If Someday Never Comes

Chapter 47

Brooks's POV

Ever since I woke up this morning it's as if a fog has lifted around me. It's like I can see the choices I've made, the path I had chosen, the pain it stemmed from...it wasn't as if I didn't know, the why or the reasoning but it was as if I finally figured out that it wasn't the only way. 

Choosing to live a simple life or push Sydney away wasn't going to bring my Dad back, it wasn't going to make it any easier to bury the regret I had run from for so long. It didn't ease the guilt or the shame, it only left me numb. 

Everything around me began to snap into focus and I realized how hard I had been trying to control everything around me because I thought that was what I deserved, to pay a debt to someone who wasn't asking me to pay. I allowed the guilt to embed itself so deeply into my heart that I thought I didn't deserve to be happy, to have the things that brought me back to life. 

But Sydney...the minute she came back reminded me of all the things I had allowed myself to forget. 

What it meant to dream, imagine, and hope for a life that was bigger than I had ever lived. She reminded me that I was more than a company, a penance, or somebody's personal bank. She didn't have to say the words, she only had to allow me one taste and it was as if it all came rushing back.

 I felt dizzy at the emotions, I felt unsure of what to do, and even though I knew work had helped ease the heaviness I carried and that my relationship with Courtney was like the bandaid that held it all together. I knew the relationship we had only survived on the surface and she enjoyed it that way, I knew the love there wasn't real but was an easy way to numb the pain.

 I had to talk to her before I went and found Sydney before I could explain to her the way that I felt. 

 I knew it was time I figured out how to start living my life and she didn't deserve to get tangled up further in all of my mess.  It hurt to feel the emptiness of her absence from the past and currently in the present but I couldn't blame her, I've never lived up to any of the promises I ever made. So I understood why she left, five years ago and today. She never believed I saw myself creating a life with her someday because over and over again, I chose to run instead of fighting for her but I see it now and last night showed me that letting her wasn't the answer.

The last handful of months ran rapidly through my mind the passion and excitement, the frustration and the chaos...at first, I wanted to deny it, I wanted to force her to go away, but I knew it was because I was scared, I knew deep down I could never stay away. 

I hated that I had wasted so much time and all of these years with her felt like an arrow in my gut but I knew what I had to do.

 I was determined that someday I was going to be able to look at my life and enjoy it, I was going to be in love with the person I chose to spend my life with and someday I would convince Sydney to give me another chance. I'm hoping that day was going to be today. 

 I closed down my computer and stood to my feet, grabbed my phone, and dialed, "Hey, can you come over?... Yeah, right now, we need to talk."

I paced the floor of my living room and nearly poured myself a drink to ease my nerves about how this conversation would go when about 15 minutes later I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. My heart began to race as I clenched my fists at my sides. I watched the doorknob turn and her long tan legs saunter in, she looked annoyed and rightfully so I pulled her out of work in the middle of the day without any explanation other than that I wanted to talk. 

She looked at me expectantly as if I should start talking before we even say hello, and that's the way our relationship has always been, straight to the point, with no time for small talk and no time for big emotions. "Hey Court, how has your day going?"