Worthless Confession?!

I hate my family!

Of course I talked with Hitoshi a lot more and at the end of the day, I was left in the classroom together with him. I was always the last one to get out and Hitoshi was normally always waiting for me. Today was no difference. We usually would go out and walk home together since we shared a part of the way together but today I didn't feel like it.

For some reason I really thought that if I would stay with him, I would definitelly make him hate me. I didn't wanted that since he was the only person that somewhat still wants to talk to me. Even if this wasn't much it was helping me to be distracted but afterwards the cold emptiness was getting worse and worse.

Hitoshi: So what you gonna do today?

Me: Go get a present for my little brother.

Hitoshi: Want me to join you?

Me: Ah no. I know what I will get him.

I simply will gift him nothing.

Not as if he wants something or wants to see me.

I am pretty sure I will get a beating if I get there...

Another week where ama be all alone.

*sigh* 

There was a reason why I hated to get to my family gathering. The thing about these gathering was that my mother kinda accepted me being a lose but her partner hated me and then his son, my brother as small as he is, he would always get me in soo much trouble that I didn't know what to do. I hated it. I hated going there just to get screamed at and also beaten at times. I clearly remember the last time I went there and it was horrible.

I got into trouble because my brother kinda ran into me and I didn't see him running around so we bumped into each other, I stumbled back and broke something while hitting the damn table and knocking everything down. It was just that I had bad luck. My brother also got a bit hurt because he had some bruises and then everyone started screaming at me and my mother slapped me. Then again I was not really intelligent because I was talking back and at the end of the day I had a bleeding lip because of how hard she hit me and also bruises as well as cuts cause I broke something.

After that it was all clear to me.

I was not welcomed.

Before that I really wanted to be accepted. I wanted to feel loved and I was doing all I could to do to please my mother. I remember doing all chores and then also do the cooking and got a saturday and sunday job for my age. It was just distributing flyers but it still counted and from that I bought stuff for our home and all....

But after years of trying, there was never once she hit me but that day she did and it opened up my eyes.

That's when I knew it.

I was not wanted. In fact she wanted to get rid of me that was why she was barely going back home and even then there was somtimes that remark she was dropping: "Still not dead yet." Of course I could hear it and of course it hurt me. I am not even sure if she knew how much it hurt me. It was a painful and I felt it in my chest. My heart dropped each time I heard it and I would be soo close on tearing up.

But that were the old times...

I gave up on it.

I gave up on my family.

I gave up on my feelings.

I gave up on myself in the end.

However it was making things soo much better since I couldn't get hurt this way... but then why?! WHY!!! WHY was I feeling this hurt, this sad, this pressure?! I don't understand it!

Hitoshi: Alright, see ya tomorrow then.

Me: Mh!

With that we both partet and instead of going home, I decided to walk towards the sea. There was something about it that it was actually calling to me. Maybe it was because it felt calming but at the same time I felt the urge to go inside and just be surrounded by water. However in the end if I wanted to commit, I wanted people to find me. I didn't care if my mother would cry or not, I just wanted people to see that I was there! I existed at one point and being in the ocean would make that difficult.