Dosage of Serotonin

Chapter 39

Chapter 39

It was a peaceful moment. My heart was calmer as if a huge burden had been lifted from it. That's it... I've said it. Ang bigat na matagal kong itinago at kinimkim ay nasabi ko na.

"If you fail me, I fail you, too... have you thought of that?" he asked softly. "I didn't even know that you were blaming yourself the whole time."

Yumuko ako at lumayo sa kanya. The memories, both happy and sad, looped in my head like a cassette recorder. How I was so terrified by my own notion that he was cheating on me, how my mother abandoned my family, how my father beat me, how my sister stole my money, how my brother mistreated me, how I nearly lost my license, and how my nephew died.

Ang dami pala. Nagsabay-sabay pala talaga.

Wala akong nakasama. Kahit nariyan ang mga kaibigan ko, pakiramdam ko ay naging mag-isa ako. I cried in my room alone, wondering why all of that happened to me. My loneliness doubled when I first arrived here. I had no one to talk to. I had no one to lean on to.

At ngayong naiisip ko ang lahat ng 'to, napagtanto ko na hindi ko pala masyadong inalagaan ang sarili ko. I didn't cry enough for myself. I just cried because of the circumstances... not by the way I had been abused and forsaken.

Calix was right. I was a victim, too. Like him, I was hurting, too.

When Mark died, instead of mourning, I blamed myself for not being attentive to his symptoms. When my family went downhill, I blamed myself because I let them take advantage of me.

I blamed myself for everything, not knowing that I was in so much pain, too. I didn't welcome my agony because all this time, I always thought to myself that I was wrong, too.

Vina, ano ang ginawa mo sa sarili mo?

Nakatalikod na ako ngayon kay Calix pero tuloy-tuloy ang pag-agos ng luha sa mga mata ko. Pareho kaming biktima ng mga tao sa paligid namin. Pareho kaming nabigo.

"Calix, I waited for you," my voice cracked. "Like what you said before we broke up... I waited for you."

Umiling ako nang maramdamang lalapit sana siya sa akin.

"I never thought I was doing that until you came. Sinunod ko lahat ng paalala mo. Hindi rin ako nagkakagusto sa iba kasi hinahanap kita sa kanila. I always look for the kind of love you gave me... and I always find myself failing."

"Vina—"

Umiling ulit ako. "Iniisip ko pa... bakit parang ang dali sa 'yo ng lahat? Bakit nakabawi ka agad? Bakit ako ang tagal?" I took a deep breath as tears continued to wet my cheeks. "B-Bakit naging engineer ka no'ng hindi mo na ako kasama? Tapos ako... hindi ko na kayang maging psychiatrist kasi natatakot na akong magkamali."

Pinalis ko ang luha at humarap sa kanya. I didn't look directly at his eyes.

"Calix, you are better off without me."

It hurt me more than the way it should. Tanggap ko naman 'yon... pero ang sakit pa rin pala... ang hirap pa rin pala.

"Vina, please, 'wag namang gan'yan..." he pleaded.

I looked into his eyes. He seemed to be terrified as he shook his head to disprove me.

"Hindi rin naman madali sa 'kin... pero iniisip kita kaya nakakaya ko." Pain reflected in his eyes. "Please, don't make it sound like you want me gone." Yumuko siya at muling umiling. "I told you before, right? I will work hard to be the universe you deserve... I'm continuously working. Please, don't reject me just yet."

My heart ached more. "Dapat nasa Pilipinas ka ngayon. Naroon ang trabaho mo, eh. Naroon ang buhay mo. But what are you doing here? Why are you wasting your time and money here?"