all of his attention is on her no matter how he feels about her.
He don't want to like her
He don't want to want her
He don't want to love her.
But she wants all of him. Will he let her?
the only two problems to say she thinks he hates her, little...
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Giovanni-
I dragged my eyes to my empty bed, her familiar aroma lingers around my room still. Even after two weeks.
Inhaling deeply, my hand jotting down all my thoughts on the paper. Lies all lies every word I said to her, I can't even admit my feelings towards her. it's more like won't, the feeling of betrayal still fresh in my mind like it was yesterday.
'We need to put some distance between us' lies. I want nothing to be near her.
'No future.'Lies. I want nothing more than to wake up next to her.
'I can't love you." Lies.
I want nothing more than to be with her, touch, love her. I deeply want to blame someone. But I can't blame anyone but myself.
The thunder strike made my ears perked up, my sore throat and Ache to my body made it hard for me to focus. opening the bottom left draw I pulled out aspirin for the headache that hasn't left for the past week.
my phone began to ring making me decline my mother's call, tossing it on my bed.
"hai un po' di coraggio figliolo." my mother voice rang in my ear, I turn looking at her. her phone tight in her hand.
(you have some Courage son.)
I must be in trouble for her to speak to me in Italian. I moved my hand to the nape of my neck rubbing it slightly.
"Mama, what do I owe the visit. finally, come to visit your favored child." I say, ignoring the pain in my throat as I speak.
walking further in, her dark green shirt bringing out her long dark hair. she looks carefree, I enjoy it knowing she is better now than being left at home with an abusive husband.
"don't decline my calls anymore, figlio. I came to check up on you, the weather's been horrible and we know how you get around this time," she touched my forehead, pulling back her shakey hand feeling how hot I was.
"I'm fine mama, you don't need to," I tried to convince her, she rolled her eyes at my pathetic excuse to make her leave. I feel like shit.
"lying is a sin, now go shower and I'm going to make you some soup and tea," she tells me, walking towards my door. I go to argue with her but, I dint have a death wish tonight.
I showered as I was told, as I laid in bed looking at my wall screen, pathetic. I hate myself I've given her so much false hope. every time I bring her close and allow her in, the betrayal from my past creeps up on me. making me push her away.
I hate everything about me.
I hate I won't allow myself to love her.
I hate I acted like it didn't bother me when I left her, but inside it's destroying me. I want to go to her, but I don't want to break her more than she already is. by giving her more false hope.
there's so much anger in me one day it will swallow me up and down me, till I can't breathe, till im nothing.
"Giovanni, what lingering in this head of yours," I didn't even hear my mother come back in. she placed the soup with the tea on the side table, sitting on the bed.
"I fucked up mama," I admit, slumping my shoulders. she placed her hand in mine. "go on,"
I tell her, I tell her what eating me up inside, the lies I keep repeating but never mean. she shakes her head placing her smooth fingers on my face.
"you need to move on." she tells me, I already have. "don't tell me you have, because you haven't your hurting,"
"your trust has been broken one too many time, by your father and Hanna." my mother sighs before speaking again. " once you been hurt you're scared to get attached again, your scared shes gonna break your heart,"
im scared im gonna break hers, and seeing her hurt is more painful than anything. it will hurt twice as more knowing I was the coast for it.
"you're an idiot, you are the smartness person in the room but you are also an idiot," she crinkling her nose.
"I know," I rolled my eyes stretching my hand out to grab the tea. the smoothing liquid helping my sore throat.
"why don't you go to her?" she asked, more like why am I'm acting like a complete idiot. I don't fucking know.
"I told her we need distance," I can't even recognize my voice right now. she creased my cheek.
" Distance means nothing when someone means everything, you know how you feel about her. it's time for you to stop lying to her and yourself." my mother pleaded, smoothing out her skirt.
I take in her words letting them float around my head, she excuses herself not before murmuring something in Italian.
I grabbed my journal once again filling the page up over again with the only thing on my mind.
my smooth handwriting turning angry filling up every line pressing so hard on the paper her name indented on the other said of the paper. my wet tears dripping onto the paper smudging her name, rage, and anger, sadness filling my body all at once.
I'm fucking tired of everything.
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Hey babes, I'm literally so sick wtf. Anyways, 14 more chapters I'm actually crying.
