If I stay

Month

One month pregnant:

I've tried to call Ryan nearly a hundred times a day or at least as many times as possible until Alex takes the phone from me. It stresses me out, I completely understand but I've been this way since I was taken. I can't stand still.

I like calling his number even if he never answers the phone. Listening to the voicemail is enough to make me feel a little better. I like hearing the sound of his voice; even if it's just a recorded message. It's still him.

"Can I have my phone back?" Alex asks, climbing into the bed beside me. I shake my head against it and pout my bottom lip out.

"Let me try just one last time." I say. He sighs but allows me to do what I want. The phone rings, over and over again. I sort of expected it to go to voicemail like it did. I already had my words planned out if he did answer though.

I haven't seen him or North in nearly four months. It's been so long that North's features could have changed so much.

"Why do you still believe in going home?" Alex wonders, watching me as I hang up the phone. "Do you really think he'll want you back; after something like this?" Alex asks aloud. Why he would ask such a question? I do not know.

"I believe that he's still looking for me, and he has the right to know if I'm okay or not." I frown. I miss Ryan, and what Alex had said makes me second guess everything that I've told myself. "He deserves to know what's happened to me. Having a baby shouldn't change his opinion of me; especially when it's not my decision to make. Regardless of if he wants me back after all of this, I'll always want him." I say. Alex looks at me and furrows his eyebrows.

"You really do love him." He mumbles under his breath. Of course I do. I married Ryan for that reason exactly. Not because I wanted a fancy house or anything. But because I truly loved him no matter what happens.

"The thing about loving someone is, that you'll stand by them no matter what." I say softly, resting my head against the pillow and looking into Alex's eyes.

Alex takes his phone and rests it on the nightstand. He watches me for a moment before letting out a tired breath. It's nearly eleven at night. "You, little miss, need to go to sleep." His voice is a little lower than a whisper. He kisses my forehead. I think it's a sign of affection - possibly because I'm carrying his child. He dips his head down to my stomach and kisses it. "you, what ever you are, need to let your mum sleep." I roll my eyes at the way he called me it's mum. Of course I'm it's mother, but only the maternal mother. Chelsea would be it's mother to nurture it and watch it grow.

There's a warmth that spreads through me when he does the sweet little act. I let out a breath and push him away with a quiet giggle, it tickles.

My stomach is starting to get a swell. it's not dramatic but it's there. I've already gained some weight, and I know that this baby is going to be much bigger than North ever was.  I feel his thumb rub soothing circles into my stomach. My eyes close and my lips part.

Alex takes me off guard kisses me. I let out a breath and tiredly kiss him back. I feel like I'm in prison, only I'm pregnant and they give me good food.

Alex begins to pull away and I kiss him one last time. My hormones are acting up. I'm determined to keep those cravings to myself up until the point I'm about to kill someone.

"Go to sleep." He chuckles, curling into the bed next to me. I nod my head and pull the blankets up to my chin. It's not long before I'm falling asleep with Alex his holding me close to his chest.

One of his large hands rests on my stomach, holding the baby close. If I didn't hate Alex as much as I do, I would think that the act was a sweet gesture. The man is a monster, but yet he somehow still has a sweet spot. I let out a breath and try my best to fall asleep. Ryan and North weigh heavy on my mind, and it's weighing even heavier on my heart.

They're the reason that I continue to fight, and find some hope for the next day. Every day that I spend here with the baby growing in my tummy, is a day closer to going back to my own family. The ones who love me, and that I love more than anything in this entire world. Months will be wasted here, but once I'm home I don't think that I'll ever be able to leave ever again. I've been taken three times, and to hell with being taken a fourth time. Being nice has gotten me no where but pregnant, and this time, is the last time. Once I'm home, I vow to be the biggest bitch there is. No doubt about it.

  My heart sinks into the pit of my stomach as I think about North running around with Ryan chasing at her heels. She has probably gotten so big, and I'm sure by now she's beginning to talk more. I know that I've missed out on so many of her firsts, but I'm determined to not miss all of them. I will be home before she's grown, and I'll be home to see get find her mate, and grow into a beautiful young woman.

I won't be held here forever. There are eight more months then I can go home. Until I get to see them. Until I can be happy again.