Once in a Lifetime

Four.

For three days, Louis refused to talk. He didn't talk to Liam or Niall when they tried to console him. He didn't talk to his mum when she tried to phone him. He didn't talk to Zayn's parents when they hugged him. All he did, for three days, was shower and lay in bed. Every second of every day he could feel Zayn's blood on his skin, his cold body in his hands. He could taste his tears falling down his cheeks and into his mouth as he sobbed. He could hear his screams echoing through the walls. He replayed that day over and over in his head as he scrubbed his body for the hundredth time or when he stared up at the blank ceiling. If he didn't have an exam, Zayn would still be alive. If he had stayed and made sure he was okay, Zayn would still be alive. If he had come home sooner instead of waiting for Niall and Liam, Zayn would still be alive. If he had gone straight into his room when they got home, Zayn would still be alive. If he had noticed the notes sooner, Zayn would still be alive. Louis couldn't help but blame himself for Zayn's death, and in his eyes that meant he should die too. It had been three days since the rug of life was ripped out from beneath him, and nobody but Louis knew the real reason it had happened. Louis was the only person Zayn had talked to about his mental health, and now he was gone, Louis was left to tell everybody the truth. He was scared, though. He was scared that they'd blame him. How was he supposed to stand in front of Zayn's grieving family and tell them that their son had confided in him months ago, but he hadn't been able to help him? How was he supposed to stand in front of their friends and tell them that Zayn had trusted Louis with the biggest secret of his life, a secret that ultimately killed him? He just couldn't bring himself to tell the truth, so he refused to talk to anyone.

Five days later, and as everyone prepared for the trip before Zayn's funeral, Louis took his third shower of the day. It was only 3pm, but he could still feel Zayn's blood on his hands, both physically and metaphorically. He hadn't been to university since it happened, and this would be the first time he had left the house since his exam the week before. He was scared to feel the fresh air on his skin, scared to hear the crunching leaves under his feet, scared to see the faces of so many people. He was currently sat on the sofa in the house he shared with the boys, their bags packed and waiting by the door. Zayn's funeral was taking place in Doncaster the next day, and that meant an hour and a half drive back home. He could hear Niall and Liam whispering to each other as they appeared in view, their faces softening when they saw the dishevelled boy in front of them. "Lou, are you ready?" Liam asked, picking up his suitcase and motioning towards the front door. Louis didn't say a word. He stood up, throwing his bag over his shoulder, and walking straight passed Liam's disappointed face. He heard Niall's voice behind him, already too far away to know what was said. Once they were all in the car, the awkward silence filled the air. Louis was sat behind the passenger seat, leaning his head against the window as Liam drove them out of Manchester. Niall got bored of the silence first, turning on the radio to create some kind of distraction. The outside world seemed strange to Louis, and as the busyness of the city faded into the background and the green hills of the countryside came into view, all Louis could do was think of the countless times he and Zayn had driven this very same road.

***

"We're going to university!" Zayn screeched out of the open window into the vast expanse of greenery that surrounded them. Louis' car was full to the brim with clothes and appliances and all the things that their mums had demanded they take with them. For the first time in their lives, they finally felt like adults. They were free of the restraints of Doncaster, of family life, of high school, and they were finally able to begin the chapter of their life they had been dreaming about for the last few years.

"Calm down, mate, I don't think the sheep are that bothered!" Louis laughed, shaking his head at the weird boy next to him.

"I don't care, Lou, this is our life and I want to make sure every single being on this planet knows that we, Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson, are going to university and preparing for the rest of our lives as grown men!" They high-fived, Louis turning up the radio and singing his heart out as Zayn clapped and cheered beside him. In that moment, they were happy, and it felt like nothing could ever change that.