The Words I couldn't Say

I Did Something

Hi

Today I did something stupid

I don't know why I did it

No
I do know why

But now I don't know if I'll be able to stop until it works
And even if it does I don't know if I'll stop there

You see
I wanted to die
I still do
But the music playing held me back

So instead
I wrapped my hands around my throat
And squeezed as hard as I could
I just wanted to be gone for a bit
Completely gone

When everything started tingling and I couldn't think
I thought
"Just a little longer, just a little harder!" But my hands couldn't do it
They went limp and I wanted to bang my head against the wall as my senses returned

I remember the despair I felt
I remember my mind screaming
"Why didn't it work?!"
It's not like I was trying to kill myself
At least not again
So why didn't it work

So I tried again
When that failed me I broke down
I wanted it to work so bad
If I could just hurt myself this way instead of cutting everything would be fine

And I tried a last time
I refused to let my hands get weak
I refused to breathe
I desired the feeling of finally being able to let go even if it was temporary

Then my hands and arms gave out
They were tingling and limp
I sighed as my senses came back

That was the best attempt so far
I was so close to reaching that state of unconsciousness
That bliss of being lifeless but only temporarily
But my body betrayed me

So here I lay, trying to keep myself from trying again
From tying something around my neck and maybe even finishing the job
Or maybe just taking the pills in the cabinet, that would be fast and everyone's asleep
I'd be gone before morning right?

Now my heads pounding
My limbs are weak but I can't bring myself to sleep

What's interesting is when I couldn't breathe
When the air from my lungs was almost gone
When I couldn't feel a thing aside from the tingles

My head wasn't pounding
My heart wasn't leaping out of my chest
And my mind wasn't screaming for air

It was calm
It was quiet
It was peaceful

Sure I couldn't think
But everything was so nice
I could feel my consciousness slip into a fuzzy haze and soon be gone

Anyway I did something
And that something was stupid