No Strings Attached

Chapter Nineteen

"I love him, Mya. Oh God, I can't believe I just said it but... I do, I really do!" Alex's eyes were red with unshed tears that threatened to come out and she trembled uncontrollably.

"Lex-."

"But Jonathan hurt me so bad. I only realise now that he friggin' ruined me! I know I'm over him but he's messed me up for the next man and Jason was- what am I talking about? He is the next man and I trust him with everything inside of me but then at the same time I don't trust him, as effed up as that sounds. I keep thinking he's gonna do the same thing that Jonathan done to me!" She sniffed and ran a frustrated hand through her hair, pulling on the ends. "I know he would never do something like that to me but... Dammit, do I? I mean you and I both know what he's like and-" she sighed, "what if in the end I'm not enough for him? Sure he says we're made for each other but that's now. I mean Jason can have any woman he wants, he's used to having any woman he wants so what about in 5 years time? Will he do what Jonathan did?"

"Lexi-."

"I got him so angry. I feel like the worst person in the world but, AH! Even his grandmother said she knows he loves me and that we belong together. Mya, I really don't want to get hurt again. I really don't! Cos something tells me that if Jason breaks my heart then-" she shut her eyes, her voice breaking and sounding raw with emotion. "I honestly don't think I could bounce back from that. I really don't think my heart could survive it."

"Alex-."

"... Did I also mention that the real reason why my dad left was because Jason's mom was his mistress and he left my mom for her?" Not able to control it anymore, the tears spilled out of her eyes, leaving a wet trail down her smooth cheeks. Her body shook, wave after wave of all the rejection in her life hitting her. "My mom never told me but she knew. She knew."

"Oh Alex I'm so sorry, your dad doesn't deserve your tears, baby. Look at you now! You've accomplished so much without him, don't let this revelation get you down." Alex heard shifting through the phone. "And about Jason..."

"I just don't know what to do." She whispered, deciding to lay on the huge bed and stare at the pictures placed on the shelves.

"Sounds to me like you do."

"What? Mya please, right now I just need your guidance, please just tell me what you think I should do."

"I'm serious Alex. The first words you said in this conversation were that you love him. You know what to do but you just don't want to put yourself out there like that again. You don't want to feel vulnerable and sweetie I get it. But I know Jason and as much of a jerk as he is, when he cares for someone, he's not joking around. Jonathan was a part of the past you. You're still holding on to what happened whether you care to admit it or not. Honey, you need to let that go." Alex didn't say anything as she nodded and listened to the advice of her best friend, quietly crying. "And if his grandma likes you then be happy cos that heiffer is a TRIP, I'm telling you now." They both chuckled before falling back into silence.

Alex spoke up a moment later. "It's crazy."

"What is?"

"How quickly I fell for him and how intense it is. I've never experienced this before, even with Jonathan." She was venturing deep into her feelings, revealing things that she hadn't dared to think. Things that she kept tucked away in the back of her heart and mind.

Back in Chicago, Mya smiled faintly. "That's exactly how it felt with Chris. Let me leave you so you can go tell Jason the truth. But I'm telling you now if you two come back and you aren't together... Let me stop that threat there."

She shook her head as she eyed some of Jason's certificates and medals. "I love you, Mya."

"I love you too, Alex. I'll see you on Sunday." They both hung up and she sighed.

It scared her. Her feelings for him scared her. He was the source of her pain more than 10 years ago and yet now he made her happier than she'd ever remembered being. She anticipated the next moment she'd see him everyday. At work, she'd be counting down the seconds until she could rush over to his house and be cocooned securely in those warm steel arms. She was herself around him. She didn't feel the need to be any different because he put her at such ease. She knew that he cared about her, it wasn't hard to miss but did he truly love her? Aunt Nessa said he did and he sure did act like it. Either way if he didn't love her, he still made it clear that he wanted a relationship with her. The more she thought, the more she realised that it was her own self stopping she and Jason from being together. Her own self and her insecurities but she had to stop denying it. She had to stop depriving herself of being with Jason fully.

Take the risk.

She decided that she'd tell him the truth later. She could feel her eyes dropping and decided to succumb to sleep, sinking into the comfortable duvet.