My Freak Show Life (BWWM)

Chapter 3: To live or To die

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I walk into the kitchen taking my seat at the table while speaking to my family. "How are you feeling today sweetie?" my mother asks sweetly while eyeing me, causing the rest of them to eye me waiting for the answer.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes, every other day it's the same thing with these people. As if one day I'll finally snap and they'll have to put me in the loony bin for good or something. Little do they know they're the ones driving me crazy not this gift. "Fine" I say simply with a small smile.

"Are you sure? Do you want your meds today?"

Those dumb pills, one lovely doctor thought it'd be good to give me pills for anxiety and mood stabilizers. All they do is make me feel like the dead people I speak to. It's like living in a body that you don't control, you just watch everything happen. It's the absolute worse and I avoid them at all cost.

"No mother I promise I'm fine." Before she can say anything there's a loud horn. Thank the Lord for Issy. "Gotta go love you guys." I get up and walk out the house. "Thank you, thank you, thank you" I say getting in the car.

She giggles, "welcome doll, what happened?"

I roll my eyes, "pills."

"Yikes."

"Exactly."

Issy has seen me on the pills and even she hates them. Honestly I think my family truly does care about me but I know they'd do anything to not have the town talk about me or me not to have 'issues'. Sometimes I just feel like such a burden to them, like everything would be better if I wasn't around. I can't change who I am or this gift or should I say curse that I have but I can control my lifespan. I'm snapped out of my morbid thought by the car stopping. We get out walking to our lockers not bothering to pay attention to the whispers and stares. Once we get to the locker I make quick work of getting my books and putting away the ones I don't need.

"Hey sexy loco" I hear him say behind me making all the hair on my body stand. "What you're a mute now too?"

I grit my teeth turning to face my living nightmare. Grant Hollins is the captain of the football team and all around loved by all jock. Sad to say at one point I was one of those people. "Yes Grant?"

He smirks pearly white teeth shinning, running a tanned hand through his perfectly styled golden mane. "So it speaks, how are you baby? Still thinking about me?"

"Get the fuck away from her!" Issy shouts coming down the hall in all her angry glory.

He chuckles before leaning close to me. "Call me if you need a repeat." He kisses my ear making a shiver run down my spine. He slaps my ass before walking away.

I close my eyes breathing deeply willing myself not to cry. "Are you okay?" Issy asks softly.

I shake my head before sprinting down the hall to the only individual bathroom locking myself in. I slide to the floor crying my eyes out. Why must he torment me everyday? The golden boy in every sense of the word, golden tan, golden hair, hazel eyes, would be believable over the crazy girl. He never lets me forget because he got away with it. I wipe my eyes angrily before digging into my bag pulling out my escape as Issy continues to bang on the door. I unwrap my heaven before pulling my hoodie sleeve up.

"Don't!" Rose yells.

I take the blade to my skin, the sharp edge cutting open my flesh letting the feeling of calm surround me. Another line is pure bliss, tears drying down my face. Another line indescribable enjoyment. I clean my escape before wrapping it again putting it in it's home. I can't help but watch as the blood trickles down.

"I hate when you do this shit!" Rose yells angrily.

I look up at her, "nobody told you to watch."

"Jay I get it but he's an ass and you're giving him too much power."

"No!" I yell. "you don't get it because it didn't happen to you."

She scoffs, "right I only died."

"I'd rather be you."

"Stop saying that!" she yells angrily. "Jordan you're there alive but pining to die. Do you know what I'd give to see my parents? Go to the mall with you guys?" she sniffles. "Live JJ if only for me, please stop doing this."

She vanishes and I exhale deeply before getting off the floor to clean the blood off my arm. I pull the sleeve down before walking out the bathroom. Issy scrambles up looking at me causing me to fake a smile. She grips my arm pulling the sleeve up looking at the fresh cuts. I pull my sleeve down not meeting her eyes. She shakes her head before walking away wordlessly. Great, I managed to piss off and disappoint my only friends. I make my way to class knowing my teacher won't say anything about my tardiness because I'm crazy. I know Issy and Rose hate it but it helps me deal with my fucked up life, it's better than taking the pills. It's a controlled escape that I can feel. They don't have to deal with this town the way I do. They just don't get it.

** ** **

The bell over the door dings announcing the arrival of a customer. I look up seeing tattoo guy along with two other males. One is tanned to perfection slightly taller than tattoo guy, very muscular but not in an obnoxious way with long chestnut hair pulled into a ponytail. The other guy is shorter by inches, slightly paler than the other two, lean with raven colored hair and matching clean cut beard. They look absolutely beautiful as if they walked off a modeling shoot. This town is small, how have I never seen them before?

"Welcome to Sue's, what can I get you?" I ask politely.

Tattoo guy smiles, "hello again beautiful."

"Aren't you missing someone?"

He smirks just as there's a growl from behind him. "If you're trying to make me jealous it's working."

I giggle, "are you getting the same as last time?"

"I didn't get anything last time."

I grin, "exactly."

He chuckles, "how about your number?"

"I don't even know your name."

"That's not an answer beautiful but it's Benjamin and behind me is Chauncey and Liam" he points to pony and beard.

"Well Benjamin I have to decline."

He pouts, "are you really going to turn me down beautiful?"

I giggle, "yes it's inappropriate."

"Order or move!" someone states loudly.

Chauncey turns around and the man stops his whining. "So out of work?" Benjamin asks with a grin.

"I have to work."

"I'll see you later beautiful" he smiles and winks before turning around and walking out. I can't help but to smile watching them leave the store. If only.

I shut the door and Sue locks it up. We say goodnight before parting ways. Soon as I turn the corner Benjamin is on the wall waiting. "Hello" he smirks leaning off the wall letting me take note of Chauncey and Liam with him.

I eye them, "should I be flattered or afraid?"

He chuckles, "flattered, what do you say about us going out for coffee or something sometime?"

I can't help my smile, he's adorable. "Benny you seem like a nice man but I can assure you I'm not worth it. Sorry." I catch a glimpse of his frown as I walk away. Thankfully he doesn't follow me.

"He was cute, hell they all were" Rose says.

"I'm damaged, he's better off" I say somberly. She huffs but says nothing the rest of the walk. I don't need to bring anymore people down with me.