Fall Again (a Michael Jackson fanfiction)

1. Breakdown

Michaels POV 🥀

I was dizzy, and I could feel my heart beating, making me feel nauseous. I knew something bad was going to happen, this panic attack felt much worse than the others I had suffered before.

I tried to ignore it, but I was slowly getting more and more dissociated, nothing felt real. My hands were shaking and I just wanted to go to sleep, and never wake up.

I remembered my father's cruel words, ugly, worthless, pathetic ...
I'd been thinking of ending it for a while now, crying every night into my pillow, unable to sleep.

I think I was crying now, hot tears dropping off my face. I put my hand up to my face and felt the dampness on my hot cheeks, but they didn't stop coming. Within minutes I was full out sobbing, almost howling. My hair fell into my face and I had no energy to push it back, all I could do was cry, sitting on the floor with my arms around my skinny trembling frame.

I needed someone to hold me but I had no one, no one who truly understood. I sniffled and wiped my nose - and then I decided, tonight would be the night. My insomnia stopped me from sleeping, and even if I could sleep I knew I'd get nightmares.

I got up shakily on aching, weak legs. I walked through my house to the pill cabinet. It felt like something was possessing me, controlling my every movement as I opened the cabinet door.

But I knew exactly what I was doing. It would be over soon, and that thought relaxed me. The tears had stopped and finally I was calm. I poured sleeping tablets into my hand, then took out any other pills I could find. There were a lot.

I had no one left, no one would miss me. Maybe not even my fans, they'd find someone else better than me to look up to and adore.

I got a glass of water and swallowed the first handful of small blue pills. They stuck in my throat, making me gag, but I forced myself to swallow. I forget how long it took me to finish off the pills, I remember retching a few times, disgusting pill-tasting saliva coating my tongue, but I managed to get them all down.

I was starting to feel weird already, I felt light and dizzy - and my stomach was churning. I prayed that I wouldn't sick them up.

To reduce the chance of that, I went and laid down on my bed, shutting my eyes so I didn't have to see the ceiling spinning. I felt myself floating, slowly losing conciousness.

I remember my last thought, wondering who will find me. I felt bad for a second, but then I was out. I'm not sure how long I was unconscious, but I think it was a long time. I felt a trundling of wheels beneath me, bumping me up and down. In my confused state I couldn't talk, just wished it would slow down so I'd stop feeling nauseous.

A wailing of sirens. Was I dead? Were they taking me to the morgue? I tried to wiggle my fingers, to claw myself back to reality. I tried to moan, was I dreaming? Had I died? Was I in heaven? Would I even go to heaven?

Those were my last thoughts, before once again, everything went black.