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Smith's journal

Back to 2016,

When I was captaining professional team and were responsible for each things. Things were as perfect as they remain till end. Broken down inch by inch was a mistake paid for every tiny steps. I was capable to lead through stroms. Calm while thunder was rolling to thrust. Calm when capabilities remain unchanged. If the things turn to personal, I'd choose only friends over siblings. Battling for international spots, permanent spot. Not they just gained but they remained. UNCHANGED.

Back to 2017,

Things were getting changed. Sometimes slower, sometimes faster. Still love to ride roller coster. I was walking in a path, alone when I saw someone known was coming from front. It was unclear sight under sunlight. I don't know wether to take it personal or not. But it happened in an unexpected way. I always talk about professionals, sometimes how to bat or how to bawl too. As a batter, you choose open field even if you're not holding a bat you can practice through your perception. They call it- Shadow batting. I didn't love that name much. But you love what you love. I don't care much about. When I slowed my walking, I slightly imagine I saw someone from my own nsw team coming closer. Wait, I saw a bouquet! I don't like walking alone. Maybe I needed a bat while walking I can practice somehow. I came outside for refreshments after few hours incoming practice on nets even off nets. I finsihed my ice-cream, summer things usually rolled me up! So it was Sean Abbott closing distance, a smile on his face. I don't know what he was smiling at. At me? I don't usually get myself outside off field wether it's for a unofficial invitation or an official invitation. I do practice more often I got chance. It was a day off today but I took yesterday as day off. I need to go. Further and further more. When I stopped walking, I saw he stopped too. He waved a hand as I did too. Whatever I made a choice that day, a choice wha isn't gonna change me, isn't gonna bit me, isn't gonna hurt me or rule over me. Maybe I did right. Right for my future and my profession. Sometimes I also think, you get what you deserve wether it's for punishment or for lessons. What I face in 2018, was it for THIS punishment? I saw him kneeled down and rise the bouquet of purple lily in front of my legs. My brother went to USA for Masters. He won't come before November this year. I don't know wether to step back or step forward. What would you do if you see a hole between your path? Of course, ignore it, get awareness from it, or jump over it... not jump IN it right? Never ever you're making the choice. I might be sure, sure for one hundred percent. That day, I saw a hole inside my world. Inside my heart. I know I shouldn't have said in that way, I had reasons. Infinite untold reasons. I can write by word- Disturb, Teach, Flirts, Irritate, Battle, Misunderstanding, Scene creat, Misfortunes, Mistreat, Misbehave, Disrespect, Shabby, Insults, Low... alright. It's enough. I felt hesitate all the way, feeling like I got electric bolt spreading through my body. I looked down and saw his impassioned eyes looking at me. Though he proposed me literally for no reason back then. I survived in family, in friends, in profession, even in normal life. Now it's 5 years after 2018, the best lesson I've found. To be honest, we learn from mistakes and we pay for that. I came back in 2019 and proved me all the way. I am still proving me. Not gonna lie, still feel hurt thinking about 2018. And at an obvious I rejected him with a bunch of respect. I didn't disrespect someone much. But I did what I did. The combination of personal and professional remixing with more complications and obligations. I remain busy after then. I do remember I did nothing wrong. What I get in 2018 was a reflection of my turning point and a surety that I'm never gonna look back from then. I suppose I did it. I did what I said to me. I did what I should have.

Back to 2019,

World Cup 2019 started with mew captain. I gave the Captaincy back then. And of course, for the return theu welcomed us in warm heart. It's his responsibility but he did more than he should. We performed well in World Cup. I hesitate telling each of the team players, most of them were new comers. Most of them were uncomfortable little. We stayed as calm as possible all the single time. As a coach, I didn't like Langer much. Obviously, Pat Cummins was my side. Whatever, if I started writing the whole professional situation, It will be a composition.