The Words I couldn't Say

Failure

I can't do it
It's impossible

Advanced math
First quiz
Failed miserably
Even though on all homework
I was just where I needed to be

Quiz tomorrow
I can't sleep

I'm thinking and thinking
The same thoughts running through my head
"You're not going to stay in the class...
Why bother trying anymore? You're going to fail and you know it. You're a slow worker and you get limited time. Just give up now."

I want to cry
Two weeks in and I'm flunking two classes
That I had A's in last year

I tried so hard to be here
I have the lowest score for the end of the year test last year
And I'm going to be kicked out
First quarter

Everybody goes
"Oh you'll be fine, you're smart! There's a reason you're there you know,"
No that's not how that works
The only reason I'm here is because
My teacher last year
Took pity on me

The only reason I'm here is because
I just BARELY made it

The only reason I'm here
Is because I worked my ass off
But I can't keep that up

The "smart kids" don't find all of this easy
At least I don't
This is stressful
When you're put in advanced math
And get 100% that's what you expect for yourself
Every
Single
Time

If I don't see 100% I'm a failure
That's what I am
Because I can get that score
But I didn't

Even when I do get what I want
It doesn't fill me with joy
It makes me want to cry even more

I'm a failure no matter what I do
No matter how many tests I ace
How many things I know
I will never be anything more
Then a failure

What's worse?
My sister had the same teacher
And she's smart
3.9 GPA
She was probably his favorite

Then here I come
Lowest score
A failed quiz
And her shoes that are
Ten sizes too big

I can't fill them
Live up to that
But I have to
Because that's what's expected

If I don't fill her shoes
Live up to the standards
Not only did I fail my teacher
And
My family
I failed myself
And anyone who ever thought I could do it

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Hey sorry again, the chapters just seem to get longer and longer but I'm just so anxious. I don't want to fail already but I know that even if by some miracle I make it, I won't be happy. I'll never be happy with where I am.

I'm so sick of being so stressed and anxious it's just keeping me up at night and I want to sleep. So that's it for now, all of my pent up frustration. Bye.