If I stay

Bad dreams

I wake up to the sounds of voices coming down the hall. I furrow my eyebrows, and rub my eyes free of anything that reminded me of sleep. The voices are jumbled together, yet oddly familiar.

My head is spinning when I stand to my feet. I grip the side table beside me, and struggle to stay in balance. It felt like I hadn't walked in years.

I can feel my heart beat grow heavier as I stumble into the living room. "Ryan." I breath out his name. He looks in my direction, with an expression that doesn't seem too happy.

"Why are you awake, babygirl?" He asks, lifting me into his arms. A look of sleeplessness crosses his face. I look over and see Lucas standing there.

"You look so much like your mum." Ryan utters, pushing the hair from my face. I'm confused. I reach out and place a hand on his face. It's a baby's hand. North's hand. "And I can't take it anymore." He whispers, dropping me.

I fall. It doesn't seem to end as the dark abyss swallows me whole. The world seems to stop around me, and eventually I hit the hard ground.

There's blood everywhere. Two figures are coming towards me. When they're close enough, I realize that it's Ryan and Alex. Fear takes over my body.

I blink. A coolness wraps itself around my hands. I'm holding a pistol now. It's chamber is loaded. I'm at a loss of breath.

"Choose." A raspy voice says behind me. I cannot see him; but I remember that voice from anywhere. It's lucifer. "You can only save one, which one will it be?" I hear the mockery in his voice.

My hands shake as I look between the two of them. How can I choose? It's undeniable that I would let Ryan live. Could I even bring myself to kill Alex, though? I hate to admit it, but I like the man. They both look so scared as they stare me in the eyes.

I load the bullet into the chamber and let out a breath. I pull the gun to my own head and pull the trigger without a second thought. Saving both their lives.

I jolt awake. My eyes shoot around the room, terrified that I've been sucked into yet another crazy dream. I cannot calm down, tears are pouring from my eyes and I'm frantic.

"Shh, it's okay, mama." Alex whispers, pulling me against his chest. I shake my head. It's not okay. My mind only seems to keep dreaming up worse things as time goes by.

I shake violently as he holds me close against his chest. I hate it. I hate this. I keep trying to pretend that everything is okay here with Alex. But it's not. It never will be, either.

He knows that the feelings between us have grown over the past year. He also knows, as much as I hate to admit it, that I have caught feelings for him. It's killing me to know that when the day comes that I get to go home, I'll have to leave this behind me. I'll have to leave Alexi.

"Please stop crying, baby." Alex utters, pulling away from me and rubbing the tears from my face. My lip quivers uncontrollably. I cannot contain the emotions my dream had put me through. It seems as though my mind believes the only way out of this mess is taking the easy way out. I cannot do that.

How could I even think that? I cover my face with my hands. I don't want him to watch me cry like he has several times before. I'm tired of being so weak.

"I-I can't." I sob. I cannot stop crying. I have to let this out. He wraps his arms around me and I bury my head into his neck. He sighs, and rubs my back.

"Just let it out, baby. I promise things will get better." Maybe so, just not soon enough, but I believe his words. Things will get better. One day. Today just isn't that day.

I cannot get the image of Ryan and Alex out of my mind. They both had shared the same look, begging me to help them. It's like they didn't even realize who they were right next to. It was like all they could see was me, and how vulnerable they were to my next move.

It's terrifing. Having so many people look up to you for help. I realized that this is what alphas do everyday. Some even go out of their way to save other packs. I couldn't even go out of the way to figure out which man to save.

It should have been an easy decision. I thought I learned my lesson of being too nice to people. I guessed that I hadn't. A leader shouldn't have to take that long. I did what a real leader should have done. I sacrificed myself to save the both of them.

I take in a deep breath. I wipe my eyes against Alex's shirt. I never imagined myself being buried in such a deep hole. I have to do something about it.

"It's okay, baby. It's okay. I'm here." He says, he presses a kiss to my forehead and squeezes me tighter, "I'll protect you." He assures me. I shake my head.

No one can protect me from myself. That's the problem here. It's me. If I wasn't the way that I was I wouldn't be here right now.

He continues to feather light kisses over my face. I let out a shaky breath, and when his lips get close to mine I cannot help but take him off guard and connect ours together.

He uses his free hand and presses it against my stomach. "Bad dreams are the worst." He mumbles. His thumb is gentle as it runs over my belly button.

My eyes close. I didn't want that to happen. I want to stay awake. I don't want to get trapped in my dreams any more. I'm not even safe there.

"You still get them?" I wonder out loud. I thought it was only me. I have post traumatic stress disorders (PTSD) from my last abduction. I thought that's the only reason I still get nightmares.

"All the time. And you're the bad dream I never want to wake up from." His voice is like silk when it reaches my ears. He's making it harder and harder to even think about leaving this baby behind. Truth is, I think I don't want to leave him behind either.