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Ron's journal

Several years Smith stayed in our house in England. They said it was quicker, possibility to have feelings for people being around you. It was normal for me to watch Smith turning like it. I knew his damn history about people crushing for him for having him or secured him for life time. It was way better then to think not holding a better mind loads with feelings and at the same time mixing earlier movements with it. Sound funny. Sounds crazy. Staying under same shelter made lots of changes what you need for one. I stayed like his little brother although I was his same age. As he was the friend of my big brother, the respect came from that way. I was stable to make myself a lot better for him as friend. Maybe. I'm not sure. I was shocked hearing his history with blockers he blocked earlier his mature age. He rejected lots of people cause he loved someone else.

You need to put a gap between satisfaction and comfort. The words are different. 

When you needed both side support you get vanished by your own company. How much it become a painful eye to watch your ownself dying behind dignity? It was 2017 year running, busy year with my semester exams. I was fresher. I was studying hard then. I didn't know how I finsihed entire graduation that quickly. I remember when I visited Oxford I first saw Richardson, he was looking much different from how he came infront medias. No beard, no boycut hair. I couldn't define by words. My life started changing since he appeared in. My whole imagination started rotating since then. I never felt better before. He told me when we got each-other before staring our relationship, he can't be in relationship with me. He has problems, even if he loves me too. I started changing Mt acceptation slowly as I let him feel the importance of move on what he barely needed. He's never encouraged  by one whoever he helped before. It sounds more dramatic and heart-mind battle is the sequel what comes after moving. He wanted me as I dis too. He couldn't get the brave inside him. I somehow forced him to be in relation with me. He did. He didn't show much inside of him. But I realised what one should be done when you lost capabilities even for standing. For 2017 to 2021, I remained happier. If I knew it's coming for me in this way I never ever can take, I'd have killed myself under train.

Not a rationalize feelings you can have when you need yourself the most.

I didn't take Smith in abnormal way. Never. I wrote I took his as elder brother even though he's few months  younger. I went a bar where Smith and Hughes went too. I didn't know that. I can't write anything from that day. That day, when I came to know Smith loves ME. He did. And he proven that in disgusting way. He kissed my lips while I was battling to unknot the rope with which I was tied with chair, I was sitting on. How filthy! How obscenity! I tried so hard to get rid off I couldn't. I couldn't manage myself to throw him down, to slap him or to smash his face. All could I do was just noding my head. I should have smash his face with mu head. But I couldn't even move my head, he was Kissing and holding me head tightly. So all I could did was bite his lips with my teeth so I can rid off. I left a deep cut on his lips and I tasted his blood, I puked it on floor. I saw some floating anger on his face and grudge on his shoulder. He was looking at me with bloody eyes. Hughes was stucked on a room cause Smith locked him. I heard he was trying to break a door and trying to come for me. When he did it, he untied me and I rushed off cause I never imagined I faced assault from someone I called brother. It didn't much for anyone who faced those often. But it killed me insidely. I didn't get my mind for study. I didn't perform well in my first semester. When I look at me in the mirror my eyes stucked in my lips where he left a huge mark. I remember how It felt those days. Whenever I saw his face, I saw that day. I saw myself showing a happy face infront of everyone, I couldn't share things what I feel. I couldn't remain good how I should. How it feels when the same human doesn't wnat your relationship with whom you love the most? Even he could snatch Richie from me, I didn't let him. He has no right to steal my happiness AGAIN. No right.

Your life becomes how you create it.