#visible

Self- Compassion

There are a lot of things I don't understand about anxiety, even the most respected Dr's who specialise in the condition don't have a definitive answer. These past few months I have been reflecting on what this condition is about, the science behind it and the most effective ways to combat it.

Anxiety is different for everyone, whether its a trigger that sends you into an episode, or a constant nervous feeling, there are no two people who are the same. This is mainly due to the fact that everyone is different. Cliché perhaps, but its true. Your upbringing, social interactions, right from when you were first born to your age now have altered the way your brain perceives things.

For anxiety this can be the recollection of an event that triggers your 'fight or flight mode' (a brain function that we have kept from the early days of man kind, where running from a lion or bear was the difference between life and death) that has imprinted on your mind, sometimes even to a subconscious level (Where you can no longer remember that first incident). There is something niggling at the back of your mind telling you that what you are about to do is a bad idea.

And sometimes, it is because your confidence has been shattered. More common now than ever before, the world, especially that of the impressionable young adult (Ages 11-19) revolves around looks, popularity and perception.

And the thought that if you don't meet the stupidly and disturbingly high bar that is set by the media that controls the bar, then there is just no point in anything at all.

I am incredibly self aware about my anxiety, I can tell you why I am feeling a certain way, what it does to me mentally and how it effects me physically. Its a hard position to be in, because surely if you know what is wrong, you can fix it. Right?

 I read a great book called 'Building Your Self Confidence by using Compassion focused Therapy' by Mary Welford - usually I am not one for self help books, I find them patronising and the point they eventually get across after several hundred pages to have stated the obvious- but this one was actually quite good, if not a mouthful.

A point that was made, early on into the book, that really resonated with me.

I know my family love me, that I have friends who like me- but I don't feel  it.

 In my case, I was bullied every day for 3 years. The constant, repetitive, negative comments directed at me chipped away at my self confidence until there was none left. My self confidence is shot. When people compliment me now, I think they have an ulterior motive, are doing it for their own gain, or to mock me. I can't accept it. Because for 3 years, every day, nearly every hour, I was told that no one would ever like me or love me. That I was ugly. That I was no-body. Weird. The meaning of these words drilled into me for so long that I believe they are real.

Even if I know they aren't. I feel they are.

I find it very hard to make friends, I don't like social situations, I find faults in everything I say and do.

In today's society, where popularity is based on looks and 'likes'- where aspirations are tied with self worth, its no wonder that anxiety and depression are becoming more common.  Its even harder separating our selves from that, not to be hypnotised by the culture of media- just switch off.   

 And I think that is exactly what you have to do.

The only way to be confident, is to be self confident. Looking at yourself, grounding yourself.

When was the last time you walked outside, without your phone, and just looked?

Do it. - after you finish this chapter, leave a comment and vote of course.

Go outside and use all 5 of your senses. Its called grounding, a technique Buddhist monks use when they meditate. focus on one thing with your eyes, the way the sun is hitting a small green leaf, turning it golden. Touch something, the soft blades of grass still wet with morning dew. Take a deep breath, in for 8, out for 4 throughout this experience. What can you smell? Zone your self out of the continuous stream of inner dialogue, what can you hear? And finally, what can you taste? The crisp freshness of the air, the minty tang of your toothpaste on your teeth? Or the maple syrup left on your tongue from breakfast?

Thoughts will come into your head, when they do, think about what it is about, and if important, take note then push them gently out of your mind.

Relax your mind, your heart rate, the inner monologue that drives you to distraction.

This can help in many, many situations. Finding it hard to sleep? ground yourself. Building up the confidence to step into that building? Ground yourself. Getting ready to join a conversation? Ground yourself.

Learn to love yourself again. Get the confidence to put yourself back into society, social scenarios, let your brain re learn how to think, how to process the world around you.

Be compassionate to yourself.

The compliments you give to other people? Give them to yourself.

Congratulating others on a meal well cooked, a canvas well painted, an essay well written. Congratulate yourself for doing it well too.

The understanding you give the people you know, when they can't complete something because they aren't feeling very well. Be understanding to yourself.

I have come to learn that being overwhelmed it ok. Its allowed. And when it happens, I now ground myself and go to my happy place. 

What is your happy place?