Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter nine

"Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you."

---------------------------------

•Rae•

"Did you buy everything?" Mom asks me as soon as I pick up the phone.

"I think so..." I drift off, rummaging through the groceries I bought from the supermarket on the way home from school. "Eggs, Bread, Rice, Salad dressing, Cheese..." I list every item one by one.

"What about the milk?"

"Oh no... I completely forgot about it." I groan, slapping my forehead with my free hand.

"Well, go back and get it then." She sighs.

"Mom," I say dragging the word. "I'm almost home. You're seriously gonna make me go all the way back for milk?"

"Well, we do need it," she tells me, and I complain for a few minutes as usual.

"You're getting lazier by each day." Mom's hearty laughter reaches my ears through my earphone.

"Like mother, like daughter." I joke before hanging up.

I go back to the supermarket and buy two cartons of milk before walking back to my house, the song blasting through my earphone keeping me company.

I get close to my neighborhood, and immediately realize that something is wrong. People are running towards the direction of my house, and I look up to see smoke covering the air.

My heart pounds in my chest as I take a turn and my house comes to view. More people are gathered around holding their heads in shock and shouting words that I can't hear.

And then I see it. I see our house burning down in flames. The fire engulfs it from all sides, coming out from the roof, door, and windows. The flame burns deep red as it licks up in the air with the wind. The oxygen gets knocked out of my lungs, and the grocery bag slips from my shaky hand and falls to the ground.

I slow down at first and then start running. I run as fast as I can, feeling the heat warming my body even from afar.

I sprint to the door but before I can reach it, my neighbor grabs my arm and holds me back.

"Mom! My mom's in there! She's in there! Let me go!" I sob uncontrollably but his strong hands hold me in place.

I turn towards the garage and I scream again seeing my dad's car parked inside.

He's in there too. He must've come home early.

Both of my parents are burning alive and no one is doing anything to help them.

•

I wake up gasping for air. I realize that my body is covered with sweat as I kick the covers off of me. Sitting up, I pull my knees close to my chest. I stay in that position until I start to calm down, which takes a while.

When will my pain and suffering come to an end? Will I ever be okay?

I feel tears building up at the corners of my eyes.

*    *    *

"Hey! Over here!" Star waves at me as I walk into the gym. May is next to her as usual. But what surprises me is seeing Kyle sitting one seat away from them. As I get closer and closer, I realize that the only free seat is the one between him and May.

From the corner of my eye, I can see him glancing at me as I sit down.

Star and May continue their conversation, and I watch the basketball game as usual. Kyle is doing the same, I assume.

A few minutes pass and I glance at him out of curiosity. Feeling my gaze on him, he turns his head to look at me. As soon as our eyes meet, a frown forms on his face. He stares at me in confusion and I quickly realize why. My eyes must be red and swollen from all the crying they endured a few hours ago.

I look away and glance at him again to see that he's not staring at me anymore. We both continue watching the game until he asks quietly, "Are you okay?"

I glance at him, surprised. He's still facing ahead which makes it easier for me to reply. "Yeah, I'm fine."

He nods slightly and we become silent again.

"I... I just... had a nightmare."

Why did I just tell him that? Maybe I felt like I should give him a proper answer since he cared enough to ask.

"I have nightmares too, " he says after a moment. "Mostly about my family," he adds so quietly that I almost miss it.

"Are they, are they... uh..." I struggle to say the word.

"They're alive, just not to me," he mumbles.

We glance at each other and I turn away first. "I wish that was the case for me."

Assuming that he's trying to choose his words carefully, I decide to make things easier for him. "They died a few months ago."

Strangely, I feel relieved that I finally said it out loud. And surprised, because I don't know how I managed to tell him so simply, without feeling like I was being suffocated to death.

"I'm sorry."

I nod and we continue watching the game.

"You can tell me about it if you want," he says after a moment. "I can listen."

"No, it's okay. Thank you though," I say sincerely. I appreciate it even though we're still strangers.

A few minutes pass before he glances at me again. "How did you know it was me?"

"Huh?"

"Yesterday, when you read what I wrote. How did you know?" He frowns in curiosity.

"From your body language, " I tell him.

"Really?" he raises his brows in surprise.

"Yeah, you defensively crossed your arms over your chest and your knee was bouncing up and down. And you looked away as soon as our eyes met. I know that's not enough to be sure but I had a gut feeling," I explain.

"Wow, " is all he says.

He probably thinks I'm weird. I wouldn't blame him if he does.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Star asks. "Can we join?"

I know our conversation is already over, so I join theirs instead. I try to ask questions and give them all my attention, but I know deep down that I wanted to keep talking to him.

*    *    *

"Ben got released today, " Jill tells me as we get back to our room.

"Who?" I ask her, taking a seat by the table.

"You're kidding me, right? We literally talked about him like a week ago." She chuckles.

"Oh." I turn around to face her. "I remember. You told me that he sat next to me during movie time."

"And that he was totally crushing on you. Don't leave that part out."

"Right." I roll my eyes playfully.

"Poor guy, he's probably disappointed in himself for not having the guts to talk to you."

"Nice theory."

"For real." She sits up in a criss-cross position. "I wish someone had a crush on me too. We need some excitement in this place. What else is there to do besides flirting with the boys? That's literally the best form of entertainment around here."

"I thought you liked movie time?" I raise my brow.

"I said the best, smart ass, not the only form of entertainment." She rolls her eyes while crawling under her blanket.

I chuckle, leaning on the table. We've talked more in this week alone than we've had in the past two months. I don't know what caused the change but I'm glad it did.

I'm realizing that making friends isn't that bad after all. It makes me feel like I'm normal, actually. And God knows how long it's been since I felt normal.