The Holt Conundrum

first june

It's June and when I get home from the gym my sister is sitting in my kitchen with Holt.

Fuck.

"Well, well, well , look who's just decided to show," Eloise tells me with a wicked grin. "Don't you think it's funny Holt, that you two have been living together for the last oh, ten months and I've been here many times during all those months, and yet we've never even had the pleasure to meet?"

"I don't see what's the big deal. If you meet one of us, you've met the both of us," I say and go pour myself a glass of water because I need to do something otherwise I think I might scream.

"Oh, but I beg to differ. I'm the more pleasant one. Eliah's the picky queen," she adds for Holt's benefit.

He's laughing at what she's saying. I'm pretty sure there's a little sparkle in his eyes. I love my sister but I hate my sister.

"You know what guys, I'm fabulous, blow me."

"See, that's the thing, absolutely no one here wants to do that," Eloise says, laughing with Holt.

"Well, enjoy each other's company, I gotta go take a shower," I tell them and leave them alone.

Normally I would take the quickest shower in the history of human hygiene, but the damage is done. They've met each other. I don't know how long my sister's been here, but I'm guessing it was long enough for him to get a crush and for her to decide he was worthy of entering her dark cave.

So I take a long shower. And at one point, I sort of bend my head and I can help the sob that's been building up in my chest to roll out of my mouth. I press my hand against my lips to muffle it and I guess I'm crying a little, because I know what will happen. It's happened so many times before. I would bring a boy home to work on something or to play and the next day he would be dating my sister. I always knew I never had any chances with those boys, but it would have been nice at least that my sister didn't start making out with them in front of me.

I don't want my sister to date Holt. I know he'll never be mine, but I always sort of keep this tiny infinitesimal speck of hope, that dating my sister would completely shatter.

When I step out of the bathroom, I've bottled up all those emotions. It's useless to whine and cry now. I'll be alright. If he dates my sister it means that in some way he probably likes me a little too since we're so similar. I try to find comfort in that.

"So, did you guys eat?" I ask when I join them in the kitchen again, "I'm starving."

We order pizza and Holt and Eloise have way too much fun listing all the strange things I do or say.

"You know you can't exactly judge me Lolo, you used to eat butter, just butter. And Smooches, the other day you tied your shoes together and face planted in the front door. You guys are just as weird and strange as me," I say, arms crossed over my chest.

My sister is looking at me a little weirdly. She's been doing it all night long. I mean, it's nothing too noticeable and I probably only know it because twinsies connections, but yeah. Something's wrong.

Around nine o'clock, Holt leaves us to go to the gym.

When he's gone and it's just me and my sister sitting in the living room I tell her, "could you maybe, like not break his heart when you get tired of him?"

"I'm not going to date him Eliah," she says with a laugh.

"So what? You think you can't break his heart by just fucking him? He's the sweetest person I know, he's sensitive, don't play with him."

She laughs again. "Wow. You really got it bad this time."

I frown. "What?"

"Why do you always love the unattainable ones?"

"I don't love him."

"You call him Smooches."

"He calls me Boo, doesn't mean anything."

"Oh sweetheart."

"He's not gay okay. I know this."

"But you wish he was."

I sigh heavily, staring at the ceiling. "Wishing has never helped me before, so I don't see how it's going to change now."

"But you don't normally like them this much. I've never seen you like this before."

"Can we please just drop this?"

"Sure, but if it can ease your mind, I won't try anything with him. I don't think he's interested anyway."

I want to tell her that it doesn't matter, that she can do whatever she wants with him, that even if she doesn't want to tear his clothes off, Holt totally could and that I have no control over that, so who am I to stop a love story in the making but instead I say very quietly, "thank you."