If I stay

Phone calls

    
    "Taylor you need to take your pill." Alex says from in the kitchen. I simply blink and continue to lay on the couch with my attention focused on the television. It's a infomercial but it's more interesting that the pill Alex needs me to take.

Dr. Minenhall proclaimed that I am in fact, depressed. I already knew that I was and I didn't need anyone else's conformation on something like that. He prescribed me these happy pills. They're suppose to make me perky and cheerful. They're supposed to relieve my mind of all the darkness.

They don't work. They don't do their job, and they're completely useless to me. What's the point in taking them? So I can start to rely on pills? I feel like it's only a chunk of sugar molded to look like a pill. I'm positive it's not, but part of me still believes that it is what I think. I don't know, though. I don't know anything anymore at this point.

I don't want to take it. It's like they're trying to take away the final part of me that they haven't broken into yet. My mind. I refuse to let them take control of me like that. Like this. It's hard enough as it is.

"Taylor." Alex says. He's frustrated with me now. I glance from the tv to him then back to the television. He let's out a sigh and squats in front of me.

"Just take the pill. It will not hurt you." He demands. I blink and stare at him distantly. My mind is wandering. The only thing that will help me is myself. I'll choose to get better when I want to. Some bloody pill will not change me. It might for a few hours, but it will not be a permanent change.

I huff out a breath. "Why should I? Just because there's a pill that's supposed to help me? The pill itself does not work, Alex. I have my mind set on people that I don't think I'll ever be able to see again. A daughter that doesn't know her mom's face or voice, and a husband who has probably stopped even letting me cross his mind! What is there to be happy about? You getting me pregnant to take the baby from me? How in the hell do you expect me to not be this way? I can't. I just can't do this!" I shout. Tears well up in my eyes but I refuse to let then fall. I refuse to let him see me weak again. I refuse to let them drag me back down to my lowest point. Even though  I'm already there.

Alex looks at me and falls silent. He has no idea the pain he has put me through. He let's out a breath and sits the pill and the glass of water on the coffee table in front of me. He doesn't say anything, but stands to his feet and walks away. He just walked away. I couldn't believe it. He finally realized that it's what I've wanted. To be left alone and to sulk in my own sadness.

I roll over and stare at the back of the couch. I can hear him talking to someone over in the other room. It could be Jewel, but I'm not exactly sure. I don't care. I don't regret telling Alex what I did. Not a single bit. He can't expect me to be happy here with him. He can't expect to strip something like that away and try to put it back together with different things. Life doesn't work that way.

You can't combine two puzzles into one and have it the same. The pieces will not fit. It'll all look wrong, and broken. I don't think Alex has been in a life changing situation as an alpha yet. He hasn't risked his own life for others, nor do I think he would. Why be an alpha if you can't protect your pack?

I think deeper about my question. I never thought I'd have it in me to be a leader of such a strong pack. What kind of leader gets defeated? Me. My pack may be disappointed in me, and maybe Ryan is too. I've gotten into this situation before, and it might not be my last. The only problem with this time, Ryan can't save me. He has no idea where I'm at. Hell, he might even believe that I'm dead.

  "Taylor?" Jewel says softly, she takes a seat at the end of the couch and places a hand on my arm. I let out a breath and look up at her. She looks distressed. Worried even. I don't know.

"Do you want to try and call him?" She asks. "You can use my phone. You don't have to block the caller ID or anything. You can tell him anything that you want. Alex said that you can. He won't listen in on the conversation." She gives me a soft smile and rubs my arm. I smile weakly. She rests her phone in my hand and sits there for a moment before leaving the room.

I stare at the phone. Suddenly I feel strange. Am I afraid to call him? I know I want to. I know that for a fact. It's just reality hits me that I finally get to talk to him. What if he says he doesn't want me anymore?

I tap the numbers to his cell phone. I hesitate to push the call button. I don't know what I'm this scared. I'm ashamed of myself, that's why. I have this feeling that he won't anwser, and it'll go straight to voicemail.

I look towards the window. It's warm outside, but it doesn't mean I want to go out. There's woods. Lots of woods. Sometimes I like looking at it. Especially when Ryan comes to mind. He used to take me there all the time. Like our first date to the dock. That was a beautiful night. I was already so comfortable with him. I inhale.

The phone stops ringing, and someone picks up.