Sweet Surrender [18+]

t w e n t y - f o u r

Lauren absolutely hated herself. Just loathed herself. She was a hot mess of cliché, weeping any time anything reminded her of Josh and their relationship. The faint scent of his sporty body wash lingering on her bed sheets. The stupid "fuck me" heels that led to probably the best sex between them.

Even her simple Ravens hoodie that she owned long before she met him led her down memory lane. The framed photo of them kissing on the football field that his mom had given her over the holidays, and Lauren didn't have the heart or strength to tuck it away somewhere or even throw it out.

The absolute worst part of the breakup was complete radio silence from Josh. No text saying, "I'm sorry." No voicemails from him blabbering on and on and on about being a complete idiot and begging for her forgiveness. No late-night knocks on her door. Absolutely fucking nothing.

Her ex-girlfriend, Jessica, had the decency to drunk dial her a few times after moving to California and blubber on and on about making a mistake and missing Lauren terribly. Knowing Jessica had been hurting and had thought about her gave Lauren some solace, but she had no idea how or what Josh felt. Was he still angry with her? Did he feel a little sorry about banging Jodie? Did their relationship mean nothing to him? Did he really love her?

And what the hell had he been saying about the breakup? From the hundreds of texts and voicemails Lauren received from Cara and Michelle, they had no idea what happened but promised to never talk to him again. According to one of Cara's texts, she was on "Team Lauren" all the way and her stupid brother could "go fuck himself."

As much as she loved the twins and their support, Lauren had no energy to talk to anyone. She just wanted to be alone and wallow in her misery, and surprisingly, April did nothing to stop the one-woman pity party. She, however, demanded to know every single damn detail about the breakup that Lauren didn't want to remember but dreamed and thought about anyway.

Lauren wanted to hold her head high over the past month. She wanted to move on as if nothing happened. She wanted to pretend her heart wasn't hurting. She wanted more than anything to feel strong, determined, and invincible, but she didn't.

Instead she felt weak, tired, and emotional, fighting the urge to remain in bed, tucked securely under the safety and warmth of her comforter. But she couldn't afford to wallow for days on end. She still needed to attend her classes. She still needed to work. But more importantly, Lauren still needed to figure out what to do when summer arrived in two short months.

She briefly toyed with idea of joining Tristan and April on their cross country trip, but the idea of spending her money on something other than her dream didn't feel right.

"It's not too late to join us," April begged the other night when Tristan stopped by the apartment to start mapping out part of the trip. "We'd have so much fun torturing him with our girl talk."

Tristan rolled his eyes as he sat on the couch with his laptop on his lap. "Do your best, bitches. I have three sisters that already make my life a living hell."

Lauren chuckled softly, shaking her head.

"What are you going to do, Ren?" her roommate asked, sitting on the other end of the couch with a tablet in her lap.

"I don't know," she admitted, shrugging, as she sat on the floor in front of the flat screen TV and played a hidden object game on her phone.

Anytime she thought about her options, Lauren quickly pushed any decision to the back of her mind and either focused her attention on studying or playing games on her phone. As long as she didn't think about her future without Josh then her heart wouldn't ache and more tears wouldn't fall.