The Holt Conundrum

fourth july

It's July and instead of making the most out of his summer, Holt has been hiding in his room.

I called some of the people he works with and apparently he's turned down photography contracts. I understand that he's sad and in pain and that he needs time to process it, but staying cooped up in his room all the time isn't going to help.

So one morning, I barge into his room and say, "Come on Holt, let's go out, let's go somewhere you can take pictures."

It takes a lot of annoying him for him to finally cave in and come with me.

I drive us to the closest botanical garden, which is like a one hour drive away from home.

Holt is quiet during the whole car ride. It's so strange, it feels like I'm back with First-September-Holt, the one that was scared of making a sound. I miss my bestfriend.

When we get there, it takes a while for Holt to finally use his camera. I try teasing him and joking with him.

I hate not knowing what to do to make things better for him.

I point to absolutely every single thing I think I can make a joke about and tell him to take pictures of them. He does, but almost reluctantly.

I think he'll stay sombre and sad all day long until at one point I'm sort of skipping around him to make him laugh and it's not working but then I step on a dead branch and lose my footing and stumble in a puddle of mud and I start saying "Oh no, my shoes, my shoes," because well, dammit, mud on my shoes and suddenly Holt burst into laughter. It's small in the beginning, but then it builds up and he's laughing and leaning against his legs for support because clearly I'm that amusing.

There he is, there's my Holt.

After that, he loosens up and bit, and he starts taking more pictures and joking with me.

A couple of hours later, we're sitting on a bench and Holt is looking at the pictures he took on his camera.

Out of the blue, without looking in my eyes, he tells me, "I'm sorry that I haven't been the best of friends lately."

"Holt, it's been a rough couple of months for you, it's okay."

"Not just since mom... before that too." He sighs. "I'm sorry."

I slightly shove his shoulder with my own. "You really don't need to apologize."

"No, I think I do," he stares right at me, "I'm sorry I wasn't that supportive before."

I frown a little. "About what?"

"About you and Ben. If he makes you happy, I should be happy for you. I should be supportive. You've always been supportive with everything I've done. I haven't been a good friend."

I feel a little self conscious talking about Ben with Holt. I actually feel more comfortable with having Holt not liking Ben and arguing about him with me. This feels strange. "It's okay, I get it. I have kind of been hanging out with him a lot more."
"And that's normal. If you love someone you should see them often."

I don't want to admit that I don't think I love Ben just yet. I like him a lot. A lot. But I'm not there yet. If I'm a hundred percent honest it's that my relationship with Ben is mostly physical. Everything I'm not getting from Holt, I get from Ben. But I wasn't friends with Ben first. We were never friends, and I don't think we could say that we are even right now. My relationship with Ben can never be like the one I have with Holt. And I should be okay with that.

"I just need you to know that I don't take you for granted. I don't know what I would do if I lost you," he admits.

Break my heart into tiny little pieces , why don't ya? "Don't worry, you're not losing me." He nods a little at those words, staring at the ground, like it was difficult to admit what he just did. So I change the subject, because I want him happy. "Did you get any good pictures?"

He smiles softly at me. "I did."

I would love to see them, but I don't push him. If he wants to show them to me, he will.

It's getting late now, so I ask, "Did you want to go?"

Holt keeps smiling at me. "Let's stay a little while longer."