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Chapter 20 : Body Manipulation
Friday 6th January 2021
body manipulation
/məˌnɪpjʊˈleɪʃ(ə)n/
noun
the action of manipulating the shape of one's body in a skilful manner.
"the person manipulated their body to change the shape"
Eaten breakfast : CHECK
Written in my food diary : CHECK
Gone to therapy :
I tick off my Friday morning tasks one by one. Next off the list : Therapy. My last session before school.
Oh no.
I'm not ready for that.
People will talk. Constantly. Will they judge me?
I start to imagine situations in my head about the events that could go down today. And almost none of them are good. My fear kicks into overdrive and I start to hyperventilate. I clutch onto my knees and swing back and forth as I start to breath fast shallow breaths. My eyes are squeezing shut, trying to not concentrate on the negative whispers from the back of my mind.
Come on Allie, be strong. Who cares if everyone will now know you as the 'anorexic' girl? Cause you don't care. You definitely don't. Nope. Nuh uh.
"Allie" the gentle knocking on my door awakens me. My mum pokes her head in, "you ready to go"
"No..."
At my reply, she scoops me up into a hug and practically crushes me with affection, "Don't worry Allie, you don't have to go"
I contemplate my choices, wondering which one will cause the least amount of pain, "no mum...I have to do this...for myself. Just wait a sec then I'll be downstairs," i peck her lips and collect myself in front of the mirror.
It's swarmed in sticky notes that me, my friends and family put on. Dr Mosse says that every time I look in the mirror, I need to repeat 3 quotes. Something about improving my mental health, but so far it's actually worked. Apparently the longer you say these words the more you start to believe them...even if you feel completely stupid....
I peel off a random few from the top and I immediately recognise Levi's scruffy boy handwriting :
"You are beautiful, inside and out."
"No matter what anyone says, you are perfect the way you are."
"Never feel judged, people are only looking at you because you're so beautiful."
Oh.
Wow.
For the first time in ages, I actually believe the words that are coming out of my mouth.
And I think he really meant it too.
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Walking through these baby blue walls for the first time was difficult. Intimidating even. It was like I was admitting defeat. I felt that I had something wrong with me, that I was peculiar. Odd. That I was unlike any other teenage girl or boy.
Now, these familiar hallways give me a sense of calm - like sinking into a warm candlelit bath. The thought of coming to the clinic can be stressful but on the other hand, once I'm here it's just...I can be myself without anyone judging me. The weird sense of comfort that every single other person in this room is as messed up as me.
I perch on the waiting room chairs like always and wait until my name is called. When it's my turn to go in, I don't rush. It's like when I'm in this building, all my troubles dissipate and I'm left free.
No deadlines.
No meetings.
No nothing.
Dr Mosse's office is a warm dark forest green - deep and rich like leaves on a tree. Plants adorn the walls and shelving, making it seem almost jungle like. His name is written on the desk, a picture of his husband to the left and a well organised station behind it.
As per usual, I walk over to the window and lie down on the reclining chair.
"Hello Allie," the soothing sound of Richard's voice is warming to the ears.
"Hi Richard," I can feel his smile from underneath my eyelids.
"Well let's get started."
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"Tell me again, why do you feel pressured to look a certain way?"
"I guess it's just the little things; when I go on social media, watching films, even if I'm just with my friends I'm constantly judging and comparing myself."
"And when was the last time you ate?" Dr Mosse adjusts his grandad glasses and looks at me from over the top. I pick up my bag and search through it, trying to find my journal that he gave me. Finally I find it, flicking through the pages to find today's meals.
"Around 3 hours ago - it's written in my food diary." I point to where it says 'half a slice of toast'.
"Ah yes! 8:07 - breakfast. Very good Allie. It's been what, around 2 months since you've been admitted, this is excellent progress!" This makes me smile. I'm good at this - yes it's a weird thing to be good at but...it means I'm actually improving?!
"And will you be attending school on Monday?"
"Do I have to?" I groan.
"Well to be fair, it is up to you - however I would definitely recommend it. It's proven that by having a familiar schedule - such as going back to school with everyone else, normalises your daily life and gets you back into a routine. Also, I would definitely get involved in some kind of extracurricular activities just to keep your mind busy"
I take this into consideration, "okay...i'll go." He smiles warmly at my answer so I run up and give him a big hug.
"Thanks Dr Mosse, you've honestly saved my life." I whisper as he hugs me back.
Suddenly the timer buzzes and it's the end of the session, "Aw it looks like our time is up, I'll see you next Wednesday though and you can tell me all about school. And remember your mum has my number, so call me at any time if you need help"
"I will!" I say as I swing open the door.
Finally...
...I'm getting better...
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"Okayyy, so you are on...around 56kg. Those pills really worked didn't they?"
I step off the scales in my bathroom, "Yup. And never let me use them again."
My mum smiles sadly, she keeps on mentioning how she thinks it must be her fault that I turned to drugs - 'I once tried weed in my twenties' is her evidence behind the reason why I got addicted.
"It's completely stupid that you keep on blaming yourself mum! I'm the one who made that decision, not you, not dad, not anyone but me!"
"But i once-"
"Tried weed in your twenties, yes mum I know. But your not-so reckless behaviour as a youth has absolutely nothing to do with me becoming a druggie."
She collects herself and carries on being overly affectionate and loving, "I'm just worried that this whole withdrawal method won't work...what if you get hold of them again!"
I think back to the times when I'd be taking them almost hourly. They made me lose so much weight so quickly...but they're bad. I know that now.
"I won't mum. I promise."
And I mean it.
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