Braver Than I Used to Be

Chapter Sixteen

In the morning we went down to the kitchen before we left like we usually did and Aunt Jackie was in the kitchen making breakfast.

"Good morning, are you guys ready to eat?" She said.

"We have to pick up our friend and we usually eat with him." I said.

"Oh, okay. No problem." She smiled, "Plenty of people to feed."

"Thank you though." I said.

"Sorry about your grandmother. It's just hard for her to understand that people are raised different then she raised us. She will come to understand. I don't think your dad told her all the real details of how you guys grew up and the things with your mom, so she doesn't get it."

"It's okay, " I smiled, "I understand many people won't get it. But my dad does, that's all that matters."

Aunt Jackie nodded in agreement and we all left to get Victor. We had told him about our visitors and he said if we wanted we could hang out at his house after school.

We went there after school and his mom made us all dinner. The more I spoke to her, the more I liked her. She was very easy to talk to and gave good advice. We had spoken to her about my grandmother and she understood but told us we should really spend the time with them because they were family and we never know when we will see them again.

Made me think of my mom and I wondered if she would ever change or want to see us again. When she was asked to leave it didn't seem to bother her. I pushed that thought away because that hurt too. She didn't seem to care about leaving either of us.

When Matthew and I went to bed that night, I cried myself to sleep while he held me. I couldn't get my mother out of my head. I wished she would come back and tell us she was wrong and made a mistake. But I knew she wouldn't, when my dad told her to leave, it was like a weight was lifted off her shoulders that she finally got to leave us.

On the following day Matthew had to practice for his super-secret talent show routine. He only had three weeks left until the talent show, so he said they would be practicing every other day after school. On those days he drove himself to school so he could head straight to practice. It felt weird with him not being there, even if it was just a couple of hours.

On Matthew's second day of practices in the week, I kind of felt like I was losing it. Not because I didn't have Matthew there, but because I couldn't get my mom out of my head. I usually try to tell Matthew, because I worry about it upsetting Ray talking about her, but for the last three days I have kept it to myself.

"Ray?" I said before he opened his door to get out when we got home from dropping Victor off.

"What's wrong?" I could tell my tone wasn't as conversational as I intended it to be.

"I can't stop thinking about her."

Ray reached over and grabbed my hand and I broke down. I couldn't stop myself from crying and sobbing uncontrollably. He got out and came over to my side of the car and held me tight against him.

"I know baby, I know. I know it hurts." He stroked my hair.

"I want to stop thinking about her so bad." I sobbed.

"I know, and I hope one day you do. I don't know what to say to fix this Rita, but I know we don't need her. What she said was unforgiveable."

I rocked myself back and forth in his arms and fought to control myself. "I just want to understand why." I pushed out.

He sighed and I could tell he was trying his hardest not break down himself. "I don't know. I wish could give you an answer."

After I managed to calm down, we went inside and everyone happened to be in the kitchen. It seemed everyone was having a good time, but I guess our faces let them know we weren't doing so well. Ray told them all hello and followed me upstairs.

Ray laid down next to me until Matthew came home. I assumed Ray messaged him because Matthew didn't ask me what was wrong, he just laid down next to me and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep until the next day.

When I woke up, I had truly lost all will to move and before I let my mind take me back, I let myself fall back asleep.

Ray came in to wake us up but I looked at him and turned around and went back to sleep before my brain could start working again. After it became obvious that I was not going to get up and go to school Ray let me sleep another hour or two before waking me up to talk.

"What's going on?" Both him and Matthew looked at me concerned.

"Nothing." I said not wanting to tell the truth. It was too late though; my mind had flooded open again and I was thinking of her and not even two seconds later I had started to cry again. I wrapped myself up in my blanket and cried myself back to sleep.

When I woke up again Matthew was lying next to me watching TV. He looked over at me and pulled me closer to kiss my forehead.

"Ray went to drop Victor off at home." he said when I looked around my room for him.

"Oh, okay." I rested my head back on him.

"Do you want to eat? I think someone made soup."

"Not really, my stomach is in knots." I said, this earned me a look.

"Is this about your mom? You got to talk to me, love. I hate seeing you like this." He brought his lips down and kissed my forehead.

"It is, I just hate talking about it and thinking about it. I hate that I want to know why she feels that way so bad. When I think about it, like I try to think she couldn't have meant that? But I know she did. So, I just think back on the last eleven years and wonder if there were days when she changed her mind? I know there were days she loved me, I know the love was there, I have seen it Matthew."

"What do you think it could be?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Like I try to think of it in the aspect of if it were Ray and I, and Ray did something like that. As much as I would never wish death upon Ray, no matter what he did, I don't think I could forgive him or choose him over my child. I try so hard to be understanding, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe it was the day, or the breakdown or the sympathy I was getting over what happened that day. No matter how hard I try, I can't understand why she would feel that way. And I just want to know why, like what was it that I did?"

"Have you considered trying to call her? I mean I know she may not answer, but you never know."

"Of course, I have considered it, but at the same time I don't know if I can. As badly as I want to know and as badly as I want to ask, I don't think I am really ready for the answer that she will give without it completely destroying me."