Once in a Lifetime

Fifteen.

It was the early hours of the morning when Harry felt a tap on his thigh, so he turned his attention away from his book and back to the half-asleep boy curled up beside him. "Are you alright, Lou, do you, um, want anything?" Louis nodded, not allowing himself to look up at Harry. "What can I do for you?" Harry asked gently, placing his book on the coffee table, and turning to face Louis properly. Without warning, Louis looked up and Harry saw into those beautiful blue eyes. If only he could make them shine like they had before.

"Can we talk?" Louis whispered, taking Harry by surprise. It was so quiet he almost wasn't sure if he had heard it at all, but for Louis, this was an incredibly momentous occasion that he had been thinking about for the past hour.

"Uh, yeah, if you're, um, sure, okay, yeah," Harry stuttered, his voice low and steady so it didn't scare Louis. "What is it that you'd like to, um, talk about?"

"Zayn." Louis looked back down at his hands, picking at the loose skin from where he had scrubbed them. "I'd like to talk about Zayn, if you don't mind." Harry reached for Louis' hand, taking one away and holding it in his own.

"It would be my honour to listen, Lou." Louis nodded, panic coursing through his veins. Even though he had wanted to do this and had been planning this conversation for an hour, now that it was happening, he didn't know what to say. Harry noticed, because he shuffled slightly closer to Louis, placing his hand on his chin, forcing the nervous boy to look at him. "There's no pressure, okay? You can talk about anything you like for however, um, long you like. I promise I will listen, and I promise that whatever you say stays between, uh, between us, alright?" As Louis looked into Harry's emerald spheres, he realised that when he was with Harry, he was safe. Harry was a good guy; Zayn would have liked him. Zayn. Louis took a deep breath as the hand Harry was using to hold his chin, gently moved his fringe away from his eyes.

"Zayn was my best friend," Louis started, anxiously looking at Harry to see if it was okay to continue. When he got the nod of encouragement, he let the words continue to flow. "At school, I was loud, and he was pretty quiet, but it just worked. Zayn needed confidence and I needed to learn to keep my mouth shut. We hit it off straight away." Harry continued nodding along, his hand still holding Louis'. "We'd spend every day He was more of a brother than a friend. We'd go to the park together, we learnt to skateboard together, we learnt to drive together, we got our results together, planned for university together, we prepared a whole future together. Everything was always together. I stayed at his when my mum had Daisy and Phoebe. I don't think you know this, but they're my little sisters. They're only eight and they absolutely adored Zayn. When my mum and dad divorced, it was quite messy and the three of us ended up staying with Zayn's family for a few days whilst everything was sorted out. We were just one big family. Everything Zayn and I did, we did together. We were very rarely seen apart. He was the brother I never had, and I loved him, I really did. I still do, actually." Louis noticed Harry smiling a little as he listened, and that encouraged him to carry on. "Zayn was actually the first person I told when I thought I was gay. He was the person I trusted the most and the person I knew was most likely to help me with no judgement. Zayn was just that kinda guy. He helped me so much, like he helped me cover it up until I was ready to be more open, and he helped me to figure out exactly what I was feeling. Because of him, I can be myself now. I just wish I could have done the same," he mumbled, looking away from Harry. Louis quickly continued, promising himself that he'd get to that bit eventually. "Anyway, we came to Manchester together and we were put into dorms with Niall and Liam. We all just clicked and started to party together and get to know each other. To begin with Niall was the louder of the two and he was always telling jokes and laughing like a drunk Irishman, whereas Liam was more reserved, and we had to persuade him to come out instead of locking himself away to revise. Over time, though, Liam came out of his shell, and we all formed a proper good group, and we all had each other's backs. After first year we decided to get a house together and we all chipped in to rent where we are now. It just worked, and we all pretty much became like a little family. Liam would cook every night and try his recipes out on us, Niall would provide the musical entertainment and we'd go to his gigs all the time, Zayn always made sure the house smelt of spray paint and we'd attend his exhibitions whenever they were on, and I'd just wind everyone up and they'd always come to my footie games. We always did those things together, and without Zayn they don't feel right. That's one of the reasons why at Zayn's memorial exhibition I got upset, and at my football match I looked up at the stands and he wasn't sat there cheering with the banner, and why I haven't been to Niall's gigs since. Everything is just so strange without him. Liam hates it. He hates that I can't do the same things I used to. He hates that I'm a different person now. Do you know anything about the day Zayn, you know?" He couldn't bring himself to say it, not yet. Harry shook his head, meaning Louis felt the need to continue. "Okay, well, it was a Wednesday and Zayn always had an early lecture that day. When I woke up that morning he had already left and I could hear Niall and Liam complaining at each other about something pointless, so I had a shower and went downstairs like normal. They were playfighting on the sofa, so I said good morning, grabbed a coffee, and went back upstairs. We actually had that physiology exam in the afternoon, so I wanted to get some last-minute revision in. Anyway, I was trying to concentrate on my textbook when Zayn came in and sat on the bed. I complained about hating exams and he hugged me, calling me Lou-Lou, which was a nickname he called me from when we were little, and he told me that he believed in me. It turned out that Liam had been making lunch, so we went downstairs to eat, and we talked about stuff, and it was all normal. After lunch we said goodbye to Zayn, leaving him at the house as I drove Niall and Liam to campus for the afternoon. It was raining when we drove back together and when we got home the lights were off and the door was locked, so we assumed Zayn had gone out. I had a shower, Niall watched TV and Liam called his parents. The three of us then had dinner together and everything was fine. I then stood up to get something from the fridge, and I noticed some colourful post-it notes stuck to the door. I read the one with my name on, and I started to panic. Liam and Niall read theirs too, and I realised something was wrong. I can remember running upstairs, the boys shouting behind me and following eventually. I was the first into the room, and I was the first to see Zayn," Louis explained, the tears threatening to spill. Harry looked saddened too, but he carefully used his thumb to wipe away Louis' falling tears.