Once in a Lifetime

Forty-Eight.

It was the beginning of August, and Louis had just phoned Harry to tell him he would be late home from work that night. Harry was nervous that Louis was being secretive, especially since he knew Louis was still fragile, but he decided to give his boyfriend the trust he deserved and let him do his own thing. Trust had never previously been an issue in their relationship, but after Louis' suicide attempt Harry had struggled to be away from Louis. It had started by not wanting to leave the hospital, then calling him every day when he was at his mum's and then having the boys check up on him when he had to go to work. He was much better now, but he still needed to concentrate on not thinking about Louis that evening as he waited for him to come home. By 8pm, Harry had had enough of being patient. He pulled out his phone to check on his boyfriend, but that was when the front door swung open to reveal Louis' smiley face.

"Hey baby, sorry it's so late, work was manic today and I had to stay to sort things out." Harry wasn't sure he believed it, but Louis looked so happy Harry almost didn't care he was lying.

"I've saved you some dinner, it's in the fridge when you want it. You look happy, good day?" Louis went on to explain some of the things he had done that day and told Harry a story that Anthony had told him at lunch. It was funny, but it didn't explain Louis' smile. Of course, Harry loved to see Louis happy, so he dropped the subject and they carried on their evening as normal.

When Louis went to his session with Caroline the next Monday, he had no idea it would be so hard. Caroline had gone straight into talking about Zayn, telling Louis that they had been having these appointments since June and it was time to get to the reason they were here.

"So, let's talk about Zayn. I want you to tell me exactly who Zayn was to you."

"Um, Zayn was my best friend, my brother, the person that was involved in every aspect of my life. We grew up together from the beginning of primary school, and I can't think of many memories from my childhood without him."

"What is your favourite memory of Zayn?"

"Probably the time in middle school when we went camping in the Lake District and there was a campfire so we ate marshmallows and told horror stories, and Zayn and I shared a tent and stayed up all night and then we went swimming and climbed mountains and Zayn would always carry the bag because I complained it was heavy."

"That sounds nice, why is it your favourite memory?"

"I don't know, I just remember spending the three days we were there being so happy, and it was the first time Zayn and I had stayed away from home together without our families and it was just a really happy time. Like, we were able to be ourselves with just our school friends and I think it was around that time that I started to debate my sexuality. Of course, at 12, I didn't know very much about different sexualities, and I wasn't sure whether it was okay to question that about myself."

"Why do you think you started to have those thoughts whilst you were there?"

"I don't know, maybe it was the freedom from my family or the open space of the countryside?"

"Do you know what I think? I think you had a deep connection with Zayn, so being alone with him, away from your parents and the pressures of home life, allowed you to be yourself for the first time." Louis nodded along, thinking about what Caroline was saying. "And what about your worst memory with Zayn, what would you say that was?"

"We were in the first year of sixth-form and we were both stressed out with the workload. Zayn had just started seeing this girl from the year above, and he was spending so much time with her. She didn't like me because Zayn and I came as a package, so she would try to get him to ditch me all the time, and of course he was so besotted with her that he fell for her charms and let me go a little. I tried to ignore it, but over the space of a month Zayn became someone I barely recognised. We ended up having this huge fight and I told him I hated him, I actually punched him when he called me clingy, and we didn't talk for days afterwards. Finally, he came to his senses, broke up with the girl and apologised to me, so I took him bowling and everything was okay after that."