Once in a Lifetime

Fourteen.

Once they arrived at Harry's place, he helped Louis through the door and made him sit on the sofa whilst he made a cup of tea for himself and a hot chocolate for Louis. As they sat on the sofa, Harry studied Louis properly. He was wearing a grey hoodie and a pair of grey sweatpants, and his hair was a complete mess, almost like it hadn't been brushed for days. He watched as Louis held the mug of steaming hot chocolate in his hands, noticing how the skin was peeling away and his knuckles were red raw. His cheeks were stained with tears, and the vibrant blue eyes that Harry had seen from a distance many times were now void of any colour.

Louis sat on Harry's sofa, gripping his drink like his life depended on it. All he could think about were Liam's words and the way he stormed into Louis' room that night. After almost a week of avoiding any physical interaction, Louis was getting quite used to sneaking around when the boys were at university or when they were in bed. Liam had barged in last Sunday and had shouted at Louis, but he took cover under his duvet until he had left. Niall had text him a couple times throughout the week, and even though Louis had replied the first time, he left the rest go unanswered. More than anything else, though, he had missed Harry. He had missed his comforting smile and soothing voice, he had missed his deep dimples and bouncy curls, he had missed having someone around who allowed him to be this new version of himself. On this night, though, he heard Niall leave for his gig as he was curled up in his bed, feeling his stomach clench and unclench repeatedly. He had barely eaten all week, after all. He stared at the picture of Zayn on the wall, wishing that he could change the course of history.

"Right, get the fuck up!" Liam yelled, storming into his room and stomping over to Louis. It had been almost two hours since Niall left, and Louis could smell the alcohol on Liam's breath as he stood over him. "I said get up!" he screamed, tearing the duvet off Louis' body and grabbing his arm. He pulled him off the bed, Louis doing little to protest. Liam dragged Louis by his arm, pushing him against the wall in the hallway outside Zayn's room. "Now listen here, you selfish prick. You need to realise that you're not the only one suffering. Zayn is fucking gone, and you need to get that into your thick little skull! He's gone, dead. He died in that very room!" he shouted, pointing towards the closed door behind him whilst he stared down at Louis. "He died and you found him. You! You were there, covered in his blood and all I could hear were your piercing screams as you held him! How the fuck do you think that made me feel? Niall was crying and panicking in the corner, and it was left to me to pick up the pieces. I was the one to phone the ambulance. I was the one to phone his parents. I was the one to get you both out of the room. Me! I had to deal with you before I could process what was even happening!" Louis shook violently under Liam's intense gaze, his finger repeatedly pointing into Louis' chest to get his point across. "You're not a fucking child, Louis, you need to grow up and accept that Zayn is gone, and you can't change that. He died. Zayn woke up that morning and decided to take his own life. He decided not to tell anyone he needed help. That shit was on him. You can't keep moping around, shutting yourself in your room, refusing to talk and avoiding your responsibilities. You're an adult, for fuck sake! If you're not careful you'll get kicked out of uni, there's already talk of you losing your place on the team! Is that what you want? Do you want to ruin your life, so you end up the way Zayn did? I've tried to help you, I've tried to give you space and let you deal with it in your own way, but I'm done. I'm done caring for you if you refuse to care for yourself. You're a fucking mess, Louis! Look at you! If Zayn were here, he'd be so ashamed of the person you've become!" Liam was so angry and full of rage that he was spitting as he shouted. Louis knew he was right. He knew that he was walking on a tightrope. He knew there was a fine line between grief and depression. He knew he was building up walls to keep everyone out. He knew Liam was trying to help, trying to get through to him and show him that they're all struggling, and Louis wasn't alone. But honestly, all Liam was doing was making him feel more guilty. Liam didn't know that Zayn had told Louis he was struggling, but Louis had failed to help. Louis had failed to help Liam and Niall, too. All he had done is fail. He was failing at being a university student. He was failing at being a friend. He was failing at being a football player. He was failing at being a son. He was failing at being a brother. He wasn't going to school. He wasn't talking to his friends or his family. He was ignoring everything in the hope it would go away. Louis lowered himself to the ground, whimpering as Liam sighed frustratedly.

"Li, I'm home, where are you?" Niall called as he came through the front door. Louis looked towards the top of the stairs as Liam hit his fist against the wall above Louis' head.

"I'm trying to get this absolute dick to see sense!" he shouted before Louis heard Niall's footsteps pound up the stairs.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked as soon as he saw the position the boys were in. He looked between Louis and Liam, eventually letting his gaze land on the drunk one. "Liam, maybe you should calm down and tell me why Louis is currently sitting on the landing whilst you reek of alcohol?"

"This fucking idiot needs to realise that Zayn is gone and that's it! I'm going to show him the room, make him see that this is the reality!" he explained, his voice quieter than before but still louder than Louis would have liked.

"How many times do we have to go over this? Louis knows Zayn is gone, we all do, that isn't the issue here! Why can't you see Louis needs our help to deal with the heartbreak instead of being forced to be reminded of the worst day of his life?" Niall retaliated, raising his voice to match Liam's tone.

"I'm going to get another drink, and then we're going to open that fucking door and Louis can see the mess Zayn left behind!" With that, Liam pushed past Niall and stomped down the stairs, and Louis watched as Niall quickly pulled out his phone.

"I need you to get here right now. It's Louis.Do you know the address?" Louis listened as Niall paced up and down thelanding, telling whoever was on the phone where they lived. He was crying andshaking as he slumped against the wall, Liam's voice still ringing in his head.When he heard Liam make his way up the stairs again, the fear of what was aboutto happen started to sink in. "Shit, I've got to go, just walk in when you gethere." Liam started to shout something, but Louis was too scared to payattention. His mind was stuck on that day two months ago when he had read thepost-it notes before scrambling up the stairs, flinging the door open to findZayn's lifeless body on the bed. His blood soaked into Louis' clothes, his coldskin under Louis' fingertips. He could remember his screams being the onlysound he could hear until the paramedics burst through the door. He couldvaguely remember being dragged away, watching as Zayn's body was covered with asheet and taken out of the house. He could remember Zayn's parents arriving,his dad crying as his mum screamed for the child she had suddenly lost. Hecould remember knowing it was all his fault. It wasn't until Harry was helpinghim stand up in the hallway that he realised how deep in thought he had allowedhimself to go. Harry. Within a second of acknowledging his presence, he kneweverything would be okay. He cried on Harry's shoulder as Liam screamed thatZayn was right to leave. And before he knew it, he was looking on as Harry wasstanding up for him, getting in Liam's face and making his point for Louis'sake. Once Harry had helped him to the car and had held his hand as he drove,Louis realised something. Harry wasn't nervous when he had raised his voice atLiam. He didn't mumble, he didn't stutter, and he didn't hesitate with hiswords. He was clear, concise and to the point. It made something strangeflutter in Louis' stomach as he realised that Harry really did care about him,and in that moment, he decided that he couldn't run away from Harry anymore.