Think of me

thirty six: sadness & anger, love & lust

Grayson

I could not believe that I just admitted that out loud. Now Billie knew. I only told her because I completely trusted her. She was the most important person to me in the whole world. There was no one else in my life really.

The fact that someone else knew about what my dad did to me was a scary thought. But I was hoping that Billie wasn't going to do anything about it, without asking me first.

But I was right. About the social services. If I told them about what happened in my house, they would take me far away. No one in this town was selfless enough to take in a teenage boy, especially not with my reputation. Besides, I was eighteen already, so I would probably just be told to leave. But go where?

Billie had been silent since I told her that we wouldn't be together if I told social services. She wouldn't even look at me. I knew that this new information was quite overwhelming, but I didn't want her to think any different of me.

I tried to comfort her by stroking my hand up and down her back. She was still sitting on top of me, her legs straddled either side on my hips. She was in her underwear and she looked amazing, I was just pissed off that I had ruined the moment. A tear fell down her cheek but I wiped it away before it could get very far.

'I don't want to be my dad.' I finally spoke. Her eyes shot up to meet mine, finally.

'Then don't.' She said. 'Don't stay there.' I sighed, she didn't understand.

'I just told you, if I tell anyone, they'll take me away.' I said, trying not to raise my voice. 'I can't go anywhere else. I need to be with you.' My voice cracked as I spoke. Both of us were so sad, wracking our brains for a solution. Now that Billie knew, she wasn't going to let me stay at home.

'Come and live with me.' She suggested. I laughed slightly. I was thankful that she was trying to find a way, but it just wouldn't work.

'I can't do that baby, you know I can't.' I told her. 'You're parents have been amazing but I could never put that pressure on them. It wouldn't be fair.' 

'Okay, fine.' She sighed. 'Don't you have any family that live in town?' She looked hopeful, but I had to let her down.

'The closest family are at least an hour away.' I said. 'Plus, I would have to tell them why I'd need to live with them. And my dad would always know where I am.'

'You're eighteen.' She said, stating the obvious. 'You could live on your own. There are small flats nearby.' My ears pricked up at the thought, but I remembered that money would be a big issue.

'It's a great idea.' I began. 'But, I could never afford to live in a flat. If I moved out, my dad would cut me off from work. I would have even less money than I have now.' I watched as Billie's shoulders dropped. It broke my heart to see her like this, because of me.

'Then I think you have no other options, Gray.' She sighed. 'You have to tell someone. I know it might mean you'll get moved out of town, but we'll make it work. I can't let you go home if this is what's happening.' She ran her hands along my chest. I flinched when she touched a really bruised bit, but I tried to hide the pain the best I could.

'No.' I said bluntly. 

'What?' She replied.

'No.' I repeated. 'I'm not going anywhere. I can't go without you.' 

'You have to Grayson.' She insisted. It shouldn't have hurt when she used my full name, but it did. 'We can still call and text and face time.' 

I pushed her off of me as gently as I could. I was trying not to let my anger out. We were both talking in hushed voices because it was almost 1 in the morning. Once I was out of the bed, I began pacing the room, taking deep breaths.

'You don't get it Billie.' I whisper-shouted. 'I'm not leaving. Why are you so desperate to get rid of me?' I asked, probably overthinking.

'What?' She whisper-shouted in return. 'Don't fucking say that. You know that's not true. How can you actually ask me to let you keep getting hurt? You know I would do anything for you to be happy. And you can't be completely happy while you're living in that house!' She was kneeling up on the bed now, whipping her hands through the air as she spoke.

'But I'll never be happy at all if I have to be away from you.' I was getting angrier now. Why couldn't she see that she was everything to me? 'I don't care what my dad does to me, I'm used to it.'

'Well you shouldn't be, Gray, it's not right. I will never forgive myself if something even worse happens to you, when I could be doing something to stop it.' Her voice was shaking now, out of sadness and anger. 'Why won't you just accept that you have to tell someone? We don't know if they actually will take you out of town. They might find somewhere close to home.'

'They wouldn't do that. It would be too close to him.' I told her. Billie's face dropped when she realised I was right. 'I love you so fucking much, alright? Don't make me leave. Please.' I finally stopped. And so did she.

I stood at the end of her bed, while she was still knelt in the centre it. I was looking into her eyes. They were as gorgeous as ever. I couldn't look away from her. I realised that we were both still half naked. I had no top on and my jeans were undone. And Billie was in her matching lace underwear. I don't know if it was the intensity of our first argument, or just that we were both practically naked, but when my eyes returned to her face, her expression had changed from anger to lust.

As if an alarm had gone off, we both jerked forward for each other. I met her at the edge of the bed and grabbed her waist, pulling her body into me. I smashed my lips to hers and ran my hands all over her warm skin. She did the same. Her hands explored my hair, my face, my body. Eventually her hands landed on my half undone jeans. She unzipped them all the way so that they fell to the ground. I stepped out of them and climbed onto the bed with her. Our lips never detached.

With my arms wrapped around her small frame, I laid her down on the bed below me. I trailed my kisses down her neck and across her chest. I kissed her stomach as I saw it moving in and out as her breathing accelerated. She was either panting or panicking. I hoped it was the first. I looked up at her face to see her reaction. She smiled at me nervously, but then gave me a small nod.

I ran my hands down her sides, to her hips and then onto her arse cheeks. I continued to kiss her body as I made my way downwards. I ran my fingers across the hem of her pants before pulling them down until they were on the floor. I could see Billie's chest rising and falling rapidly as she laced her fingers in my hair. Her gentle moans gave me the seal of approval.

Then I shifted my body back up the bed so that my face was inline with Billie's. She's smiled at me, showing me that she was okay.

'Do you want to do this?' I whispered to her. I looked into her eyes, searching for any kind of regret. But there was none.

'Yes.' She said before smashing her lips to mine once more.