Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter eighteen

"My heart is mine but whenever I argue with it about you, it takes your side."

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•Kyle•

Why is she so understanding and patient?

Why does she have to make things more difficult for me?

When she was talking during yesterday's session, no one understood what she meant better than I did. The moment she said I might be desperately wishing for her to not give up on me, it surprised me so much that I lost my composure for a moment. I couldn't even hide that I was taken aback.

How did she read my mind like that? How does she know me so damn well? Despite giving her the cold shoulder for the past few days, I really was wishing for her to not give up on me. How messed up is that? How is it even possible that I want her to leave me alone but stay with me at the same time? Why do I badly want to end our friendship but can't stand the thought of it at the same time?

I make sure to not glance at her as she sits beside me. I shouldn't let her know that I'm struggling to go through with my plan.

What's my plan anyway? Ignore her until she gets tired of trying? Will I be able to do that? Is it even worth it?

Stop it, Kyle. You know it's worth it. Should you care about another person instead of focusing on yourself? No. You're better off alone like you've always been.

"Kyle," she says quietly. I feel her gaze on me but I keep watching the basketball match. "I don't know what you're going through. But I want to help, if you let me. You can at least tell me what's going on so I can be sure it's not my fault."

She sighs and a few moments pass before she continues, "You've been helping me all this time, let me do the same for you. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'll just listen."

I turn to her with a blank face. "You don't have to do that, I have nothing to say. I just wanna be alone."

Her face doesn't give anything away. Is she hurt? Angry? Sad? I can't tell, and it's driving me nuts.

Rae narrows her eyes at me. "I don't believe you."

"Suit yourself, just stop nagging me," I say coldly before looking away.

If this doesn't make her stay away from me, I don't know what will.

"Okay, I won't nag you from now on."

My heart sinks. Isn't this what I wanted? Why am I disappointed then?

"But I'll be waiting, " she adds in determination. "I'll be waiting for you to tell me the truth. Because there's no way you randomly decided to hate me."

I wish you weren't like this, Rae. Because it makes it difficult for me to do this. And it makes it impossible for me to stop liking you.

*    *    *

We're talking about our future goals today, and I despise the topic.

Oliver is the first to speak. "I gotta get out of here, for starters. Plan A is becoming a celebrity. I've got the looks, I've got the talent." He smirks. "Five years from now, I see myself giving you guys free tickets to my concert. And plan B... well, I'm good at repairing things so I'll be training to become a mechanic. I'll open my own garage. Either way, I'm gonna continue being awesome. That's pretty much it."

Good for you, buddy. At least you're looking forward to your future life, unlike me.

Star smiles as Shelley calls her name. "I think I'm going to work on my grandpa's farm."

"But you love the city." May points out, slightly pouting.

"I do," Star confirms with a sad smile. "But he left it for me before he died, and I promised I'd take care of the place. Plus it'll be good for me to be on my own for a while. Keep myself busy. So... Yeah."

When Shelley calls Rae's name, I can't help but glance at her. She has this unfamiliar look on her face, and for a moment I wish I could read her mind so I can figure out how she's feeling.

"I don't know, " she mumbles.

"You can tell us what your ideal future is if you want, or where you see yourself in a few years," Shelley says.

"I think... I mean I hope I'll be able to help other people. A job that allows me to do that would be great."

She glances at me and I quickly look away, but not before she catches me staring. Shit.

Your plan is to act like you don't care about her, Kyle. Why are you blowing it? Dumbass. My subconscious taunts me.

May fidgets with her hands as Shelley calls her name. "Um... I've always wanted to be a designer. Hopefully, I'll be able to... pursue my dream. If not, I'm okay with any job as long as I can provide for myself."

Flint looks up as Shelley calls his name. "To stay alive."

Nice one. It's achievable, especially if they lock us up in this place for years.

"What's the point?" Megan rolls her eyes on her turn. "Setting goals for the future is setting yourself up for disappointment. I prefer to live in the moment. Who knows how much longer I have? I could die tomorrow for all we know."

"Planning helps you to keep your mind on the right track," Shelley starts. "Making plans and committing to them will help you avoid any distractions on the way to success and personal growth. Personal development only comes from pushing yourself an inch further every time and this is best done when you're setting up short-term and long-term goals. Setting goals and plans give you the power to visualize vividly how you wish your life would be. Visualization will help you to put into play your strongest sense because it's much easier to follow a direction when you see it rather than going blindfolded."

"Fine. I'll study law. I'll live a comfortable life all on my own, without seeing my sister ever again. Happy now?" Megan rolls her eyes.

"Oooh, you'd make a badass lawyer." Oliver grins. "Prosecutor suits you more, actually."

When Shelley calls my name, I groan inwardly. I wish I was invisible sometimes. "I don't know," I mumble. "I'd like to start my own business." I add, knowing that she won't leave me alone unless I come up with something.

Lilly's the last one to speak. "My ideal future is living in some kind of deserted area so I can stay the hell away from people."

The girl who has a permanent frown etched on her face is antisocial? Who would've thought.

*    *    *

"You're not working out today?" Oliver asks me as I lay down on my bed.

"Don't feel like it," I answer just so he would shut up.

No such luck.

"Why?"

I close my eyes and ignore him.

"Who pissed in your cereal this morning? Or should I say the past couple of days? You've been sulking all day long. What's up?"

I didn't know it was this noticeable. I guess I look just as miserable as I feel.

You know what? To hell with this. I can't stay away from her. How stupid would I be if I shut her out knowing damn well that she's the only good thing in my life?

I know I have feelings for her. That's pretty damn clear, and I shouldn't have tried to fight it in the first place. What the hell was I even thinking?