Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter seven

"My worst enemy is my memory."

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•Rae•

"Raelyn!"

I watch Star walking towards me, followed by May.

"Hey, " Star greets me as they sit beside me. Seems like they don't feel like exercising either.

The three of us quietly watch the others play basketball until Star breaks the silence. "Should I call him over?"

"Who?" May asks.

"Flint."

We follow her gaze and turn towards Flint. He's sitting alone, as usual.

"I don't think that's a good idea..." May shakes her head.

"I'm gonna try anyway." Star waves at him while calling his name, and he glances up at her before looking down again.

"What's his problem?" Star pouts, disappointed. "I just wanted to bring us together. We shouldn't be alone anymore. We have each other now, right?"

"They might not feel that way..." May says quietly. "So maybe we shouldn't bother--"

"Hey! Lilly!" Star calls out as Lilly walks by us.

"--them." May finishes her previous sentence with a sigh.

Lilly shoots us a glare as she walks past. We watch in surprise as she sits beside Flint. There aren't any other seats in the room, so I guess it's understandable that she chose to sit next to the one person who wouldn't talk to her if his life depended on it.

Star and May start a conversation, and I keep watching Ollie and Megan as they play basketball for opposing teams. He keeps blocking her way and she looks pissed off as her team loses because of him.

"Is that Kyle?" I hear Star ask, and I quickly follow her gaze. He's sitting in his usual spot, facing away from us.

"Yeah, " I say.

"Hey, you talked!" Star exclaims, giving me a huge smile.

I stare at her in confusion and she starts laughing. "Sorry if that sounded rude. I'm just surprised because you haven't said a word until now."

I nod to let her know that it's okay.

"Should I call him ov--"

"No!" May and I cut her off at the same time.

She blinks twice before bursting into laughter. "Okay, okay. Jeez."

  *     *     *

"Today's topic is very important, " Shelley starts. "We're going to discuss our childhood memories. I know some of you might think that digging into the past is a waste of time. I promise you, it's not. Our adult lives are both enriched and limited by our childhood experiences and perceptions. The past influences the present. Our goal for this session is to learn how our past still lives in the present and influences us beneath our awareness. Your early life is when you learned what and how to feel. Share with us how you learned to manage your emotions, tell us if there were emotions that weren't okay to feel, like anger or sadness..."

I wish I could avoid this session altogether. Remembering my childhood is more painful than I can describe in words. Not because it was traumatic, but because thinking of it reminds me of my parents and that they're not here anymore.

"Ollie, would you like to go first?"

Ollie scratches the side of his head. It seems like even he isn't eager to talk about this. "My childhood was... uh... I--"

Everyone seems surprised to see him stuttering like this. Even Flint looks up.
"It was... peaceful. It was just... yeah."

He glances at Shelley, and she gives him an encouraging smile. "I lived with my dad and my little brother. We had everything we needed and more. I was happy. I'm sure they were too. We never knew our mother but it was fine because we had him. My dad was a great man, a hero." He pauses for a moment and his face darkens. "That's what got him killed. After he died, our grandma took us in. We were doing great. But then I... got into high school and started doing drugs... long story short, I ended up here."

"Flint?" Shelley asks.

"I don't want to talk about it," he replies with a blank face.

"I understand that it's hard, but as soon as you start--"

"No."

Shelley scribbles something in her notebook before moving on to Megan.

"I grew up with my older sister and her boyfriend. I had a shitty life, still do. There. Happy now?" Megan rolls her eyes.

"Star?" Shelley asks. I'm glad she isn't pushing us to talk, but this is too good to be true so maybe she's planning to make us discuss the topic after we've all had our turn.

"Yeah? O-okay, sure, " Star stammers, quickly straightening her posture. "As you already know, I grew up on my grandpa's farm. And I was known as 'farm girl' in school. But I didn't mind it that much, because I had two best friends. They were always nice to me. They weren't like the others, they never called me 'farm girl'. We always had fun together. Sometimes they would ask me to skip school and I would gladly do so and we would hang out all day. But then my brother... he told me that the girls I called my best friends weren't real, and that-- that I imagined them all along. Don't worry, I don't see them anymore. I haven't seen them in years. Please don't see me as a crazy person."

"We don't," Mary says quietly.

"That's true," Shelley adds. "Don't ever hesitate to share anything with us. I'm sure you all know what it's like to be judged, that's why I believe you're not judgmental towards one another."

Some of us nod.

"Lilly? Can you tell us anything about your childhood? It could be your favorite memory... anything you want to share."

"Sure," Lilly grits out. "It's such a lovely story, actually. My dad died when I was ten and my mom got remarried that same year. He was a lot younger than her and only wanted her money. He left us a year later. I lost her too after two years."

I zone out until I hear my name being called. I need to say something just to avoid drawing attention to myself. "My childhood was great. I had a lot of... nice memories." I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel the tears coming. I can't do this.

I wait for Shelley to move on to someone else, but all I hear is Star awkwardly clearing her throat next to me. I open my eyes again to find everyone staring at me. I realize that my tears are already falling down my cheeks. I make eye contact with Kyle since he's sitting right across from me. He looks away but I've already seen the thoughtful frown on his face.

He crosses his arms when Shelley calls his name. "I didn't have friends. I liked being alone, " he mumbles.

It seems like he's avoiding the question while also trying not to draw attention to himself. I can relate to that. I don't want Shelley to think I'm not willing to talk. I want her and everyone else to believe that I'm okay so they would discharge me from this place as soon as possible. That's why I won't ignore her questions like Flint does.

*     *     *

"I think I've figured out what we have in common, " I tell Jill as we're about to fall asleep.

"Huh?"

"The group therapy, I know why we're all in the same group."

"Really? Tell me then." She turns towards me.

"I don't think they have someone... you know, on the outside."

"You mean... they're all orphans?" she asks me hesitantly.

"Yeah... maybe." I sigh.

If they know what it's like to watch their roommate being called for visiting hours while they stay alone in the room, that means we all relate to one another whether we like it or not.