anxious | jack avery

1.

[jack]
entry #23
hi journal. it's jack. i'm back writing in this. daniel says it helps so that's why he got it for me. it's supposed to "calm me down" as if that's ever going to happen. today was pretty stressful. we were dropping a new single and today was full of meetings. zach helped tho but not enough to calm me down. the thing is i've mentioned this a lot but hi i'm jack avery i have bad anxiety. like bad. to the point where i can end up being attached with an iv bag in the hospital. that bad. it wasn't always that bad. i remember when i was younger i had to rush to the hospital and syd was crying. that was the first time i had to be hospitalized because of my stupid anxiety. it ruins so many moments that could've been good. parties, vacations, family. everything. it's like a rush of pain and you just want it all to go away. it's gotten worse. worse to the point corbyn cries himself to sleep. yesterday i had an anxiety attack on stage. corbyn got really worried. thankfully it was the last song we were performing. i basically spent the moments after the show crying in zach's arms on the floor of the dressing room. zach's the only one out of the band that i can be around when sudden bursts happen. or else it makes me more uncomfortable raising my anxiety. corbyn cried leaning against the dressing room. i heard jonah trying to calm him down. but corbyn refused. i ruined everyone. zach cries with me every time because i've been hospitalized once when we were hanging out. it's traumatized him. he's always worried and scared that he personally carries an inhaler around. everywhere. just because of me. jonah always gives the best hugs before i go on stage or doing something nervous. corbyn and daniel always check in on me and sometimes daniel falls asleep with me just so i won't cry to sleep. corbyn is slowly losing his smile. and i've already lost mine. i feel like i ruin the band sometimes. every time i tell zach that he kisses my forehead reminding me how much i mean to him. but what if it's just a lie? zach gets so worried i've noticed him and corbyn keeping sharp blades away from me every now and then. but it's no use. i got my keys taken away from driving because jonah caught me hurting myself with the sharp point of the key. daniel can't handle it anymore. i know i shouldn't be the kid that is "depressed" "social anxiety" the kid that ruins the fun and smiles. i feel like i take away the happiness from the band. i don't mean to. it just happens. i don't know why no one understands that it isn't going to get better? dani says it will. he's been through it. but i've seen his scars. they don't look old. i'm worried for daniel. i'm worried for the band. i'm scared. really really scared.