Braver Than I Used to Be

Epilogue

It had been seven years since I had seen my father. I thought about him a lot over the last year. Well I thought about him all the time, but I noticed he popped into my head a lot more recently. I wondered where he was and if he was okay. I got letters here and there from him, but it has been over a year since his last letter.

I stared out the window of our same house where I swear, I saw him a few years back. I look for him every once in a while, but nothing since that one day.

Matthew put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently, "Little Raymond is demanding Mommy tucks him in tonight."

I caught myself back up in the real world and looked at Matthew and nodded, "Of course he is." I smiled.

"I'm sure he is out there, my love."

Matthew knew I looked for him sometimes. I never told him about what my father had done, I haven't told another soul.

Since we got married seven years ago, we had one son, and as promised we named him Raymond. He was two now and Ray absolutely adored him. He bought them matching shirts, Ray's shirt said Big Ray and my son's shirt said Little Ray. Anywhere Ray went, he tried to take Little Raymond with him, even going as far as trying to sneak him out of the house when I said no. Little Raymond was the spinning image of Matthew, but he had Ray's personality.

For a two-year-old he sure knew who he was. He didn't like to be called Ray or Raymond, it had to be Little Raymond because that is what Uncle Ray called him. If you called him the wrong name, he corrected you. His hair was smooth and silky like Matthew's used to be before he cut it off shortly after he turned nineteen. Little Raymond liked to walk tossing his head from side to side because he liked the way his hair tilted back and forth when he did it. Matthew's mother said Matthew used to do the same thing when he was a child.

It took about a year after we graduated, but Victor moved in with us, completing our family at the time. Since then Ray and Victor have gotten married and recently started looking into adoption. Matthew and I moved into my parents' old room and Victor and Ray moved into my old room since it was a little bit bigger. My son got the old guest room and we are leaving Ray's old room for when their adoption went through.

We repainted and redecorated the whole house. After Victor moved in, I decided it was time for a fresh start for all of our lives. I didn't change the furniture, but every room got a new color, new linens for all the beds, new curtains and whatever else I could change that wasn't an expensive item. I think my main goal was to try and remove my parent's presence from the house.

I went to lay on Little Raymond's bed since tonight I had to tuck him in. I walked in to him tossing his hair so he could feel it moving back and forth while he waited for me.

"What story do you want to hear tonight?"

I had named my stories easy names so he can pick out which one he wanted to hear.

"Daddy!" he yelled excitedly throwing his hands up in the air.

That was the story of how Matthew and I met, well the children's version of it, which was about a five-minute story. Our other stories were Raymond, which is how Raymond and Victor met. Another was Grandpa, a story I made up about my Dad fighting a great battle to protect his family. There were stories for Matthew's parents as well. I did my best to make sure my son knew who everyone was, expect my Mom. We never spoke about her. When Lucille first came to visit me after Little Raymond was born, I asked her to never speak of my mother again and to not let her see any pictures of my son. She respected my wishes. Last year my mother tried to reach to me, but luckily Matthew intercepted her call and we promptly blocked her number.