself. He wanted to end his life. All because of what Kyle said to him-- which means I am the reason for this.

I don't know how the rest of the session passed. I couldn't pay attention. I think Shelley calls my name at the end but I can't bring myself to listen. My hands are shaking and I can feel the tears coming. It's been a while since this happened to me. I've never stopped thinking about Mom and Dad, but I hadn't gotten close to a breakdown like this.

"I know you're disturbed..." Shelley's voice trails off in my mind, becoming more and more distant like I'm about to faint. I start to breathe heavily.

"Rae? Rae? Hey!"

I look up to find Kyle leaning towards me on the edge of his seat. "Are you okay?"

Seeing him glance at my shaky hands, I hide them under my thighs. Even though he's the one who asked me the question, I glance at the others as I answer. "I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" Shelley asks me.

"You're shaking," Star points out, her eyes filled with worry.

"I'm fine, I just... felt sick for a moment. But I'm okay now. Can I go to my room?" I ask desperately.

"Of course, our time is up anyway," Shelley says.

I quickly stand up and bolt out of the room, but Kyle follows me. As I pretend to not hear him call my name, he outruns me and blocks my way.

"Please, leave me alone for now."

"No, Rae. Talk to me." His eyes frantically search mine for some kind of hint.

"Talk to you? Ryan almost died because of you. Because of me! He tried to kill himself, Kyle. What do you want me to talk to you about?"

He seems to be taken aback for a moment. "That wasn't my fault! It wasn't yours either! We're not to blame here, it was his decision and he did what he thought was best for him."

"I told you he wasn't bothering me but you didn't listen. You followed him and threatened him to stay away from me!"

"I was just... I didn't like that he was sticking to you like glue." He looks away, probably feeling immature as soon as the words left his mouth.

"What is wrong with you? I told you that this is no place to get jealous over simple things. We don't have that luxury like normal people do! Look at where we are, what kind of people surround us. You have to be cautious of the way you treat someone even if he was giving me a hard time. That was so careless of you!"

"Come the fuck down, I was just--" He stops mid-sentence realizing that he just swore at me.

"You were just what?" I ask, throwing my hands to the air. "He could've died yesterday because of your stupidity. We don't even know him, we have no idea what kind of shit he went through." 

He runs his hand down his face before taking a deep breath. "I made a mistake. I acted without thinking and I never meant for this to happen. And I definitely did not think it would affect you this much."

I take a step back and huff in frustration. "What is that supposed to mean? It all happened because of me in the first place. Of course it affects me!"

"For God's sake, Raelyn. I told you already it wasn't your fault. And you said it yourself that we don't even know him. You don't have a reason to concern yourself too much, so stop overreacting."

"Kyle, you've told me yourself that you tried to kill yourself two times. You of all people should understand what it's like to-- to try to end your life by your own hands. But here you are telling me to not concern myself with this."

He keeps quiet.

"I lost my parents right in front of my eyes. I saw their burnt bodies being dragged out of the house. I desperately wished I had gotten there earlier, that way I could've died with them even if I couldn't be able to save their lives. I wished I wasn't forgetful because if I hadn't gone back to the supermarket for the milk I would've been there on time. I can't watch someone else die and being the reason for it makes it even more unbearable. I just can't." I chock back a sob as I cover my face with my hands.

"What can I say to make you understand that it wasn't our fault?!"

I look up at him, filled with rage. "Oh, so you blame yourself for what happened to your sister when it wasn't even your fault but you can't admit that you caused this?!"

"Why are you bringing her into this?" He glares at me.

This is a bad idea. We shouldn't be talking in this state.

I do the only reasonable thing I can think of. I storm away without looking back.

*   *   *

I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I felt so bad for what I did to Kyle. He didn't mean for Ryan to get hurt, and he definitely did not deserve all those things I said to him.

I decide to apologize as soon as I see him and explain that I overreacted because of my trauma regarding death. It's Kyle. He'll understand, right?

There's a knock on the door and I open it expecting it to be Jill since visiting hour is probably over by now.

I open it to find Shelley standing there holding a small notebook against her chest.

"Morning Raelyn, are you feeling better today?"

"Huh? Oh y-yeah, I'm okay. Thanks."

"You guys make me do things I'm not supposed to do, but I believe this won't bring you any harm so I came to give you this." She hands me the notebook.

I look at the cover and notice that it's the same as my journal. "I have one already," I tell her, pointing at the table behind me.

"It's Kyle's. He asked me to give it to you."

I frown in confusion and glance down at it again. "Why? And couldn't he have given it to me himself? I'm about to see him now anyway..."

Shelley shakes her head and I see a hint of sadness in her eyes. "He left, Raelyn."

I feel my heart sink. "What do you mean, he left."

"He got released yesterday. For real, this time."