If Someday Never Comes

Chapter 48

Sydney's POV

After I got off the phone with Quinn I couldn't even think about sleep so I distracted myself with a run, okay, more like an intense speed walk around the block a few times and then decided to head to work. 

My hands were piled full as I scampered across the pavement, the wet chill in the air surrounded me and the cloudiness of the sky matched the gloominess of my mood. I was making the right decision, wasn't I? I couldn't deny that it didn't hurt, I couldn't deny that I wanted Brooks to want more and prove to me I wasn't alone in this because denying my feelings for all this time didn't get me anywhere, it has just kept me here in the same place. But I also knew that he was in no place to be making any decisions, he was engaged and obviously still carrying around a lot of untouched grief that I couldn't be responsible for, I had taken that hit once before. 

I laid my bags and books down on the lone table that stood in the middle of the construction. 

The trim had been finished and they were building the bookshelf wall this week, while the light fixtures were hung and cabinets were installed. As heavy as my heart felt I couldn't help but smile as I looked around the space. I loved it here. I loved what were creating and I worried that what happened between Brooks and me last night would change all the progress we had made. I knew he would never sabotage The Graveyard but the fear of working next to him after everything was something I was unsure I could take. I hated that I had allowed this to become so complicated, so messy, and uncertain. Responsible Sydney had left the fucking building for a few hours and everything had gone to hell.  

I take a look at my to-do list for the day and try to decide on what comes first. I need to do some final touch-ups on the paint in the bathroom, where the guys had left some scuffs, make the inventory list, and begin to shift through the applications that have already been dropped off after I put out an ad on socials and in the local newspaper because as much as Westville had progressed, we were still a little podunk town in the middle of Cornfield, USA. I had decided to get the painting out of the way when I heard the door open and shut behind me. 

I knew who it was before I even turned around. I could smell him, feel his presence and I closed my eyes to take a breath before I faced what we both had to say.  

He looked wrecked and it made my heart ache. His brown hair was disheveled, his shirt all crumpled, and his broad shoulders slumped forward while his eyes looked heavy with exhaustion. 

He walked toward me slowly and as he reached for me I put my hand up to stop him with a soft look on my face. "I tried to call you when I woke up and realized you had left," he whispered softly. 

"I turned my phone off. I needed time to think." I shifted my eyes away and pushed my hand through my hair, quickly trying to prepare myself for what I needed to say next. 

"I get that, but we need to talk." he straightened a little, a look of fear heavy in his eyes, I wanted to touch him, comfort him, kiss him... and before I got carried away, I decided it was time to lay it all out there before I lost my nerve or did something stupid like touch him, comfort him or freaking kiss that sad look off his face. 

So I began, "You're right but I also needed time to process everything that happened because when I'm around you I can't always think straight." His face looked surprised by my honesty and hopeful as his hand landed on my hip. I enjoyed his touch through the denim of my jeans for a moment too long when my gaze caught in his, as he tried to speak again, "I talked to Courtney,"

I jerk back, "Why? About what? Did you tell her what happened?" I pull away from him, "God, she must really fucking hate me, I hate myself, is she going to burn my this place to the ground?" the pressure weighs heavy on my chest as I panic, "I'm so fucking sorry Brooks, I truly never meant for this to happen but honestly I don't know why I feel guilty? You're engaged, not me..."I begin to pace, "Granted I'm a grown-ass woman I know better," my hands are running through my hair again, "I feel sick." 

Completely lose my train of thought and the conversation I had with Quinn as Brooks moves to stop me, I see the pain in his eyes, and I feel the fear trembling through his hands, "Syd...I have to..." 

The closeness of his body, the warmth of his touch, sends me over the edge, the confusion finally has me on the brink of drowning. 

"Have to what Brooks?" I cut him off, "Just say it, tell me it's her, tell me you are engaged and that last night was a mistake," the first tear slips as I choke out the words, "Tell me that I mean nothing to you, that it was some stupid closure." I pound my hands against his chest as he pulls me into him. 

His forehead comes down to meet mine and the intensity of the moment surrounds us both, I had felt so sure that I couldn't do this but now he's here and all I want is to lose myself in him. 

"I love you..." he whispers against my skin before he presses a soft kiss to my damp cheek but I pull away and gasp for air. "Syd...please know that." 

"No," I point at him, "No you don't, don't say that to me, Brooks, don't fuck with my head like I'm some heart-eyed little girl that you can mess with and then disappear on. I'm not her anymore!" I shout. "You're engaged, you asked Courtney to marry you for Christ's sake!" 

"I know this is all a mess but if you give me some time, if you just let me figure it out..." his voice gets softer, I've never heard him so meek, "Did you end it?" I ask out of nowhere, my thoughts firing faster than the words can form?" 

"I tried...but I have to..." 

The words ring in my ears, the buts, the what ifs, the somedays, all of it, there was always something to wait on or figure out but I knew I was finding my footing again, I knew I couldn't go down this road. "No. No buts, no I have to's, no someday this or someday that Brooks. You don't get to sleep with me, tell me you love them, and then say you TRIED!" 

I saw the tear slide down his cheek before he wiped it away and it killed me, all of this hurt so much, like pouring salt into a wound that never had the chance to heal. I clutched at my chest as the tears came faster, "I'm making decisions for me this time. I'm done living my life waiting on you to fulfill some empty promise, I have accepted that a part of me will always love you Brooks but this, you and I, it's not good for me." I cry, "I have spent so much time wanting you to fight for me, to choose me and you never have. You have always run when things get tough and so now, as much as I don't regret last night, I have to stop wishing for you to be someone you are not." 

I see Adam's apple bobble hard in his throat and his cheeks flush but he doesn't respond right away until his head drops and his hand moves to wipe away more tears before looking at me with his eyes rimmed in red, "I'm not giving up on us." 

My heart nearly cracked open at his response, I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything at all. I stood there in front of him holding onto myself as tears fell silently down my face. 

"I know I fucked up and I know that this is a mess, but I'm not giving up on us Syd." he presses his hands into his pockets, "It's you...it's always been you..."

I pull my eyes away, unable to look at him any longer. "I'm going to prove it to you, I just need some time." I look back to see him walking out the door. I clench my lips together to keep myself from calling out his name when he turns around slowly and meets my eyes. "I... I'm sorry Syd." 

"Me too." with my heart thudding in my chest I watch him walk out the door. 

AN: Things are getting messy in a hurry! What do you think Brooks is going to do??? 

Should he have told Syd about the baby?? What do we think? Tell me all the things, as long as they are nice and if they aren't well then, keep those to yourself. lol