Worthless Confession?!

The end?

I really hated myself right now. Nothing was making it easy at all. My brain was keep asking questions where I didn't had any answers to them. What was I supposed to do? Lie to myself to actually feel better? This wouldn't work at all. I knew it was a lie. So why should I even do it? A lie only works if the other doesn't know it was a lie.

That feeling started come to back at me. It was nagging at me and it felt worse. As hard as it was to describe I would say it was like a bottombless pit. It was getting harder and stronger to stop it from spreading. Everything was just drowining inside of it and I felt soo overwhelmed in one minuete to another that I started crying.

I was at first just sobbing quietly and not realizing it with all the questions my mind started to come up with but right now... I was actually feeling it. Guilt, Regret, Sadness, anxiety, anger, ... it was just a whirlpool of emotions which was getting a bit more out of hand. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel anymore. 

Me: I hate this!

With that, I stoood up from where I was laying on the sofa and immediately went to the bathroom to look into the med cabinet and check if there was anything I could use to stop feeling this way. No that was not the reasons....

The truth was...

I was tired.

I was sick of it.

I didn't wanted to live with the shame.

I didn't wanted anyone to know what happened!

I didn't wanted anyone to know what is going on!

I just wanted to be left alone.

But with Eraserhead knowing the truth, there was no way, I could run away. So I decided to do this spontainously. There was no special real reasons. I mean it was kinda everything. Have a pick! There were soo many different reasons and I could name you quite a lot and make a list as well. Did it really metter tho? Was it important why I wanted this? Was it not enough that I couldn't stand the thought, the feeling and everything anymore? This feeling was eating me up! I've been living with it for quite a while now and it was getting worse and worse! I can't stand it anymore.

Me: I know we have a lot...

I started looking for the meds since I knew there were soo many of them. 

Come on!

Where is it?

This one?

No this is just some antibiotica.

Then what about this?

Nope... this one is for an upset stomach...

And that one is for a headache...

This one is for having a cold...

This one is for something else as well...

Come on!

Come on!

Please!

There wasn't much as I had to painfully find out. I really thought there should be some sleeping pills. I normally sometimes had some laying around since I had some problems sleeping. Sometimes but it was just a rare occasion, I would dream about something. It was not any dream but a lucid dream and I was running away from something each and every time. I didn't know the place, I didn't know the people or the creature but there was something that was chasing me and it was a camp side... then there was this one laboratory building in the forest as I was running away... I go in and find out that there were people but they somewhat were not because in the end I curse that they were just ghosts a remecent of the past and kinda fall off the rooftop.

I don't know why this dream was a repeating one. It was there and I couldn't get rid of it at all.

Me: Fuck!

Apparently I had run out of sleeping aids, so the next thing I did was go straight to the kitchen and look for some things. I knew it would hurt but it would be certainly better than anything else... well I could also stab myself but that was not something I wanted.

Me: Alright... I should have something around here...

If anyone thought I was taking bleach or sopte... nah.

I chose to take out some raw almonds, the bitter kind. Recently I found out that they had a small amount of hydrogen cyanide and if I ate around 10 it would be fatel... well deadly. The next thing I also had laying around was some nutmeg. It was in the same article that said hallucinogenic and too much could lead to seizure. I thought that this would be quite enough since I kinda had both things and a bit more. I mean I used to make some cakes and had all kind of things at home for that. Tho I stopped and now I had these things around. 

One take... and then I went back to the sofa laying down and hoping for everything to be over....