I arrived at the clinic just in time for my weekly appointment with Dr. Jacobs. After registering with the receptionist, I sat down on one of the couches to wait. Minutes later, Dr. Jacobs opened the door to her office and, with a friendly smile, invited me in. I sat down in one of the large chairs and the doctor sat down in front of me.
I had been going to therapy for about three months now. At first I refused, trying to deal with my pain myself. But I eventually realized that I couldn't deal with it alone. As in all the sessions, she asked me about everything in general: how my week was going, how was work, family... And then came the hardest moment for me: talking about him, and the emptiness he had left in me.
"Today we're going to try something different, if you agree." She said softly. "I want you to close your eyes and imagine that Brian is here. That he's right in front of you. I want you to tell him everything; from the day he left until today. And then, I want you to say what you think your future together would have been like. Do you think you can?" I nodded. "Great. Whenever you want."
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Little by little, I started to envision him in my mind. His dark blond hair, his eyes the color of the sky, his beautiful smile and that soft, calm voice. My breath hitched and I felt tears escaping my eyes. "Breathe, it's all right. Breathe." I heard the doctor's distant voice.
I put my hand on my chest and took a few deep breaths. "Brian, I...I don't know what to tell you. But I guess I should tell you that I love you. I love you with all my soul. I always used to tell you, but I still feel like I should have told you more. A lot more." I swallowed hard. "I remember the day of your accident well. It will stay stuck in my memory forever. It's been almost a year now. Since that moment, I have never been the same. You have left a huge void in me. It was so sudden...you were taken away from me without you or I being able to do anything to stop it."
"I try to move on, I try to live. But I can't. I'm alive, but I'm not living. Before I would have thought both things were the same, but they're not, I know that now. To be alive is to breathe, to sleep, to have your heart pumping blood. But to live is to enjoy, to smile, to laugh. There's a big difference between being alive and living. And for me, you are that difference, Brian." A few tears began to slide down my face. "I miss you so much..." I fell silent for a second and wiped my tears away with the Kleenex the doctor was holding out to me.
"Still, I'm getting better little by little. The job helps distract me. I finally got that promotion I've been wanting for a long time. They put me in charge of an exhibition. Can you believe it? Me, in charge of an exhibition." I laughed softly. "You should have been there to see it..."
"Sometimes...sometimes I imagine what would have happened if I had still been here. A few weeks ago, Kevin confessed to me that shortly before you left, you had told him that you were planning to propose to me. That you had already bought the ring. I looked for it, and found it hidden in one of your dresser drawers. It is beautiful. You always had good taste in these things. But I don't think I'd be able to wear it. I couldn't stand people asking me about it. At least, not for the moment."
I swallowed again. "We would have gotten married on that farm in your hometown that we loved so much, with our families and friends in front of us. And a little later, who knows, maybe we would have had some kids. I remember the time we got to talking about it. You said you wanted to have at least one girl. And I said that, if I had to choose, I would prefer a boy. A boy who had your eyes, your hair... your smile. That way, every time I looked at him, it would be like looking at you. We should have done it. We should have had a baby together. Then I'd still have a part of you with me."
At that point, tears were flowing uncontrollably down my cheeks and my voice was shaking. "I miss you. I know you would have wanted me to move on with my life, and I will. Someday. But I can't promise to fall in love again. You are the love of my life. Thank you. Thank you for giving me the chance to love you. Thank you." I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. The doctor gently dried her eyes with a tissue.
A while later, we concluded the therapy session. I said goodbye, got into my car and drove home. When I arrived, everything was dark and absolute silence reigned. This was how I had been coming home for almost a year. I made a quick dinner and sat down on the couch to watch TV, not paying much attention to it. Finally, around midnight, I went to bed.
After changing my clothes and brushing my teeth, I slid under the bed covers and turned off the light. I rested my hand on the now empty right side of the bed. I don't think I could allow anyone else to lie on that side of that bed. Much less a man. I closed my eyes, and then it happened. I don't quite know how to explain it, but there were days when I felt a presence next to me. As if I wasn't alone.
My nose immediately detected that scent I knew so well. His scent. It seemed to me that something surrounded my waist, and that it stayed there, comforting me. Finally, my ears seemed to hear a distant murmur, with that unmistakable voice, whispering words full of affection. The first few times, I had been startled and had turned on the lights, somewhat frightened. But that day I just closed my eyes as they filled with tears again. I fell asleep in the hope that he wasn't completely gone after all.
