anxious | jack avery

3.

[jack]
"corbyn are you ok?" I mumbled.
corbyn didn't answer me. I didn't expect an answer either. the thing about corbyn is he gets upset when one of us are upset. if we feel down he feels down. it's like the brotherly connection we all have. i just wish i didn't have to fuck everyone's mood all the time.
"jack?" zach said with a stuffy nose.
"y-yeah?" i stuttered. I didn't want to see him in sorrow.
his hand moved from his bracelet to my hand holding it. he squeezed it as one of my tears fell on his cheeks. he checked to see if no one was watching as he moved my sleeve a little upward. i flinched at the pain of the cuts being touched by zach's baby soft hands. he traced my cuts and kissed every one. my hand went into his hair as he dozed off to sleep. zach gets sick on car rides so he naps sometimes.
"when can i get my keys back?"
jonah's head looked up from staring at the floor to daniel in the rearview mirror. his facial expression softened as he reached to squeeze daniel's hand.
"i can't right now daniel" he sighed.
daniel nodded. i could see him getting upset.
"we're here"
corbyn unlocked the car door and opened daniel's interlocking his hand in his.
"zach baby wake up" i said shaking him.
he wasn't waking up. jonah let out a soft giggle as he carried zach outside of the car in his arms and i slide out as daniel let his free hand rub my shoulder.
"are you ok?" i said kissing his hand.
he looked quickly to corbyn and whispered to me.
"no"
i could feel my heart drop at the fact hearing that my best friend was unhappy. daniel is the type that always makes people smile and laugh. he's no longer happy anymore. he doesn't eat and he doesn't sleep. all i hear are his muffled cries for help during the night but zach sleeps next to me so i can never get up to help. corbyn and jonah usually are the ones calming both me and daniel the most. zach is a little squish that helps me sleep all the time. zach's like a baby. he sleeps cuddled into your chest and his head buried under the covers. i wish the night was longer so i could see him peacefully sleep instead of worry about me or daniel all the time. he's the youngest. he shouldn't be going through my shit all the time. i mean does it ever bother him?
"what's wrong?"
i snapped out of my thoughts as jonah walks closer to me. zach is still asleep and i stop to kiss his cheek.
"you know he has to wake up soon"
jonah let out a weak laugh. progress at least.
"yeah but he's our little baby" he said gushingly.
"over here?" corbyn pointed.
it was a bonfire place and i nodded. corbyn walked over to light the fire as jonah shook zach awake.
"jojo i'm tired" he whined.
"i know zach but please do this for me"
zach nodded as his yellow converse kicked at the sand. daniel sat next to him on the other side as jonah and corbyn sat in front.
"please talk to me" corbyn said quietly.
jonah and corbyn are the oldest and are usually the people making us smile. or at least trying their hardest to. it's just...do we ever try to make them smile? corbyn brushed his bed head hair out of his eyes as he gazed up at daniel. daniel's grey blue eyes walked over to the other side to hug corbyn. that's when we heard corbyn cry. loudly.
"shh corby shh it's ok it's ok"
nothing daniel said would calm his cries. zach kicked the sand more roughly trying to distract himself from corbyn's cries as much as possible. his head fell closely on my shoulder as he kissed my hand. i tangled my cold hands in zach's hair as he puffed warm air on my hands to keep them warm. zach's hands were baby soft and so delicate.
"i'm sorry i'm not good enough to keep you happy anymore. i'm sorry i never bother to even try to make you happy. please forgive me please" corbyn cried.
jonah let his head fall into his lap.
"you didn't do anything wrong corby. you never do anything wrong. you and jonah try your best to keep me happy. i'm the problem" daniel said closing his eyes and letting his head touch corbyn's.
"don't put this on you"
zach squeezed my hand as i tried my best not to cry through my words. jonah's head popped up to look at me as daniel sat on the bare sand next to corbyn's legs while holding his hand.
"i did this. i started it. if it wasn't for me for getting all fucked up about my anxiety we would all be happy" i said cracking my voice up.
"bubby this isn't your fault" zach said in a gentle tone.
"jacky...don't say that"
"i love you jacky"
corbyn and jonah always call me jacky.
"i'm sorry it's just everytime i try to be happy there's this part of me that wishes i was always happy and always bright. and randomly my anxiety hits or my thoughts put me in a terrible place and i'm just sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry" i said letting my tears fall out. zach quickly wiped my tears away as he hugged me and told me it was ok. i wasn't ok.
"it's going to be ok jacky" daniel mumbled.
corbyn and jonah both got up as we all stood up and hugged. it was the best connection between us i'd felt in a while. it was something that truly made me feel warm inside. felt cared for inside.
"i love you guys" i said as the sunset started.
"we love you too" jonah replied.