Ice is overrated

Chapter 31

Mara *note this is the same day but from the last two chapters*

It's been a week since I got out of the hospital. Don't get me wrong having Declan basically living at my house is nice kinda gives me hope for the future. A future I never imagined for myself to be honest I didn't think I would be turning 24 on Friday but here we are. It's only Monday and everything hurts today. I don't wanna move but I finally spoke up and told everyone to stop babying me. Don't get me wrong it's nice to have people around that care and show up when it's something like this but it's over baring. My brothers finally went off to their own lives and I'll go back to be the youngest forgotten one like always. I hobble myself out of bed and glance out the window that's directly next to my bed. I see Declan is gone and no one is here to replace him for what I've been calling mara duty. Literally I hate it, at first it was okay we had a huge scare and basically our whole lives torn open but we are still here. I am kind of still angry at my brothers for not telling me anything about the stupid society and everything, like the possibility that my father could still be alive. They are my brothers so they get a pass I guess. I hobble to the closest and grab a dress for the day because pants or any type of clothing on this wound hurts like a bitch even though my pain tolerance is high. I am just happy to finally have time to myself. I love my friends and family but there's something about being at home alone where there is no one to judge you that you can let your hair down and your freak fly.

With Declan it's been awkward at times and I find myself watching everything he does. There has been a time or two I may have forgotten to wear shorts around him in just a big hoodie or t-shirt and some panties. My sexy panties just to see if he even remotely likes me. To be fair he insists on never wearing a shirt but I don't mind at all with his abs and muscled chest on display all the time especially after he gets done with a run and is all sweaty his golden, light brown tawny skin on display just for me to watch. Just fuck me right then and there. Man I haven't had any sex in so long I usually do casual hook ups since no one really wants a fat woman. Say what you want but it's true I am disposable and replaceable with a skinny version of me. I have caught him a time or two having to adjust things so I wouldn't notice the hard on he has for me but I just think that's because I have tits I can't hide and an ass the I swear is too flat, but hell if I know. The way I have caught Declan looking at me these past days I can't help but think he wants me in a way no one wants me. He sees me all of me and still has that fire in his eyes let alone the awareness I feel soul deep when he is near. I enjoy teasing him but he does it back and I swear it's like my body knows him. I've had to quietly play with myself with my vibrator collection and it's not enough. Not even my girl crush on this Instagram model can satisfy this need for him. Fuck, thinking about him now has me drenched and I don't have time for that. I hobble downstairs pain scorching through every step into the kitchen.

I make pour over decaf coffee, the best thing in the morning when you can't have full caffeinated coffee. I take my cup and hobble to my breakfast nook that I turned into a reading nook. I sit and stare out the window watching the breeze blow by. I miss feeling the wind on my face when it blows through the house. I miss my freedom. Hey, I maybe introverted and chose not to go out of my house but it's different when it's your choice. My mind wanders back to Declan wondering what it would be like with him and not this fake relationship bullshit. We haven't even kissed and I worry that people will suspect that its fake when they don't see us do more than hand holding in public. Josh would see it and it would start again all this because my father. It makes no sense to me. Out of everything I have been told it's like there is something missing. I can't put my finger on it. I grab my laptop out doing some quick things for Professor Mendes before looking up everything that needs to be known about the Reges Doloris. Along with everything about Josh Douleur.

I spent hours combing through so many articles and family history when I hear the door close and Kendra walking towards me. "Hey! I just wanted to pop by real quick and get your help with my image. I am so bad at this whole social media thing and it's unfair that the men don't have to worry about what they post. Literally got yelled at by coach for posting a bikini picture" She says as she walks into the kitchen I laugh hard knowing the picture she posted. Kendra is thick like I am but she is that type of a bigger woman that has a fat ass, big tits but a little waist. I envy her on most days where I feel like a pregnant whale walking where my fopa has its own personality. Its sometimes why I wonder why Declan looks at me like he does when he could have someone like her. Someone who isn't fucked up and has their shit together, well for the most part. Kendra has had a hard life with both her parents in the military she lived with Declan and his family. I only found out about this after she finally told me why she didn't want to tell me she's Declan's cousin. Her reasoning was that everyone has used her to get to him to date him. Which is super shitty on their part. I reassured her that, that's not my intention and whatever happens with Declan is between me and him. That nothing would change between us that this is only fake. Only. Fake. Yep sure that's what we need to keep reminding myself.