If Someday Never Comes

Chapter 46

Sydney's POV

I paced the floor of my kitchen for nearly an hour. I had woken up in what I thought was a dream until I opened my eyes and remembered I was in Brooks's bed with his warmth all around me.

 I thought I was suffocating. It was as if I had fallen under some kind of spell when his words drifted into my ears the night before, his vulnerability and emotions struck something so deep within me that I couldn't walk away. He looked at me with those hazel eyes and I was so consumed with everything I saw in them and everything I felt that the pleasure we shared was unlike anything I had ever felt. My mind hadn't been that quiet in years, I lost myself in him and when reality struck me awake I was fucking terrified. I snuck out of his apartment so fast I was barely dressed by the time I climbed into my car and sped off. 

I didn't regret it, I made the decision to give us that moment and it felt like everything that had been missing from my life all these years had finally fallen back into place but it was Brooks, the one who I had been trying to let go so I could move on, not fall back into his orbit. 

It had been a slippery slope with us and I knew that but this...this was something more, bigger than I had ever felt back then. It was like everything I ever dreamed of having was right within my reach, that someday I could have it all and I could have it all with the one I dreamt it up with. 

I have almost worn a hole in my tile, moving back and forth in the same line. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." I whispered to myself as I pressed my hand to my forehead and squeezed my eyes shut. Maybe I was ill, an extremely high fever would explain my complete lack of impulse control, wouldn't it? 

I pressed my hand into my sweaty head, nope, no fever just straight-up delusion. 

Maybe, through all my years of cheerleading, I have had multiple undiagnosed concussions and my decision-making skills have been permanently altered. At that thought I rolled my eyes at myself, avoiding taking responsibility for my actions may actually be my superpower.

My legs began to tremble from the constant movement and the adrenaline finally coming down.  So I sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. The room was still, the disarray of the boxes and the lack of furniture felt like a mirror of my life, a little bit of a mess, somewhat empty but full of potential. 

I could see The Graveyard, this house, my future but it was the matters of the heart and Brooks Dawson's damn hazel eyes and warm gooey confession that had to turn me into putty in his hands, God, those hands the way they...Stop. That's not the point Sydney my mind reminded me as my body ached for me to run back to his bed and pretend like I never left. 

Now, I was the one giving myself whiplash. 

As the tyrant in my mind continued to spiral and the traitor in my chest began to pound more steadily, the overwhelm of it all came crashing down. 

I thought this was the right move to come back here for my mom, but now it feels like I stepped into a landmine and blew up my life. I looked around the space of my small two-bedroom house and the excitement I had once felt about moving here was going up in flames by the second. Coming back here was a mistake, working with Brooks, was a big mistake, and sleeping with him, was an even bigger fuck up. 

God, I was freaking out. He is engaged, and as much as I dislike Courtney she did not deserve to be betrayed like that. I was the other woman and that shame felt like a knife to my gut because no matter how magically what happened between Brooks and I felt, I wasn't the woman he promised a life to. 

The tears began to fall, the sobs wracked through my body, and the emptiness felt excruciating. What if he pretended like nothing had happened, what if he regretted it when he woke up and realized what we did...what if he still chooses her, and do I even want to give him the option to choose me?