A Plus In Love

*SEVEN HOURS THIRTY SIX MINUTES*

I didn’t look at him. He put my bag in the trunk of his car  while I got in. I stared straight out the windshield feeling so much that my brain went static. I didn’t even realize we had been moving until my phone rang and I jumped out of my skin. My father was calling to let me know that test results were starting to come in and the worst case scenario was what we were looking at. Even unconscious as he was, his body was agitated and moving, except for his right side. His entire right side.  I managed to keep it together until I got off the phone. 

As soon as I hung up, the hard ball in my throat was much too bare. A horrible choking sound ripped out of me and I cried. My face hurt from the way it twisted with the grief washing over me. The pressure behind my eyes felt like it might pop them out of socket.  Giles' big warm hard slowly circled the middle of my back while I cried the most God-awful tears of my life. 

“I’m sorry, Giles. I know that I didn’t handle this…well” He pulled the car over and put it in park. I crawled into his lap without invitation like I was eighteen again.  He smelled the same. Like a safe place, like home.  He softly shh’ed me until I had settled down into a quite breath. 

“I never imagined that I would reunite with you like this, so it could have gone worse.”  We sat silently for a long while before another phone call came in and we got back on the road. I  was fielding questions from family and friends as my father apparently directed them to me rather than deal with them himself. I couldn’t be upset with that, I had no idea what was happening at home, or how my Mother was holding up. When I asked to speak to her, he just said that she was not available, like I was some telemarketer calling at dinner. “Hey, I think we need to stop for just a little bit.” 

Giles reached over and pried my fingers away from the seat belt. They ached from the tension. I hadn’t realized I had been clamping down like a vice. Just a few miles later a roadside diner came into view. Unfolding myself from the car felt more like busting up concrete. All my joints cracked and my body hurt. But I already knew that grief was physical too. I’d been bracing for impact ever since the first phone call, what impact, I didn’t know. I let Giles order for me because everything looked tasteless. The burn of the soda down my throat was a welcome reality bite. 

“We are a little over half way home.” He was looking at his phone, but jerked his head up at the nose that knocked in my chest. “What?” 

“Home is a relative term, Giles. I haven’t had a home since..” I bite into my lip. The last thing I wanted was to start our shit again.  His frustration was hot on my face with a deep sigh. 

“Since what, Lily? You left me?” I closed my eyes. “ I didn’t want to get into this, not right now with your brother and everything, but you had to know it was going to be discussed.” He moved, I could feel him closer, his voice was lower “I was fucking in love with you, you were my world. I wanted you with me, always.”  The venom in his voice struck me. 

“Oh really? What about the child we lost Giles? Were they so easy to forget? Sure seemed like I was the only one having a hard time with that! You applied to college while I was in in-patient treatment! What were you going to do if I didn’t get out in time to go with you?” The anger I felt  then hadn’t cooled with time.” Somehow I don’t think that would have stopped you. The high school girlfriend locked away in the coo coo house seems like a great way to get laid.” The waitress rounded the corner with our food and we both thanked her. 

“That is a fucked up  to say,Lily. I did everything I could. I gave you everything.”    We both smirked at each other but resigned to eat a few moments. It was obvious all the old feelings were still there and this trip was going to be about more than just getting me back to my brother. The Quiet between set heavy like a stone.