Fall Again (a Michael Jackson fanfiction)

36. Visiting James

Hopes POV 🥀

1996, Varson Clinic Hospital

It was 1996, Jamie's third admission, he'd been taken in again after running from the flat and being found hanging off a bridge over a nearby river.

This was the first time me and Juliette had visited him in a psychiatric hospital, and we were terrified. Her small hand was sweating in mine and we clung to each others hands.

I was biting the nails on my other hand, as mom lead us through the ward towards the family room, where James was waiting.

I was wondering what to say, would he be the same? Would he still be my Jamie, our Jamie? Juliette was clicking her tongue like she always did when she was afraid.

Was I dressed right? Would he think I hadn't tried? Would he think I'd tried too much? Stupid thoughts and worries ran through my head, including the scariest one, would he remember me?

But when the door swung open all my worries fell away - James was there, his hair overgrown and greasy over his forehead, his eyes sunken and his skin was pale.
But he was still my Jamie.

I ran to him, sort of collapsing into him. "Jammy... dodger... My jammy dodger!" He was stiff in my arms at first but then relaxed and over the smell of sweat I could smell his lovely biscuity scent that I loved so much.

His arms were around me, and I could hear Juliette sniffling and he held an arm out to her, and she joined us as all three of us clung to each other.

"I missed you..." I didn't know if he'd heard what I said, my mouth was muffled against his shoulder.
There was a brief silence and then he replied, "I missed you too, Hopey."

The edge of Juliette's glasses were digging into my chin, and her soft hair brushed against my chest.

I got a glimpse of mom watching the three of us, tears in her eyes, her hand over her mouth,  her shoulders shaking.
The nurse, Isaac, also looked close to tears as he watched the three of us clinging together.

"Don't do it again.." I said suddenly. I stood up straight, put my hands on Jamie's cheeks and looked straight into his dark eyes.

"Please, Jammy, don't do it again! You might not..." I felt hot tears burn the back of my eyes and blinked them away. "You might not survive next time."

He looked at me with sad puppy eyes. "I didn't want to...."
I glared at him. "Yes you do! You have us, mum and Juliette and me. You are so loved, James. Please don't leave us! If you had succeeded we would be DEVASTATED."

He didn't reply, just leant his head on my shoulder, burying his face into my neck. I felt his tears soak my skin and cotton shirt.

"It's okay." I felt bad for upsetting him, it was just so painful to think my big brother wanted to end his life. "I'm sorry.. it's okay..."